Love Among The Potpourri Of Freaks

The Scale Of Affection Is Rehashed Incessantly

Three months after the events of the last episode, Dylan has progressed to hanging out with Max at his house. But how much progress does that actually represent for their relationship?

'Because, Like, Did You Know Cribs Don't Come With Mattresses Or Sheets?!'

Alert Type: Raise Alert.

Issue: Having just made an exploratory trip to a baby store with Drew, Amber is horrified to learn -- apparently for the first time, since she's never in her life been invited to a shower -- that baby stuff is super-duper-expensive, and she's decided the time might be right to ask her uncles for a raise (even though I feel like this is the first time this season that we've even had any confirmation that Amber still worked at the Luncheonette, which kind of gives lie to her whole "I work really hard" line of argument).

Complicating Factors: Though Crosby and Adam have been trying to shield her from the harsh realities, as we know, The Luncheonette is not doing so great these days. And Amber's raise-getting project doesn't get any easier after she walks in on Crosby and Adam discussing the matter just in time to hear Adam say that if Amber were not their niece, he would have laid her off three months ago.

Resolution: Crosby promises Amber that Adam is Mr. Backup Plan, with backups for his backups, so Amber shouldn't worry that they're going to figure everything out.

Spoiler: Adam might need a new nickname.

"This Is A Girl Whose Dad Kind Of Sucks..."

What's the game? Celebrity.

Who's playing? Sarah and Amber are one team; Hank and Ruby are the other.

What's at stake? Ruby's love for Hank; Sarah's credibility as a potential official stepmother, since winning over Ruby with a Braverman-style game night was her idea.

Who wins? At first, it seems like Hank might be winning the larger game; as soon as Amber arrives, Ruby recalibrates her usual sour attitude to be more accommodating to a cool person closer to her own age, and Amber and Sarah's clear Celebrity dominance actually sparks a little competitive spirit in Ruby. But when she pulls a slip and doesn't know what it means, forcing her to give Hank the clue "I'm allergic to these" and he DOESN'T GET IT, she gets angry that he knows her so little and apparently cares even less (I mean, honestly, any parent who doesn't know his child is allergic to peanuts should probably be barred from seeing her ever) and storms out of the game. Also "Peanuts" was Hank's clue. HANK SUCKS.

Where Is The Love (Actually Directed)?

Situation: After hearing from Max that Dylan told him she thinks Max has nice eyes, Adam is happy that Dylan is starting to like Max back That Way.

What makes it awkward? Kristina, who's noticed how little time Dylan actually spends with Max when she comes over and how absent Dylan's parents seem to be, suspects that Dylan might like Max's comfortable and warm home life more than she actually likes Max.

How is order restored? In the short term, Kristina grabs Dylan at school and pretty much asks straight out if she's leading Max on because she likes the rest of his family. Dylan shrugs, "Sometimes Max is funny, and sometimes Max is boring" (and given that he decided to spend a considerable part of their first sleepover cleaning his camera lenses, the latter definitely seems to be true), but she offers not to come over so much if she's bugging Kristina and Adam. Kristina falls over herself to insist that Dylan should come over: "We'll bake or something." But in the long term, what is actually up with Dylan's parents? What kind of parents send their troubled child to do her own intake interview at a weird alternative school all by herself? Why isn't Kristina MORE suspicious of how easygoing and/or never home Dylan's parents are?!

The Practice Mom

When a wasted Ruby sneaks into Hank's in the middle of the night and drops her purse on the floor next to Amber, waking her up, Amber quickly groks the situation and lets herself be pressed into service helping her, even though the only thing worse than waking up any sleeping person is WAKING UP A PREGNANT WOMAN. In the bathroom, as Amber gently takes care of a puking Ruby and helps clean her up, Ruby is either in such a bad way or just so drunk that she manages to be kind and appreciative to Amber, which is maybe the first time we've ever seen Ruby do anything this season that wasn't punchworthy? When Amber brings her coffee the next morning and sticks to her promise not to say anything to Hank or Sarah about Ruby's having sneaked out, she even gives her the benefit of her wisdom, telling her that she has a dad who may not get things right all the time, but who's at least trying, unlike Amber's own dad. So if Ruby ends the series not being a TOTAL rotten little shit, we all have Amber to thank!

Accio Disappointment!

Who called the meeting? Jasmine.

What's it about? Initially, it's about Jabbar's wish for a birthday trip to Harry Potter World; she's spent four hours on Expedia and determined that she, Crosby, and Jabbar can swing it for under $2000 and even lined up her mom to take care of Aida.

How'd it go? Being confronted by a potential expenditure that large finally forces Crosby to tell Jasmine what he's been hiding from her for the past few weeks: the business is in trouble and they can't afford the trip. As soon as he's admitted it out loud, he starts spinning doomsday scenarios about having to sell the house and maybe move Jabbar to a district that would take him out of his current school, but Jasmine very kindly calms him down: she says that while she loves their house and thinks The Luncheonette is a great business (eh) that he should be proud of (I mean), losing them doesn't scare her -- his hiding from her and taking off in the middle of the night does. When he looks away in shame, she makes him focus on him and gives him her bottom line: "You're my guy, for the rest of my life. You're all we need." Aw. It's like I always say about marriage: everyone gets to be crazy sometimes, but you have to take turns.

Having had her chat with Amber, Ruby's pulled herself together! And she apologizes for having been a shithead the night before (even though that whole allergy thing put her a little bit in the right for once, in this commentator's opinion!)! She also specifically thanks Sarah for having tried to do something special for Ruby and involving her in one of Sarah's family traditions! She says she's going over to Sadie's to study, and quickly adds, "It's for-real study this time," promising to call when she gets there! She and Hank even exchange "I love you"s! Hank is shocked, asking Sarah how that even happened! Sarah tells him not to question it, and to enjoy the win, because it won't last long! Don't take too much credit either, Sarah!

Now that he's spent the whole episode stressing out about his future and his responsibilities to his pregnant sister and as-yet-unborn niece or nephew and seeking advice from his practical Uncle Adam, Drew has decided on a major, and even though Adam told him he wishes that when he was younger he'd actually pursued college courses he was passionate and excited about, Drew's going to major in Econ! Natalie, knowing this is hardly Drew's actual area of interest, tries to tell him that Amber's future financial needs are not his problem, but Drew's like, actually, they are: "I have to pay off my student loans when I leave. My mom's not going to help me. My parents -- they can't float me if I can't get a job, like you, all right? I have to be the one that makes money!" Natalie doesn't really have any response to that!

Having bitched to Kristina already about how he could ankle The Luncheonette and get a real job via a headhunter whenever he wants (doubtful) and been told by Kristina that he could (uh) but he won't because he loves helping people too much, Adam finds Amber at work and tells her that he actually doesn't have a backup plan! Ruh roh! But then he adds that he's not going to quit trying to make The Luncheonette a success until she gets the raise she deserves, because they're all family and they're going to take care of her! How, exactly? MOVING ON!

Dylan invites herself over for dinner at Max's! Hey, are her parents back from "out of town" yet? MOVING ON AGAIN!

Crosby brings Jabbar home from seeing Zeek and Camille and getting his birthday gift from them, and while he wants to play with whatever the hell it is immediately, Jasmine tells him he needs to go bring in his shoes from outside first...

...where he walks right into a surprise Harry Potter party! Aw!

The Sorting Hat sorts Jabbar into Gryffindor, phew! So even though he didn't get to go to the actual Harry Potter World, he still got a nice birthday party and everything's great, RIGHT CROSBY???

HMMMMMMMMMM.