The Bad Blind Date Openers Hall Of Fame

We all know Jess is lonely, because she can't shut up about it. But as this episode proves, the world of "mobile dating" may be a little bit too intense for the likes of her. But since Schmidt is a good roommate and a willing facilitator of no-strings-attached hookups, he reluctantly agrees to be her sensei on Dice, the show's Tinder knockoff. Oh, they also mention Tinder in the episode -- Schmidt knows all about that one too -- but given how badly things proceed for Jess, I'm not surprised the actual Tinder passed on this particular half-hour's worth of product placement.

Jess may not flick through her potential matches as quickly as Schmidt does -- for the love of God, I hope no one in real life does (can you tell how naïve and out of touch seventeen years of marriage have made me?) -- but he does, finally, impress upon her the importance of pulling the ripcord quickly and unapologetically when her dates' terrible opening salvos are actually very economically expressed warnings that she should run away in search of the "important document" that's "gone missing" or the "U.S. Senator" who's trying to contact her.

A guy who wants to date you is involved in the raisin trade? That's a dealbreaker, ladies.