Splitting Up The House (Or Not)

Establishing Snots

Nora wanders down the hall to find...AMBER?! Max, who follows swiftly on Nora's heels, exposits that Adam and Kristina are in Sacramento trying to beg donations for Snowflake Academy, and further exposits that Amber has agreed to take Nora and Max to Alcatraz the next day, and that they already have tickets, and that he's worked out exactly how long they'll need to get there, and that he doesn't trust Amber to be able to get sufficiently organized to achieve their shared objective. KEEP THIS IN MIND, IT MIGHT END UP BEING PROPHETIC.

Zeek is enjoying riding along with Drew in the GTO to some mystery location, while Drew is tense (and apparently doesn't love getting directions whenever Zeek remembers he's supposed to be giving them). Before long, they've reached their destination: Big Top Burgers. Drew, who thought they were going to the doctor and not just going for forbidden food in Oakland, far from Camille's judgmental eyes, is piiiiiiiiissed.

Hank is briefing Max on the proper care of the lens Hank's lending him for the Alcatraz trip when Ruby comes in, raging that she wants to change schools. Hank and Max give two versions of the same response: taking her at face value and jumping to the solution rather than trying to understand what she's so upset about, but fortunately for Ruby, the neurotypical Sarah is there and knows the right question to ask: who's the guy? Ding! Ruby's upset about some bro named Jake, and Sarah leads her away pretending she'll entertain the idea of Ruby changing schools, but pointing out that if she does, Jake will know he's the reason, and his ego will be even more inflated, and long story short, this is your second reminder that Max is bad with people but only the first (of several) that Hank is too!

A House Divided

Joel and Julia are apparently near the end of their divorce mediation with just one matter left unresolved: the house, which the mediator had recommended they each think about. Julia, after a long pause, says she thinks they should sell the house and divide the proceeds 50/50. Joel, after an even longer (some would say catatonic) pause, chokes out, "She can have it. It's our kids' home. It's your home. I want you to have it." Is this some kind of wisdom of Solomon gambit where Joel thinks he'll be given the house if he proves he's the only one who doesn't want it figuratively cut in half? Anyway, Julia is obviously fine keeping their nice house (maybe now she can do something about those cable bannisters), but alone together in the elevator, they give in to their emotions. It's sad!

Me to my sister as we watched: "God, can you imagine getting divorced?" Her: "Ugh, NO." The haaaaaaassle. Plus that we both love our husbands or whatever.

To Alcatraz -- But First, The Driveway!

Remember how Max was nervous about Amber being able to get her shit sufficiently together to get them to the Alcatraz ferry in time to use the tickets they already had? Well, you're never going to believe this but it's not looking great.

Getting To Alcatraz FAQ

Q: How much more time should a childless person allow herself to make a journey with two minors?
A: At least an hour, apparently.

Q: Is it helpful if one of those minors is constantly checking his watch to give updates on how far behind schedule his guardian is?
A: Apparently, it is not.

Q: What tools will you need to operate the vehicle used to get to the Alcatraz ferry?
A: ...keys?

Q: If you can't find the keys to the vehicle normally used to transport a toddler, how easy is it to move a car seat into another car?
A: Hard.

Q: Is it harder or easier to do if the second car is older than car seat technology?
A: Harder!

Q: How well equipped would a child with Asperger's be to accept that a trip he was looking forward to taking isn't going to happen due to someone else's lack of preparation?
A: Not well. Not well. at all.

Q: Is the successful completion of this trip a metaphor for anything else?
A: In fact, it is a dress rehearsal for the guardian's eventual parenthood, and if the adage is true, this dress rehearsal is so terrible that maybe her parenthood will be a gigantic success?

Bad Times At Hank's Apartment

Situation: To try to help Ruby feel better about her current Jake-based humiliations at school, Sarah's watching an edited-for-television version of Fast Times At Ridgemont High with her.

What makes it awkward? Sandy comes in (early, which Ruby's not prepared for because she was so engrossed in the movie she didn't get Sandy's text) and starts berating Sarah and Hank for letting Ruby watch a movie that "glorifies sexual promiscuity." As Sarah tries to deal with the conflict, Hank suddenly decides he needs to go get his lens from Max and takes off.

How is order restored? Hank's departure has the temporary effect of putting both women on the same side in opposition to him. Sarah: "Wow. Really?" Sandy: "Oh yeah. Get used to that." Or don't, and break up. He is not worth the myriad inconveniences.

The (Reluctant) Bachelor)

Alert Type: Heartbreak Alert.

Issue: Julia thinks Joel acted emotionally in the mediator's office, and has come to his sad, under-decorated bachelor apartment with sirens blaring outside to give him the chance to change his mind.

Complicating Factors: When Julia describes the house as "an asset," Joel gets even MORE emotional. He talks about it being the place they brought their baby daughter to, the first safe place their son ever spent the night: "It's not an asset. It's a home." He knows he hurt Julia and that everything that's happened lately is basically his fault, but that doesn't mean he thinks he should keep OR sell the house: "If I can't have you in it, I don't want it."

Resolution: Julia accepts the house because continuing this discussion further is unimaginable, and also...hey, free house.

Spoiler: Joel may not have completely given up on the idea of living in the house again.

Zeek vs. Drew

With a complete disregard for the fact that Drew is in the middle of finals (for classes he doesn't even care about anyway), Zeek has roped him in for another mysterious "adventure" that will only take five or six hours at the most. After following his directions to a strip mall (which looks like it's been there for at least fifty years, btw), Zeek has a raisin meltdown, complaining that there used to be a field there where he'd come with his dad to shoot cans of creamed corn...which is what he intended to do there with Drew today. Drew thinks he's kidding, but Zeek opens the trunk, and yeah, sure enough, there's a net bag of creamed corn (because when you're getting ready to destroy several metal cans for no good reason, it's important not to transport those cans in plastic) and a little zippered pouch containing a handgun, which Zeek heedlessly takes out. Here's where Drew has finally had enough, screaming at Zeek that he can't just take a gun out when you're standing in the parking lot of a liquor store, and furthermore, "You don't even know how I feel about guns!" He stalks back to the driver's seat and starts the car. "Adventure" over.

Winner: Drew/public safety.

Hank vs. Sarah

Hank comes back from getting the lens from Max to find a tense Sarah waiting to have a meaningful discussion with him about what just happened. What Sarah doesn't know is that his contact with Max today ended with the two of them pacing on parallel tracks, Max in a tizzy about the ruined day and Hank cursing himself for leaving in the middle of Sarah and Sandy's standoff about the movie/Sarah's parenting style, but whatever insight he thinks he's gleaned is useless. Sarah tells him that the fight earlier wasn't really about the movie -- it was about Sandy being upset at the idea that Ruby was bonding with Sarah, and that Sandy was getting crowded out. Hank doesn't understand why Sandy was yelling about a movie, then. As he drones on, he mentions, in passing, that when he saw Amber she was crying, Sarah (obviously) wants to know what she was crying about, but Hank doesn't know, because he didn't ask her. Sarah's like, fuuuuuuck this, and stomps out to go find out why her child was crying (and getting zero comfort from Hank), leaving Hank to consider whether his seeing a person he knows crying and NOT asking why is normal. At least he arrives at "not normal" on his own, which is progress? But still: no. No, Hank.

Winner: Sarah.

"The System Has Broken Down"

When Sarah gets to Adam and Kristina's, it's chaos. The living room is a shambles, with Otis eating ice cream directly out of the container and Max watching Child's Play. After pausing long enough to note that Max is probably not supposed to be watching it, Sarah's like, "[shrug]," and goes upstairs to find Amber. Fortunately, Amber is no longer crying, but she is in Adam and Kristina's bed with Nora, which she says was the one thing she was NOT supposed to let Nora do. This leads to more self-doubt from Amber about her ability to be a mother and what this day has proven about how shitty she's going to be at it, so Sarah reassures her by reminding her that babies don't start out talking and asking for things they can't have; they're little and all they do is poo. (My sister, a mother of two: "That's...not really accurate.") In the end, Amber is reassured again, but here's a question: hasn't Amber probably been babysitting most of her life, and babysitting these particular kids all their lives? If her total fail of a day is supposed to be the result of her pregnancy brain or whatever, shouldn't that have been established in dialogue or something? I know she's been feckless in her past or whatever, but honestly, she should have been very capable of handling taking two kids to a ferry without completely falling apart.

Side Bitch Bitches Out, Part 5000

Julia is quietly pondering her divorce papers when Side Bitch stops by to pick her up for a date she forgot they were going to have. Before long, they're sitting on the couch discussing her divorce, and the house she just got, and how she's now been sentenced to stay "in the middle of all these memories." They toast to those, and then Side Bitch is like, if I finish this glass I'm going to be too drunk to drive, and Julia's like, BYE, because she doesn't actually like him.

Sorry About...Literally Everything

Who called the meeting? Hank.

What's it about? The dispute about the movie earlier.

How'd it go? It starts poorly: Hank, going off what Sarah had told him, starts by informing Sandy that Sarah will never replace her in Ruby's life. Sandy: "Of course not. I'm Ruby's mother." Hank's like, then we're good, if you get that, and tries to go, but Sandy accuses him of trying to pick a fight, whereupon Hank relents and says he has recently learned that he's not good at communicating. Sandy's like, recently?! Hank says he knows she always told him he was bad at communicating, but that he always just thought she was "an oversensitive shrew," but now that he's been "seeing a guy" (which he then ALSO has to explain), he's pretty sure he has Asperger's. Sandy's pretty shocked, and doesn't really know what to say, and Hank tells her he's starting to understand that it must have been hard for her to be married to him: "Was it?" She nods, because duh. She says she wishes she'd known what Hank's deal was, and Hank says that now that HE knows, he's going to try to work harder at communicating with Ruby, and with Sandy. It ends with Sandy thanking him and the two agreeing "We're good," so...they wind up in a lot better situation than where we started.

Time To Say Goodbye (Maybe)

Now that divorce papers have been delivered, Joel stops by to talk baseball with the Braverman with whom he's had the second-most-fraught relationship...but though the chat is perfectly cordial, Zeek suspects that's not ACTUALLY what Joel wants to talk about.

Sandy comes to pick up Ruby and gloats about what a big day she has planned for them! Ruby is dubious when Sandy says they're going to Yogurtland, until Sandy says she called all over town and found the one that has taro root yogurt available! Ruby legitimately freaks out and it becomes clear that this is a family thing for the three of them and that Sarah is not part of it -- and, when Sandy invites Hank to come with them to have some, that Sarah's not GOING to be part of it! "You don't mind if we steal him for the day, do you?" asks Sandy. What's Sarah supposed to say?!

Drew, who's finally managed to listen to Natalie's advice about Drew being more empathetic to Zeek and understand that Zeek is trying to make happy memories with him, picks up Zeek for a surprise adventure...to an outdoor shooting range! I guess now we know how Drew feels about guns!

The Rizzolis happily walk with their yogurt! Sarah who?

Amber reads Nora a story! She doesn't suck at that!

Joel is arranging the pillows on his new, nice sofa and giving it a test sit when he suddenly has an epiphany and drives over to...Julia's! She can tell he's agitated and asks what's wrong! Here's what! "A year ago, you asked me to fight for you. And I was too stupid to listen. So I'm here. I don't want to live another day without you, Julia. Not another second. So I am fighting for you, and I'm fighting for our marriage. I want you back." GOOD LORD, FINALLY, LIKE ANYONE BELIEVED THEY WOULD ACTUALLY END "THE FAREWELL SERIES" APART!!!