Everyone Knows Zeek Isn't Actually Dying, Right?

Secret Secrets Hurt Someone

Situation: Sandy drops Ruby off at Hank's place a lot earlier than usual.

What makes it awkward? Sarah's there, and doesn't understand why he tries to get her to stay in the bedroom and away from "the cleaning lady," because he hasn't told her about Sandy's anti-Sarah edict. So when Sarah opens Hank's bedroom door and stands there in her nightshirt like it ain't no thing, Sandy is not happy, and Sarah is oblivious.

How is order restored? Sandy comes by the store to talk to Hank about the Sarah situation, repeating herself -- as nicely as possible, to be fair to Sandy -- about her wish that the troubled Ruby spend as much time with her dad as possible and without the encroachment of any of Hank's transient hookers (I'm paraphrasing). It's only at this point that Sarah surmises that Sandy's expressed to Hank her wish to keep Ruby and Sarah apart and that Hank didn't have the balls to tell Sarah about it, so she urges Hank to tell Sandy if he has a problem with this rule. Though Hank stammers to Sarah that it's hard for him to talk to Sandy because she's very forceful and he'd just rather let her have her way than confront her, he does meet with her one-on-one and explain that Sarah's not just some girl he's dating or sleeping with -- it's serious between them and he wants Sarah to be in Ruby's life. When Sandy understands that he and Sarah are pretty committed, she says she's fine with Ruby spending time with Sarah and Hank kind of doesn't know what to do with himself after winning one, for once. Though Sarah might come to question how much of a win it actually is for her.

Dylan Goes Erratic

Don't Get Into The Music Business If You Don't Know What The Fuck You're Doing

So as you may recall, Adam interrupted Crosby's vigil in the hospital waiting room in the last episode by trying to get him to defuse a situation where Oliver had ditched the Ashes Of Rome tour and possibly cost them a lot of money because they're signed to the Luncheonette's nascent "label"? Well, things aren't much better this week: Crosby's already read that another label, "Submodo" (WINK), has been sniffing around Oliver, and apparently it's such big news that even Adam has heard about it. (Crosby: "You read Pitchfork. I thought you got all your music news from Starbucks.") Adam is furious that Crosby hasn't been able to solve the problem already, and Crosby doesn't understand his urgency since they have Oliver under contract. Except...they don't? I mean, they have a contract with the band, but not with Oliver Rome as a solo artist. Crosby is stunned and horrified that Adam didn't think to stipulate Oliver's specific participation in their contract, since he's the core of the band, but in typical Adam style, Adam just puts damage control on Crosby and stomps out of the conversation. "I think the contract is the headline of this," Crosby calls after him. I HAVE TO SAY I AGREE, ADAM, YOU FUCKING DUMMY.

Grahams vs. Others

Even though their attempt at a discussion about it with Sydney went nowhere last week, Julia and Joel have decided that the way to deal with Sydney's burgeoning bully career is to drag her unwilling ass to her victim's house and make her apologize. Melody's parents bring her to the door and all three stand ready, so of course Sydney spits a completely insincere apology and stalks off, ignoring her parents' cries for her to come back. Julia, mortified, tells Melody's mother that they'll talk to Sydney, to which Mrs. Melody replies, "Great, you'll talk to her? So I can get another bogus apology for my daughter?" I mean, honestly. Mr. Melody sends Melody away and describes how upset they are. Joel gets more and more humiliated, and even though Erika Christensen's hard expression makes me think Julia's about to flip into defensive mode, she just chokes that she's going to go talk to Sydney right now. Joel: "Apologies again." You two are doing GREAT.

Winner: Melody's parents...I guess?

Schooled At The School

Alert Type: Non-Neurotypical Alert.

Issue: Max reports that Dylan addresses him as "Asperger's" (having correctly identified his mental orientation on sight) and has been bossily telling him to cut his hair and describing the school as "a potpourri of freaks" -- which, given what we see of Adam's bullshit cooking class this week, seems extremely accurate.

Complicating Factors: Kristina has a hard time separating her role as Snowflake Academy headmaster from that of Max's mom; until they got the particulars of what Max and Dylan have been talking about, Adam and Kristina thought Max might have made his very first friend at school (since Dylan is the only person they've ever seen him eat lunch with since the school opened); Adam and Kristina seem totally unable to recognize a playful sense of humour in a kid on the spectrum since Max has none.

Resolution: Kristina happens to be nearby to hear Dylan call Max "Asperger's" and calls her into her office to explain that everyone at Snowflake treats one another with kindness, respect, and dignity, and that there's no name-calling, etc. Dylan counters, "Your son has Asperger's, that's just a simple fact. I thought we were supposed to celebrate our difference here. Look, I think the real problem is attaching stigma to the word 'Asperger's' -- that's what makes it derogatory!" Hmmmmm.

Spoiler: Max's parents shouldn't get too worried about whether Max feels bullied by Dylan.

Split Or Get Off The Pot

Sometime long enough after the disastrous Melody summit that it's now dark out, Joel and Julia discuss the matter of their shitty kid. Julia's view is that Sydney is "out of control," as Mrs. Melody had accused, because Joel and Julia are out of control: while they had thought the worst moment for the kids would be when Joel moved out of the house, having the kids in limbo not knowing what's going on between their parents is actually worse. "We have to give them some clarity," Julia says firmly. Joel, the big dummy, doesn't know what that means, so Julia has to spell it out: "We need to tell them we're not getting back together."

"And you're ready-- You're ready to say that to them?" Joel falters. They both tear up. Sydney watches from above, wondering why no one points out that she was a dick WAY before Julia and Joel ever broke up.

Namaste, Asshole!

Alert Type: New Age Mumbo-Jumbo Alert.

Issue: Crosby has been dispatched -- in the minivan, against his will, since he finally had to disclose to Jasmine that he got into an accident on his motorcycle, bruised the shit out of his ribs, and still hasn't been to the doctor, so she forbade him from taking the bike -- to the "spiritual healing centre" in Big Sur where Oliver has been staying, in the hopes of talking him out of defecting from Adam and Crosby's "label."

Complicating Factors: When Crosby arrives, the whole place is in the middle of a three-day silence, which will make it hard for Crosby to talk Oliver out of anything.

Resolution: Oliver is thrilled to see Crosby and excitedly asks him to stay the night and enjoy all the benefits of this place that Oliver has already reaped.

Spoiler: Staying the night will not further Crosby's cause as much as he assumes it will.

Failing To Find Your Centre At The Centre

The morning after his night at the "spiritual healing centre," Crosby is back out on the lawn with Oliver, lying about how great he feels and how happy he is he stayed and hey, about that whole Submodo rumour...? Oliver, with zero sense that this will be bad news to Crosby, says that it's a done deal: he's already signed with Submodo. And here's where Crosby explodes. It's already obnoxious enough that he's spent the last thirty-six hours or so ruining everyone else's attempts to maintain their three-day silence by talking all through it in front of all the guests: he then goes nuts on Oliver, but takes it out on the Centre, messing around with the singing bowls, calling the apparent leader "Koresh," and leaving before he forces what are probably peace-loving guests to remove him from the premises. Look, would I like to spend three days in silence with a bunch of dumb hippies? No, I sure wouldn't. But how about having a tiny amount of respect for other people's bullshit beliefs and practices, Crosby? It's not the BOWLS' fault that Oliver screwed you over. It's not even Oliver's fault -- he's just getting his, because ADAM'S TERRIBLE CONTRACT allowed him to do it! GO KICK ADAM!

Can Everyone Put The Shovels Away, Please?

Who called the meeting? Camille.

What's it about? What she perceives as Zeek's resistance to exercise during his convalescence.

How'd it go? As Kristina looks on from the kitchen, Camille cries to Adam that this is the first physical challenge in her whole marriage to Zeek that he hasn't tackled: "Now he just sits there...I think he's afraid to try. I'm afraid he's giving up." Okay, she's basing this on the fact that Julia came over to try to get him to go for a walk and he didn't feel like it; he tricked Jabbar into getting him an iced tea; and he's generally lethargic. But like, Zeek got out of the hospital like two days ago? After open-heart surgery? CAN EVERYONE GET OFF HIS JOCK, PLEASE? (This from someone who routinely spends entire weekend days in bed watching TV. BUT STILL.)

Sarah congratulates Hank on a job well done having an awkward conversation with Sandy! They're happy that Sarah's "out of the box"! Then Sandy shows up with Ruby, and Sandy very deliberately gives Sarah a cordial (and sincere) greeting, because Sandy is a good person who, unlike her husband, understands how polite society works! When she leaves, Sarah tries to talk up their planned pizza night to Ruby, who snits, "I don't do dairy." Hank apparently knew this but didn't think to say so when they were planning dinner? And then Ruby asks Sarah if her sweater is Forever 21! Smiling more uncomfortably, Sarah says it's "Sometimes 40, I guess," and Ruby snarks, "Nice try. Valiant effort." She drifts off, and Sarah has to explain, "It's not a compliment." Congratulations, Sydney, you're at least TIED for shittiest kid in the episode!

Adam tries to talk to Max about school and whether anyone there has been bothering him, "like maybe Dylan"! Max doesn't take the bait, but he has a question for Adam: "What do you do when you like a girl?"

Adam doesn't seem to know how to process a Max that might have any kind of romantic life! GOOD LUCK IN ADVANCE WITH YOUR HANDFUL, DYLAN!

Joel comes by the house to drop off some of Victor's baseball stuff, and when he goes into the house, Joel and Julia tell Sydney they want to talk to her! They know she's been freaked out about their current unsettled situation and would like to know what's going to happen..."but the truth is we don't know," says Julia! To Joel's surprise, Julia says she knows Sydney would like some certainty, but that Joel and Julia just want to make the right decision and they don't know what that is! Sydney, crying, tries to run away, saying she doesn't want to talk about it anymore, but Joel gathers her into a hug and gives Julia a Significant Look over Sydney's head! Julia, this is cruel to everyone! Don't be Hank about it!

Jasmine wakes up to hear the sound of a minivan door closing and gets up to go see Crosby! Except when she gets outside he's already peeling off on his motorcycle! If Crosby ends up being the one to die in Parenthood's Farewell Season, I will not be upset! Motorcycles are death machines and I hate even driving near them!

Kristina comes by to see Zeek, wryly informing him, "Boy, do you look like crap!" Zeek crabbily jokes that she can leave right now, and she reminds him, "I had cancer, so I get a free pass." After some gallows-y humour on both sides, Kristina says "the crappiest part" of being sick for her was "the people," with their sad or pitying faces, or their false cheer and use of the word "we" to describe what was actually HER recovery. Zeek relates to all of this, of course, so he's not prepared for Kristina's sneakiness as she says that even though it was hard for her to admit how sick she was, and how scared, she had to try to get better, and so does he! Zeek is moved and tells her, "Get me up"! She does, with some difficulty, but then she grins at his progress and he squeezes her and they go out for a walk! I would have milked it for at least another week, so I guess Zeek is a better man than I am!