Narcos Faces Law & Order: SVU In The Battle Of The Crime-Fighting Crushes

Cop shows are a staple of television. And there's hardly any point even making a cop show if you're not going to put a sexy cop in it. But now that we've all had a chance to work our way through Season 2 of Narcos, surely we all agree that DEA agent Javi Peña is quite a bit sexier than the norm. But is he sexier than the longtime reigning sex cop champion known as Elliot Stabler of Law & Order: SVU? Let's examine the evidence.

Who's working on more important matters?

In concert with Colombia's national police, and...sometimes in conflict with the CIA, Agent Peña spends 23 hours a day in pursuit of drug lord Pablo Escobar, one of the most notorious and powerful criminals in the world. (The 24th hour is spent boning his favourite prostitute.) Escobar's influence stretches into every part of life for his cohorts and ordinary Colombians alike; his determination to protect his interests has led to the deaths of hundreds if not thousands of people. SVU may open by intoning that "sexually-based offenses are especially heinous," and they definitely are. But as a matter of scale, if Peña can successfully solve this case, millions of people's lives will improve.

Winner: Peña.

Who's less dirty?

To catch a snake, you need to get into some holes, and for Peña that means forming a secret alliance with one of Escobar's rivals in the drug trade, leading to unintended but not exactly surprising collateral damage. As a consequence, Peña gets pulled off the case just as it's about to close; his team takes down the quarry Peña's been chasing for the better part of a decade, but Peña loses out on the chance to be there when it happens. However, as the season closes, at least we get a sign that higher-ups in U.S. law enforcement understand that sometimes you have to do wrong things for the right reasons, promising a bigger role for Peña in the seasons yet to come. (That's partly conjecture, but if anyone at Netflix has any sense, I will turn out to be right about this.)

Stabler sometimes gets violent with perps in the process of meting out his own form of Vigilante Justice Lite, but he couldn't be a hero on that show and evince any real signs of disregarding the rule of law, so he's basically clean.

Winner: Stabler.

Who has more sexual tension with his partner?

Episodes during the Stabler years of SVU were forever teasing the possibility that Stabler -- particularly during the period when he and his wife Kathy were separated -- would actually hook something up with his partner Olivia Benson. So resolute! And with such a dark secret! Nothing ever came of it but some longing looks, but oh, the longing!

Peña is played by Pedro Pascal, and if you saw him in his earlier role as Oberyn Martell on Game Of Thrones, you know Pascal has sexual chemistry with everyone. Do I believe Boyd Holbrook's Steve would fuck Peña if he got the chance? Yes. But if he wanted to, Peña could also fuck Steve's wife, Steve's car, Steve's boss, all the cops, all the phones. Basically, if any entity or object has three dimensions and something approximating a hole, Peña could have sex with it. HE IS HOT.

Winner: Tie.

Which is played by a cooler person?

This would have been a closer call a few weeks ago; Chris Meloni's been the internet's boyfriend for a while, what with his support of marriage equality and his epic combat scene with Jon Hamm in Wet Hot American Summer: First Day Of Camp. But then he tweeted his disapproval of Colin Kaepernick's anti-racist protest and lost a lot of cred.

Pascal, on the other hand, was born to Chilean parents who engaged in political action during the dictatorship of Augusto Pinochet. I haven't found any record of Pascal going on the record with regard to Kaepernick either way, I feel it's likely that growing up in an environment of social justice would put him on the right side of this one.

Winner: Peña.

Which has a hotter ass?

I'm not going to try to act like Stabler doesn't have a nice, meaty seat.

If you don't want to take a bite out of that thing, you might just not like butts. However, Stabler's ass suffers from the restrictions of his dress code. You could have the hottest ass in the world -- and Stabler very well might -- but it's never going to look as good in dress pants as it might in a pair of tight jeans. Peña? Your reBUTTal.

Winner: Peña.

Verdict

There are lots of reasons to watch Narcos if you haven't already -- reasons that have nothing to do with objectifying an incredibly attractive physical specimen of man. But if you're in the market for a crime procedural that will load you up with imagery you can take with you back to your bunk, Narcos is it. Sorry, Elliot! You'll just have to cheer yourself up by beating a suspect most of the way to death. Again.

Winner: Peña.