Scandal Never Kills The People You Want It To

Opportunity Knocks (People Over When A Bomb Goes Off)

Alert Type: Tragedy Exploitation Alert.

Issue: The bomb in the church has gone off, and even though Jake got through to SOMEONE in time to evacuate most of the people in it, from what we can tell, there are injuries, and the press is swarming the scene since they were already there for...you know, the funeral.

Complicating Factors: Since Cyrus has been blowing off Jake's calls this whole time and stalling Fitz at the White House, now that something's actually happened, he's at a disadvantage to Sally, who's on the scene.

Resolution: Leo -- who calls this Sally's 9/11 or Pearl Harbor, and rips her sleeve to make her look even more messed-up on camera -- urges her to go out and help people (or, as he puts it, "Be Jesus"). Sally takes to the role like a natural, even making a reporter help her put pressure on a woman's injuries and yelling at the cameras to quit filming her -- which of course they don't. And when Olivia makes Fitz go address the press corps, all the news broadcasts put him in a split screen with Sally actually doing shit instead of talking about it...until all of them, one by one, blink away from Fitz and give Sally the full screen, proving that getting screamed at on the phone by Olivia Pope isn't as scary as it used to be. Olivia and Cyrus defeatedly agree that this has lost Fitz the election.

Spoiler: Something may yet happen to give Fitz an advantage over Sally after all.

Enhance!

Enhance!

Enhance!

Must You?

Harrison's just weaseled out of getting shot by Adnan at whatever weird warehouse she was holding him at (apparently by making a deal with her, because even though we've just seen him telling her that he's tracked all her financials, the next thing we see him telling Abby that he hasn't), and what's his reward? COMING BACK TO HIS PLACE OF WORK TO SEE HUCK AND QUINN FUCKING ALL IN IT.

Under the circumstances, these expressions of horror seem restrained, because...

...they're doing it inches from the puddle where Rowan (who's now in hospital) was bleeding out a few hours ago. QUINN AND HUCK YOU ARE THE GROSSEST COUPLE IN TELEVISION AND I REALLY HOPE YOUR BREAKUP STICKS WHOOPS SPOILER ALERT.

"We Don't Want You." - Vermont.

Fitz, having finally accepted that his failure to outshine Sally at the bomb site has lost him the election, is working on his very last speech of the campaign when Olivia enters, giving him the chance to bring up his dumb, unattainable fantasy again: Vermont, jam, babies, fishcakes. He promises that he's going to divorce Mellie for real this time, and Liv's like, ooooooooh, about that. Then she betrays Mellie's trust by telling Fitz about Big Jerry's rape. Fitz's immediate response is to say Mellie has lied about this -- and he kind of has to, since he's just finished saying what a vindictive, opportunistic monster she is, and now this revelation kind of makes him look like a retroactive shithead -- but Liv says she believes Mellie, and that's all it takes for Fitz to love Mellie enough to go into whatever room she's getting moonshine-drunk in and kiss her on the head and say he doesn't care whether Jerry is actually his biological son (which, apparently he is). She says she fought, he believes her, and the love triangle is on for maybe the first time we've seen since this stupid show began? Mellie, you can do better.

Quinn Worms Her Way Into Huck's Framily

Situation: On his way out Quinn's door, Charlie gave her an envelope full of "something [Huck] wants more than anything" -- information on his family from his old life.

What Makes It Awkward? Huck is still too cared to do more than spy on his wife and child, and he's so furious that he tells Quinn never to speak to him again. I guess that doesn't necessarily mean they won't still be fucking, but I'll take it!

How is order restored? Huck shows up at Liv's looking sad and weird and annoying (so: the usual); she tells him to go see his family, and even though he says they're better off without him, we all know he rarely disagrees with Liv.

Fitz and his stupid sad face call Liv from his last campaign event and whine at her about why she's not there, and she has to be like, remember how my mother set the bomb that led directly to your losing the election? and he's like, oh right. They agree that he would have to be a real piece of shit to leave Mellie now that he knows her Horrible Secret, but Liv and Fitz are still sufficiently sad to stay on the phone and listen to each other's silence like a couple of stupid teenagers. They still love each other, whatever the hell that means to these two piles of garbage!

Liv walks into Rowan's hospital room to find Marie sitting there, claiming she did all this for Liv, out of revenge for what Fitz did to her, and that if Liv had kids she'd understand! MAYBE LIV WILL UNDERSTAND SOONER THAN MARIE THINKS BASED ON WHAT'S STRATEGICALLY HIDING BEHIND SOME WATER PITCHERS! Liv asks if anything about their life as a family was real, and Marie's like, "I didn't kill him, and we both know I could have!" KIND OF MAKES YOU WONDER ABOUT THE DOCTOR SAYING THAT ROWAN ESCAPED DEATH BY MERE MILLIMETERS, HUH???

And then, onstage in Ohio, Jerry's sneezing blood and totally collapsing, and I think we're all wondering the same thing: WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN FITZ?!

Fitzgerald Grant III, 1998-2014

Dear, dead Jerry. If you really meant it when you told your dad -- in your very last words on this earth -- that you were sorry he was about to lose the election, I'm sure you'll be pleased to know that your extremely public, well-timed death from meningitis ended up being extremely helpful to him politically. And frankly, now that we know your actual parentage, your interest value had pretty much run its course anyway. Bye!

Revenge Moves To Thursdays

Who called the meeting? Technically, Tom, but then Rowan kind of crashes it and makes it his own.

What's it about? Tom brings Fitz evidence that Jerry didn't die of regular meningitis, but from some kind of crazy strain, a vial of which got stolen from a lab. SMELLS LIKE MARIE, Y'ALL.

How'd it go? Let's just say that the first person you want to see when you've decided to get revenge on the murder of your son is Rowan, who may not be the head of B613 anymore, but who still has the hookup when it comes to assassination, and likes it so much that he'll even help a sworn enemy set one up...I mean, on his other sworn enemy, but still.

You Can't Stop Progress

Goddammit, Abby, when Liv comes to the office and tells you that SHE is abandoning her terrible old life and taking off for parts unknown, your response should be ELATION that YOU ARE FREE from having to help her with all her appalling missions, not rage that she's leaving you alone to collect money from her father, I mean SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU SCRUPLED TO TAKE DIRTY MONEY BEFORE?! Liv's about to go home and Jake's about to ask her to take him with her and "save" him and don't you understand that's a show we'd actually all like to watch even if he is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too good for her and would in fact be saving her and yes I know he's killed a bunch of people in pretty cold blood but STILL? LET THIS HAPPEN, ABBY, MY GOD.

Rowan finds Harrison and tells him Marie shot Adnan! He has photos to prove it! He needs Harrison to help him find Marie to avenge Adnan! So: good news! Adnan told Harrison where Marie was going to go pick up her loot from the bombing!

And then Marie's getting swarmed by official-looking guys!

And Rowan's calling Fitz to say Marie's dead!

And then Harrison shows up at the Smithsonian to ask his new bestie Rowan to keep Olivia from peacing out because Washington needs her or some bullshit! But he gets an earful of info instead! Guess who's been reinstated as Command of B613 by a President who's really grateful about him killing the woman who killed his kid?! (It's Rowan!) And that makes Harrison think that Marie going after Jerry Jr. wasn't her usual MO, because she just goes wherever the money is and doesn't make shit personal! And then we're seeing a bunch of flashbacks -- going all the way back to the season premiere, when he told Liv that she'd regret crossing him -- that show how Rowan laid his plan! He kept his promise to Liv! She wanted Fitz to be President, and he's going to be! He said he wouldn't harm Fitz, and he didn't! But Fitz took Rowan's child, so ROWAN TOOK HIS! Tom meningitised Jerry and shot Adnan! B613 COMMAND IS COMMAND FOREVER!

Told by Cyrus that he's about to win the election, Fitz can't be happy because he's haunted by memories of all the horrible shit that brought him to this point! With shaking hands, he pours himself a drink! GOOD, THAT'LL HELP!

A beaming Liv gets out of a town car and meets Jake, on the tarmac beside their private plane! First good decision from Liv this season? FIRST GOOD DECISION FROM LIV THIS SEASON!

David Rosen takes delivery of a shitload of boxes from Jake -- boxes of B613 evidence! Sure, David, fight the good fight next season and get killed for your troubles, why don't you?!

Stupid Huck trudges up to the house containing his stupid family no one cares about!

Tom screws the silencer onto his gun! Maybe if you hadn't threatened to kill your wife, Columbus Short, Harrison could have figured out Rowan's plot somewhere other than his office, right in front of him!

And hey, Marie's totally not dead! But she IS in the B613 hole!

And as Liv's beautiful plane starts its taxi, her phone rings with a call from the White House...

...but Liv leaves Mellie to handle her handful her own self...

...and jets off into the actual sunset and a wonderful life with Jake, never to darken any Grant door again, HAHA JK BUT I TOTALLY WISH I BELIEVED THAT WERE TRUE!!!