Scandal Gets Its Office Space On

Seething, Seeeeeeeeeeething

Situation: Fitz, Mellie, and Andrew still have to work together on the campaign.

What Makes Awkward? Fitz just found out, thanks to one of his dumb wiener kids, that Mellie and Andrew are fucking; Liv is so over all of them that, to Cyrus's chagrin, she's peaced out for the day and sent Abby to run things as her proxy.

How is order restored? Fitz thinks order will be restored if he kicks Andrew off the ticket, but Liv has to explain to his stupid ass that this will actually have the effect of making him look like a goddamn idiot, so she forces him to say that even though he doesn't want Mellie, he also doesn't want anyone else to have her either. Liv makes Andrew choose between being Vice-President (...maybe), or being with Mellie, and promises that if he does choose Mellie -- and she hopes it does; it will restore her faith in humanity -- she'll destroy him, and then Mellie won't want him anymore anyway because he won't have any power. So Andrew chooses the ticket, of course, and Liv finds a brand-new way to fuck up Mellie's life...but we'll get to that.

So If You Could Just Let Us Siphon Micropayments Out Of Your Operating Budgets, That'd Be Greeeeeeeeeat

Evidently, Liv is blowing off the campaign only in part because the interview was such an ordeal; she's also visiting Rowan to talk about the B613 budget. And the reason she couldn't find its finances in one department is that he came up with an algorithm that siphons money from all government departments -- so, basically, just like the scam from Office Space??? COOL, I GUESS ROWAN'S A MIKE JUDGE FAN. (Liv also tries to extract a pledge from Rowan that, if they work together, he won't hurt Fitz, and Rowan pauses for about twenty minutes and then says, "I promise not to touch a hair on his head," which, I feel like, still gives him kind of a lot of leeway. "Hey, I said I wouldn't mess with his head-hair; I never said anything about stabbing him in the kidneys!" - Rowan In The Season Finale.)

The Killing Field (Of Presidential Candidates)

Alert Type: WTF Alert.

Issue: Even though it is COMPLETELY ABSURD that in this universe, a Presidential candidate could still be viable if HIS WIFE WERE SERVING A SENTENCE FOR MURDER, as the News News News channel reports, Reston visits said murderous wife Joan in prison every week.

Complicating Factors: The edge this is apparently giving him with female voters is fucking both the Grant and the Langston campaigns...so Langston buys out Jeannine's gag order, allowing her to write a tell-all book about her fake sexcapades with Fitz and that he's hung with a "baguette" and not a "breadstick." Cyrus takes it upon himself to leak Cassidy's super-secret abortion, and then Liv has to tear him a new one because this just allows Sally to say her position on abortion has evolved AND makes her look sympathetic, helping HER gain ground with female voters.

Resolution: Abby and Leo take Reston's file to Joan so that she finds out the truth about the shooting (which is that he did it because he knew Joan was fucking the victim); Joan confronts him with it at his next prison visit, whereupon he threatens to have her shipped off to a crazy house if she talks.

Spoiler: The Restons may think they're alone during this fight, and technically they are...but they also kind of aren't.

Services Liv Thinks She Might Be Billing Fitz For Today

• stroke his ego
• be his cheerleader
• wipe his tears
• be his nanny
• fight his bullies
• be his bodyguard
• make him feel good
• be his dealer
• make him feel hot/manly/ready so he's not jealous of Andrew
• be his fluffer

When They Met, It Was Murder And Probably Lots Of Other Collateral Injuries As Well!

The fun thing about Marie Wallace is that there's apparently no end to the interesting, resourceful people in her social network. Like this guy!

Jake Needs To MOVE ON

Jake is so bummed by his stupid, miserable life that he gets drunk and goes over to Liv's and begs her on the phone AND through the door to let him in. She tells him that they can't be together -- "You kill my friends" -- and when he counters that James wasn't her friend and that he'd never kill her friends, she's like, I was his kid's godmother. He realizes that drawing these sorts of distinctions makes him sound very B613, and whines, "I wish you had just stood in the sun with me." ENOUGH WITH THE SUN! GIVE UP ON THE SUN! YOU TOOK A JOB AS A VAMPIRE SO SUCK SOME FUCKING BLOOD AND GET ON WITH IT AND ALSO QUIT SNIFFING AFTER THIS ONE, YOU KNOW SHE'S ALREADY IN A TERRIBLE DOOMED LOVE AFFAIR WITH SOME OTHER CHUMP. HAVE SOME DIGNITY OR DON'T YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE???

The Heart Wants What It Wants. This Also Applies To The Pants.

So as much as I'm against Jake pathetically chasing after Liv, and as shitty as it is that the main reason Liv goes over to his place is to distract him long enough to attach some kind of thing Huck gave her to Jake's cell phone so that he can get access to B613 (which, by the way, should Jake even be USING a commercially available cell phone under the circumstances and should he be able to control anything at the office with it?)...I mean, she might as well get some off him. He fine.

Fuck Off, Fitz

Fitz comes back to the official First Bedroom. Mellie anxiously asks whether he made the bed, because she doesn't want the maids to see that they're no longer sleeping together, FOR THE SAKE OF HIS CAMPAIGN/CAREER. In response, he is dismissive. Then she offers him the choice of some ties she pulled for an appearance they're making later that day, and he takes all three and throws them on the floor and is generally mean and a shithead. Fitz: die in a fire. Mellie: set the fire that Fitz dies in.

What A Sweet Reunion!

Who called the meeting? Liv called it; then Marie crashed it.

What's it about? It starts out being about how Liv will know when it's time for her to walk away from this terrible life of hers, but when Marie shows up, things change: she's there to warn Liv that she should go into a less dangerous line of work. But hey, what does she mean, "dangerous"?

How'd it go? Well, here's what. Harrison's old pal Claire (a) was working with Marie and Adnan to get a bunch of passports for Marie's various thug friends, but then (b) got freaked out and called Harrison to try to get her out of this whole plot, but then (c) Harrison calls Liv moments after Marie sits down to tell her that Claire has been violently murdered. So Marie leaves pretty smug, but it's no fun for either of the other two people present. Or Claire, for that matter.

Leo whines that his and Abby's meeting with Joan Reston came to nothing, but then she shows him that she filmed the Restons' prison visiting room confrontation and put it online! Abby is good at her job! Maybe people will learn her name now!

After triumphing at a Woman Warriors event (and capitalizing on Reston's fuckup at the same time), Mellie finds Andrew intending to celebrate -- vaginally! But he ices her out because he knows what's up!

Mellie storms into the Oval and, in front of a room full of people, slaps the shit out of Fitz, screaming, "YOU TAKE EVERYTHING FROM ME!!!"

A couple of days of being the Diet Coke version of Olivia Pope have apparently cured Abby of wanting Liv's job: "Your job is really hard"! Liv tells her how Rowan wanted to disappear her in the season premiere, and that she sometimes wonders why she didn't let him! Abby gives her a whole speech about how Liv couldn't run away because she's a gladiators, and gladiators don't run, they fight! Remember when Liv was supposed to be a good guy? Remind Mellie because I think she forgot!

That guy Clive (or whatever) shows up to Marie's hotel room with roses...and a bomb!!!

Charlie and Quinn, who've been surveilling the suite, shit a brick, but Jake tells them to stand down! Quinn freaks out, which Charlie takes to be evidence that she wants to solve the case, save the day, and go running back to Liv, like maybe she just doesn't want a bomb to go off, which is Y'ALL'S JOB?!

Thanks to the device Liv stuck on Jake's phone, Huck is IN on all of B613's operations! He can shut it down right now! Should he shut it down?! "SHUT IT DOWN," SAYS LIV!

Adnan's in the middle of asking, "White House or campaign trail" when...

...all of B613's operations go offline! When Huck shut it down, apparently it took immediate effect across the board, including the LIGHTS in JAKE'S OFFICE and that his PHONE NO LONGER WORKS, because apparentlY B613 pays its utility bills in real time on a continuous Bitcoin drip or something!

And then, right in the middle of a celebration at Olivia Pope & Associates...

...Jake storms in, slams Liv up against a window wall by the throat, and tells her, "You just killed the President!" OH MY GOD, PLEASE LET IT BE TRUE!!!!!