Scandal Proves Once Again That No Good Can Come Of Having Kids

You Can't Go Home Again (Or Maybe You Just Shouldn't)

Situation: Jerry and Karen, the Grants' two elder children, are coming home from boarding school.

What Makes Awkward? Well, the fact that this is the first time in three years that we've even seen them (played by these two actors, anyway) should give you an idea of how close the family isn't -- and the reason the kids are coming back is to sit with their parents for their first-ever televised interview. And it's live!

How is order restored? Eventually, Karen and Jerry will fulfill their destiny as political props. BUT A LOT OF SHIT HAPPENS BEFORE THAT.

Name, Rank, And Serial Number

Alert Type: Interrogation Alert.

Issue: Quinn has told Charlie about Huck's most recent (and most upsetting) visit to her apartment.

Complicating Factors: Quinn thinks she's smooth as hell leaving out the part where Huck kissed her, but Charlie has been trained by the best and he knows something's up, so he keeps making her tell and re-tell it over and over to try to poke holes in it.

Resolution: Charlie offers to kill Huck for her, which she declines. Also, through it all, Huck has been calling Jake non-stop trying to get him to come to a meeting so that he can make his case for Jake to let her out of B613, but Jake not only dodges him but sends Quinn to meet him instead...and the FUCKING END UP KISSING AGAIN!

Spoiler: Charlie makes Quinn think he's accepted her explanation, but he hasn't.

Russian Dressing Briefing

Remember the guy that Marie didn't kill in her meeting last week? Now Charlie and Quinn have snatched him up, and Fitz is getting a briefing on him.

The Hypocritical Critic

Situation: Liv happens to be walking by (in her capacious poncho, behind a large plant) just as Mellie and Andrew have ended their latest sexcapade.

What Makes Awkward? As campaign manager, it falls under her purview to order Andrew to knock it off with Mellie, even though she...kind of lacks moral authority with regard to the issue of fidelity? As everyone knows?

How is order restored? Karen's about to get an extremely nasty surprise that will put Mellie and Andrew on blast, so I guess that's the opposite of restoring order?

Crappy Parents, Crappy Kids

Alert Type: Sketch Alert.

Issue: Liv has been trying to prep Karen and Jerry for their big TV début.

Complicating Factors: Karen is morose and Jerry is just playing with his phone and generally acting like a cock (which maybe any of us would if we were teenaged boys who had to go around being named Jerry).

Resolution: Liv takes OPA off their current (stupid) project of going through years' worth of budgets to figure out where the government hides its funding for B613 in order to bring it down (and Rowan is about to call and tell her to quit it -- even though he JUST told her it's her job to drag everyone out of the darkness and into the light and all that, so: guh?) in order to investigate the kids, whereupon they find out that Jerry's been running an anti-Fitz Twitter feed; Huck takes it over and removes all traces that Jerry ever had anything to do with it. They also discover that Jerry's bought a Reston campaign t-shirt that he was apparently planning to wear for his interview. So he gets busted, and when Karen runs out on Fitz when he's in the middle of yelling at Jerry, she walks right in on Andrew and Mellie totally doing it like twenty feet away, apparently.

Spoiler: Fitz doesn't follow Karen to this big reveal, buuuuuuuuuuuuuut....

Adnan Of Your Bullshit

Alert Type: Revenge Alert.

Issue: Now that Adnan's had a chance to see how Marie works, she'd kind of like to extricate herself.

Complicating Factors: She can't go to the FBI because Marie is scarier than they are, and she's going to need Liv to negotiate immunity for her (via David).

Resolution: Liv comes through; Adnan is so happy that she totally bangs Harrison in celebration!

Spoiler: This whole thing was a gambit: immunity in hand, Adnan knocks out Harrison, steals POTUS's whole schedule from stupid Liv's stupidly unprotected computer, and takes it back to Marie to sell to Ivan.

Commandos

Who called the meeting? Fitz.

What's it about? Dmitri: Fitz knows B613 has him, and Fitz wants him released into public custody because arresting him will be good for Fitz's campaign.

How'd it go? Well, it's good for Jake in that it gives him a chance to show off all the stuff he learned in "Talk Like B613 Command 101" -- and he's just as good as Rowan in his heyday at reminding Fitz that he's just a pretty figurehead without any real power. But before Fitz can be like JUST DO IT, GEEZ, Cyrus enters and comes at Jake with a knickknack, screaming that he killed James, and has to be detained while Jake slips out, all "Sorry for your loss." Then Cyrus has to tell Fitz the whole story of how and why James was ACTUALLY killed, and that he knows it was for the good of the Republic but that James believed in the fairy tale of democracy and Fitz gets to look sympathetic/horrified.

Since Liv can't cancel the LIVE interview and certainly can't even push it, on sixty-four minutes' notice, when it's been promoted for weeks, just because all the Grants hate each other now, she goes to the kids to try to negotiate! But Jerry won't go on TV and lie!

And now Karen's gone from morose to actively pissed in light of totally walking in on Mellie blowing the man she thinks of as "Uncle Andrew"! So when Fitz bursts in and tries to yell them into doing it, Karen blurts what she saw!

Fitz is shocked!

He's so shocked that after spitting abuse at Liv for keeping the secret from him, he stomps down the hall and punches Andrew in front of a whole room full of people like a fucking genius!

Command Gonna Command

Who called the meeting? Jake.

What's it about? He's visiting Rowan at Rowan's fake Smithsonian job to tell him to quit meeting with super-secret people about super-secret stuff.

How'd it go? It's more boring than usual to watch TWO people do Rowan Pope over-dialogue at each other, but anyway: Rowan turns the encounter around on Jake to say that he didn't come there to threaten Rowan; he came to reassure himself that someone else had walked Jake's current path and that therefore Jake is not alone. But, Rowan says, Jake is alone, and they're not equals, and blah blah blah. Even though Jake gets the last word -- "Thank you for reminding me that when I decide to kill you, I need to do it all by myself" -- Rowan comes out ahead overall.

Andrew wants to go in and support Mellie while she deals with a punching-mad Fitz, but Liv stops him and says she's going to make up a story about his getting a black eye playing tennis with Fitz and kick him back onto the campaign trail! Andrew's like, this isn't some sleazy affair! And Liv's like, ...HEY! IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT ME?! NOT COOL, DUDE!

While Liv eavesdrops, Mellie and Fitz fight! Long fight short, he blames her for his cheating with Liv because after Jerry was born, Mellie told Fitz that having a baby changed her and that she wasn't sexual anymore and thus he broke their marriage! And she hints around about sacrifices she's made for his political career but STILL doesn't tell him about the fact that his dad raped her (though to be fair if they're still trying to have this live interview in two minutes, this would probably not really be the time to do it)! Then Liv knocks to be like, hey guys, interview time, and Fitz screams at her to leave! And she's like

And then Fitz is like

And Mellie's like

Liv is hauling ass out of the White House after Fitz yelled at her when she runs into Cyrus, who tells her she can't leave because if she does he can't! She brings up something that's been bothering her since Marie called her earlier to tell her to give Adnan back, and asks Cyrus to tell her that, despite what Marie said (not that she mentions that part), they're not actually "the help": "If you could do that for me--" "I'd be lying." Hee hee. Cyrus tells her that they both need to remember that what they're doing is important and that James died for a reason and that she has to go back into "that little white building with all those miserable people inside it" and...boss them around, I guess? HOW HAS LIV NOT KILLED HERSELF YET? Her life is TERRIBLE!

So Liv goes back in! And Fitz is all sadface trying to apologize some more, and she barks at him that she IS AT WORK! Even though she was also AT WORK like thirty scenes ago when he was unzipping her pants in the Oval Office! But never mind that! Fitz has to go fix his family because that is not her job, except isn't it, kind of, particularly when a big reason his family is broken is that (a) he's still fucking her and (b) she's always around the White House? BUT NEVER MIND, I GUESS!

So Fitz takes Mellie's hands and they go together to try to make peace, but we don't hear what they actually say to the kids because I guess when it came to a speech that amounts to "let's all pretend your parents, Leader and Mrs. Leader Of The Free World, aren't totally BOTH having affairs with highly placed staff members," even THESE writers' imaginations failed!

Quinn comes home! Charlie's moved in! To protect her from Huck! Surprise! Isn't that great???

Abby and David get back to the office to find Harrison alive but very groggy! I bet he's just glad he got his pants back on before Adnan knocked him out!

Speaking of Adnan: we watch her, with Marie, unveiling for Ivan everything she got from Liv's office...and then we see that Jake is watching the whole thing! B613 has assassins trained on everyone in the room, but Jake wants to wait and see what else transpires!

The whole First Family assembles for the interview! Liv's done it again! But she barely gets a chance to bask in having MANAGED this CRISIS when Rowan calls to (grudgingly) help her in her crusade against B613! It's not ONE department that funds it! IT'S ALL OF THEM! And he's telling her because they're family and FAMILY STICKS TOGETHER! Given what she knows about how both her parents are totally murderers, I BET THIS MAKES LIV FEEL GREAT!!!!!