Who'll Come Out On Top?

In Masters Of Sex, Showtime has brought us a smart, thoughtful drama about the era in American history when sex was little understood; the female orgasm was thought to be a myth; and prostitutes, when they weren't on the clock, were gay: last week. (Just kidding, it's set in 1956.) The show revolves around challenging, delicate subject matter, which it handles with frankness and maturity, so naturally, I thought the best way to address the pilot would be to rank the episode's sex acts from worst to first, you're welcome. (I'm twelve.)

6. William and Libby

When William Masters (Michael Sheen) comes home from a long day of work and Libby (Caitlin FitzGerald) calls him "Daddy," I'm like, "Cool, he's a widower or something and this is his doting, unmarried daughter." Then they start talking about her having taken her temperature and how romantic the chocolate soufflé is going to be and I'm like, "Oh. Gross." "Daddy"? Well, she calls him that because she's dying to get pregnant, and he's grimly determined to get her pregnant, which is why a robust twenty or so seconds of face-to-face kissing is immediately followed by his turning her over, nailing her from behind, and telling her to hold her knees up to her chest to promote conception, because he's an obstetrician and not a Gangster Of Love. Did I mention that she doesn't take off her nightie and he doesn't unbutton his shirt? They don't. Brrrrr. (PS The reason Libby's not pregnant yet is that William has a super-low sperm count but he's letting her believe she's the problem, shhhh.)

5. Betty and Ernie

You'd think that having Dr. Masters watching in the closet with a flashlight and a stopwatch might make the experience of letting john Ernie (Steve Rosen) screw her a little bit exciting for Betty (Annaleigh Ashford), but though she deals with penises on a professional basis, recreationally she prefers women. However, she's seasoned enough in her work to have honed her fake orgasm so well that she even convinces Dr. Masters that it's real -- though that's not so hard, since it's apparently never occurred to him even one time that women might fake orgasms. Betty thinks Dr. Masters could use a lady assistant. GOOD THINKING, BETTY.

4. Jane

After joining Dr. Masters's staff, the first order of business for Virginia Johnson (Lizzy Caplan) is to start looking for volunteers to participate in the good (ish) doctor's non-sanctioned sex study who aren't prostitutes. Jane (Heléne York), Ginny's former colleague from the insurance processing office, is easily snookered into signing up when Ginny tells her that the study has a very long waiting list. Good eye, Ginny: Jane is the perfect subject, gamely doffing her gown before being asked and jumping up on the table to, as Pete Holmes puts it, take herself for dinner.

3. Jane and Austin

Jane is so good at self-love that eventually she's invited to partner up with Dr. Austin Langham (Teddy Sears), the study's first male volunteer (and recruited because he's known to cheat on his wife -- classy!). The two have a meet-cute with all their wires and conductors stuck to them, and are advised to go slow because they're all hooked up to machines, which is fine with Austin, since it's more fun that way. It's a weird situation, but Austin and Jane go at it with cheerful, almost wholesome enthusiasm. They're charming! He should ditch the wife he can't stop cheating on, marry Jane, and have satisfying marital sex with her instead, because she's into it!

2. Jane and the Provost

Speaking of weird situations, here's Jane going to town on herself while Barton Scully (Beau Bridges), the Provost of Washington University, looks up her cooch with a special dildo-equipped camera. It's perverse...and Jane is into it! Jane a freak.

1. Ginny and Ethan

Though Dr. Ethan Haas (Nicholas D'Agosto) is happy enough to receive a blowjob after his first encounter with Ginny, it never occurs to him that she might ask him to reciprocate, or even that reciprocation is possible. "You don't have a penis," says the confused OBSTETRICIAN, who evidently received a sub-par education at a Guadalajaran med school. Just kidding, no one knew about clitorises back then. It's actually possible that Virginia Johnson invented them! Anyway, with a little firm direction, Ethan dives on in and gets the job done, marvelling all the while at how amazing it is. And while he finally agrees, with a little reluctance, not to sleep over (at her request), it is clear even this early in their relationship that he is going to be more attached than she. And since he goes on to get jealous and possessive of her, despite her having told him all along that she doesn't want a relationship with him like that, and gives her a black eye, I hope he liked having sex with her in this episode because I have a feeling they're one (episode) and done -- and if they're not, we're all going to be pretty mad.