The Scream Queens Distract Themselves With Ghost Stories While Packing Up Their Closets

Chanel #3 Has Never Heard Of Occam's Razor

Because when she runs into Boone out of costume (beard) on campus, she jumps to a conclusion that seems less logical than it maybe could be?

MissionMrs. Accomplished

Who called the meeting? Chanel.

What's it about? At first, it seems like she's just parading culturally insensitive First Nations cosplay in front of the Chanels, but that turns out to be a pretext for her to make a huge announcement: "I must have forgotten to mention Chad's proposal!"

How'd it go? Then we get the whole story. Chad and Chanel were enjoying another Compliments Night -- "You're so hot you give my bone a bone" -- when...

Though to anyone else this is just a necklace of the sort Chad probably bought on Etsy, it actually has a greater significance: "Every girl who's gotten a Radwell silver turkey wishbone necklace has gotten an engagement ring by Christmas." Well: except one. As Chad has explained to Chanel, "Yeah, her name was Debbie, and she and Dad were dating, but he didn't give her a silver turkey wishbone necklace so she was not invited to Thanksgiving, but showed up anyway, and then hung herself in the orchard and now the whole house is haunted....Like, you know, like the furniture just starts screaming, or like you'll crack open a Mountain Dew and you'll start to drink it and then it'll just turn to blood. We're gonna have, like, the dopest time!"

But never mind! Surely that doesn't apply to Chanel! She ends the meeting in triumph, ordering everyone, "Let's all raise a glass to me." She couldn't be more happy that she's used the sorority for its proper purpose. "To be a part of a sisterhood and make lifelong friends," guesses #6. Of course not: "For making me popular enough to get a hot rich husband!" She's about to be super-rich...unless, as her sisters point out, the ghost murders her first, or follows her home and murders her there, or kills her this very night since it's the sorority's last night and it seems "highly likely" that she'll be targeted.

Nope, not even that doomsaying can stop Chanel raising a toast in her own honour, and no one should expect that it would.

Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark

Alert Type: Ghost Stories Alert.

Issue: Since she is the only one who appreciates the value of Chanel's beautiful wardrobe, she's making everyone wrap each individual item in bubble wrap -- and, because she's only human, she also uses a piece to pop and pretend she's shooting each of the Chanels, because she's not allowed to carry a real gun. The sound causes #3 to have a panic attack and announce that she saw Boone...'s ghost.

Complicating Factors: While Chanel and #5 don't accept the idea that Boone is a ghost, Denise decides to use everyone's fear as a springboard to explain to all of them what she does when she gets really scared of, say, ISIS breaking into her house: she tells herself ghost stories, so that her fear of the real (or, in this case, real-ish) thing gets replaced by her fear of the story. Even though no one other than #6 seems that interested, Denise launches into the Japanese ghost story of The Kappa, a creature that lives in the sewers and waits for you to sit on the toilet so it can "reach up and grab you, snatch you by the vagina, and drown your crushed body in raw sewage." When that doesn't take anyone's mind off the serial killer stalking them or the ghost wandering campus, she tells another Japanese ghost story: The Red Cloak. It's about a ghost who lurks in women's bathrooms, leaving them rolls of red or blue toilet paper. Choosing the red means he slashes your throat so your blood makes you look like you're wearing a red cloak. If you choose blue, you get strangled, so you look like you're wearing a blue one.

Resolution: Reactions are mixed.

Spoiler: There is another one of these to come, but since Denise isn't the one to tell it, it automatically sucks.

Friends 'Til The End, And Beyond

Chad is earning my lifelong admiration and awe by vacuum-sealing each item of clothing in his wardrobe in its own little plastic envelope when Boone rolls up. Chad's first response is to apologize for having boned ladies in Boone's bed while he was gone -- "I didn't mean any disrespect; just wanted that feeling of vacation sex, you know?" -- but Boone's cool with it, and a manly hug ensues. Chad, being very wise about the ways of the world, notes how warm Boone is for a ghost, which Boone explains: "Everything you think you know about ghosts is a lie, Chad. Ghosts walk among you every day and you never know it. Only us ghosts know who's a ghost and who isn't." After Chad's caught him up on everything he missed during his absence (leave the recapping to the professionals, Chad), he asks what brings Boone back, and Boone says it's the usual: finishing unfinished business. He wants to borrow Chad's date shirt to wear when he takes Zayday out on an expensive date to impress her. Chad wonders if death has caused Boone to forget that he's "super-gay," but Boone's got an answer for that too: "I don't want to be dead anymore, bro! If I can get Zayday to love me and have sex with me, I can stay on Earth!...Haven't you ever heard the phrase 'Once you go black, you never go back'?...That's how it started." Chad's concerned that Boone's great plan's going to be ruined by the fact that Zayday's dating Earl Grey, but Boone's not worried: "I'll talk to him, straighten him right out." Bros reunited! I'm not saying this is a bad episode by any means -- the absence of both Wes and Pete puts it at least in the top 3 of the season to date -- but I needed more of Boone and Chad. No one would have minded if these two had ended up spooning again OR MAYBE MORE.

Denise Hemphill Chooses No Man's Cursed Toilet Paper

No sooner has Denise told the eerie tale of The Red Cloak than she finds herself in a bathroom stall, confronted by two rolls of toilet paper. Of course, the Red Devil peeks over the top of the divider, and of course he then tries to kill her. Denise isn't having it: she pulls her stun gun from a cunningly hidden compartment in her (or #5's) tweed pencil skirt and tries to use it on him, but he overpowers her and she ends up shooting it impotently toward the ceiling. The Red Devil then tries to drown her in the toilet, but when she screams, "I just got my hair done!" we can all be pretty sure Denise doesn't end up going down like this -- and sure enough, she gets the jump on the Red Devil and escapes, because unlike all the Chanels, she is no dumb ho.

Denise Might Be A Bit Of A Dumb Ho

Because after escaping the bathroom and fleeing back to Chanel's room, instead of following #5's recommendation and leaving the house along with the rest of the girls, she secures the door with her handcuffs and demands another scary story to help her forget her most recent attack.

#6 volunteers, as befits her macabre sensibility...and she then proceeds to tell literally the first ghost story every person in North America learns at age, like, eight: the girl driving alone, the escaped meat hook killer, the trucker driving too close behind her who turns out to have been flashing his lights to warn her that there was someone hiding in her back seat about to kill her.

Somehow, the OLDEST AND MOST BASIC GHOST STORY succeeds in scaring Denise, who announces that they're all free to leave, and a debate ensues over whether the killer is still there waiting (because duh) or if he's already left (because he's crazier and smarter than they are). #5 holds fast to her belief that they need to leave the area and stop making themselves so available to their would-be murderer, and when she announces that she's departing immediately, Chanel...decides to hang out and see if she survives to the door. Good call: she is obviously the most expendable Chanel (and the worst actor, I don't care how many Oscar nominations Abigail Breslin got when she was a kid and therefore basically a performing animal; Air Bud isn't doing it for me in this show at all).

Spilling The Tea

Who's on a date? Zayday and Earl Grey, sort of; they're hanging out in her bedroom chatting about flights between Oakland and London.

Where has he taken her? He hasn't taken her anywhere yet: as he notes, they haven't even kissed yet. Then they start kissing.

Are things headed in a horizontal direction? They literally do head in a horizontal direction, which Earl Grey puts on pause: he wants everything for their first time to be "perfect," which means he has to go back to his room and get his gear: "My lotions, my silk robe, my sensual massage oils, a bottle of champagne, and chocolate-covered strawberries." I feel like any one of us would have been out after "my silk robe," but Zayday's all about it, and off he goes, promising to be back in ten minutes.

Zayday vs. Boone

As soon as Earl Grey has left Zayday hears a weird noise and glances over at the window, which is when she notices the top of a ladder outside her window, and Boone at the top of it. Without as much surprise as one might expect, Zayday comments that she thought Boone was dead, at which he tries to sell her on the idea that he's a ghost. She then compliments the famous Chad Radwell date shirt.

Boone tells Zayday that when he was alive, he was a pretty amazing person, which meant that when he got to heaven he was offered whatever he wanted; he asked to come back to Earth and make love to Zayday. She replies that there's just one problem: she doesn't believe in ghosts, so if he's here, it must mean he faked his own death.

Just as their banter is getting kind of fun, Grace enters to ruin everything. She is shocked to see Boone, and Zayday disgustedly drawls, "Boone is in here trying to seduce me with the oldest line in the book: he says he's a ghost." Zayday also IDs him as a Red Devil from the mark she left on his hand when she stabbed him with a fork in his "evil lair." A struggle ensues, and he ends up falling out the window.

Winner: It seems like Zayday...?

But it's actually hard to say!

#5 Lives

#5 is driving away from campus when she...basically lives out #6's boring ghost story from before.

Except the Red Devil in her back seat murders the trucker, and #5 escapes and turns back around toward Wallace. In other words: no one murders #5. COME ON.

Chad Radwell's Reasons For Not Having Invited #6 Home With Him For Thanksgiving

It might be hard to explain this to someone who's (a) not a Psychology major and (b) clearly doesn't get the fact that he's obviously been ignoring her, but here goes.

1. Last time we porked, I heard a tiny little squeal, like somebody letting air out of a balloon, followed by the smell of death. I feel like you farted.
2. You wear a huge flippin' neck brace. That means you got bum genes. Those bum genes would pollute the Radwell gene pool.
3. Your breath -- it always smells like you just ate a cheeseburger. Seriously, it's like making out with the Hamburglar.
4. You, my friend, have a poo belly. Might have something to do with all the cheeseburgers.
5. You're not rich! And Chanel is loaded. So huh-doy, Neck Brace: that's who I'm bringing home to meet my parents!

Zayday can't believe Earl Grey is dead!

#5 can't believe no one's comforting her after her ordeal or even giving her props for the amazing scary story that resulted! Chanel, rightly, complains that what she told them is just a crappier remake of #6's story: "Honestly, if you're going to get attacked, please attempt to get attacked in a fresh, exciting way?"

Grace notes that, now that they know Boone is definitely one of the Red Devils, it's probably likely that he was one of the bathtub babies too! I think we all got there last week if not before, but great job, Grace!

#3 is freaked out and wants another scary story so she can take her mind off things the Denise Hemphill way! Luckily for her, #6 has got one! "It's about a girl who never fit in. As much as she tried to be popular, the mean girls were always trying to tear her down. They could never see past her neck brace. She soon realized the only way to get back at these girls would be to screw Chanel's boyfriend Chad Radwell and wreak ultimate vengeance!...That's right, Chanel: her name is me! And guess what, bitch? I'M PREGNANT!...Looks like I'll be going to Thanksgiving with the Radwells! Guess who's top bitch on campus now, Chanel?" Still Denise. Nice try, though, #6!

Chanel vs. Chad

Naturally, Chanel goes straight from #6's announcement to Chad's room to confront/inform him about #6's pregnancy. Chad is shocked by this announcement -- "I mean, most of the time we porked in a way that could not result in pregnancy" -- but he also knew he had "a sackful of strong swimmers." Oh, Chad. The very strongest. Anyway, he's as pissed off as Chanel is; it wasn't even that much fun banging #6, but now he's going to have to marry her. Chanel is aghast, but Chad tells her that's what Radwells do: "We make our beds and we lie in 'em. We lie in 'em with our creepy neck brace scoliosis wives." But hey, Chanel can still be his piece on the side! At this, Chanel decides she's had enough and won't be treated this way: this is the last straw, and he's going to pay: "You might even just pay the ultimate price." "Did you just threaten to kill me?" sputters Chad. "Chanel, are you the killer?" "I guess we'll see," she says. No emphatic hair toss was ever more perfectly timed.

Winner: Draw.

No One's Boone Companion

Who called the meeting? Zayday and Grace, I guess, in that they were the ones who called the cops.

What's it about? Boone, murderer of Earl Grey and either murderer or co-murderer of a shitload of others.

How'd it go? Poorly, because Detective Chisholm has no idea what he's doing. He's long suspected that the murderer or murderers have evaded capture for this long because they are, in fact, ghosts, and he thinks Boone's reappearance just confirms his theory. In fact, he's brought in a paranormal "expert" to check the house for ghostly activity. Even Dean Munsch can't with this shit anymore, and when Zayday furiously turns on her for her mishandling of the murder spree and storms out of the room (trailed by Grace, for one just a supporting stormer), Chisholm assures Munsch that she's handled everything perfectly, but Munsch knows Zayday's right: "You know, the only benefit of meeting you is that I now know I clearly have a type, and that type is a moron. I am not only going to make sure that you are taken off this case and fired; I'm going to make sure that everyone you know knows that when we had sex, you asked me, in baby talk, if you could nurse from me. Please show yourself out." Not a great meeting for poor old Chisholm.

Boone Goes The Dynamite

Who called the meeting? Boone.

What's it about? The ongoing murder spree everyone's talking about.

How'd it go? Not well for Boone. I guess Ryan Murphy et al can't trust the audience to draw any conclusions because after the earlier scene in which Grace surmised that Boone was one of the tub babies, we just got another one from Munsch confirming that twins, a boy and a girl, were born in the tub (and that while she never saw them again after the one sister with any humanity took them away, she does think one was Boone), and now here we are in a fancy hotel suite with Boone talking to his silent accomplice, the latter of whom is still dressed as the Red Devil and therefore, I guess, in character. They're waiting for Gigi who, when she arrives, starts in on Boone for the many ways he's deviated from a plan twenty years in the making, including wandering around in broad daylight dressed as a multiple Oscar nominee. "That disguise was brilliant," he shoots back, "which is more than I can say for you, Justice Scalia." If nothing else, we can probably thank this show for teaching Nick Jonas who that is. When Gigi responds by calling him the weakest link, he exposits the steps he had to take to pull off his fake death: "I'm the one who spent four years of my life learning how to slow my breathing and heart rate to the point where even a trained coroner would declare me dead. I studied film makeup for eight months straight and practised on the patients so I could create the perfect slash mark on my throat. I pretended to be gay and went undercover in the Dickie Dollar Scholars and I was the one who masterfully pretended to attack you with a chainsaw just to get the scent off you." As Boone is ranting on, the Red Devil picks up the knife Boone had bought to kill Gigi with and started creeping up behind Boone. Gigi gets increasingly alarmed the closer the Red Devil gets, and when Boone crescendoes to "We're done taking orders from you," the Red Devil readies the blade and...

"Well," says Gigi matter-of-factly. "Your commitment to revenge is clearly greater than your brother's was. Should we get some room service?" I'm not sure which of the female characters we've met so far is tall enough to be believable under the mask, but (a) I guess "believable" doesn't really have much to do with anything; (b) just because the baby was born a girl doesn't mean that person is still living as a woman in adulthood; and (c) while I hate to call Denise Hemphill wrong about anything, I don't think Boone was trying to have sex with his own sister (biracial twins can be born with very different skin tones!), which means Zayday isn't his accomplice.

What's On The Menu In Chanel's Closet?

How very kind of Chanel to send #6 off to Thanksgiving with the Radwells by letting her shop Chanel's closet (although finding anything that'll go with the back brace she's started wearing again might be a challenge)...and putting out such a lovely spread of refreshments!

Sushi: Chanel, I see where you're going, but you should have done a quick Google on this one.

Soft, Unpasteurized Cheese: Better.

Champagne With Triple The Alcohol And A Nicotiney Mouthfeel: Jesus, #6, use your head.

Obviously, this is all a pretty transparent scheme to entrap #6 into proving she isn't actually pregnant -- which, of course, she is not. But it doesn't matter: Chad's already bought their tickets and she'll have a whole weekend to spend getting pregnant for real. She starts to flounce out, but Chanel is close behind her, giving chase and screeching. When they arrive at the stairs, Chanel abruptly calms down and apologizes: "I'm sorry I got angry that Chad's clearly chosen you over me. It's just that ever since you walked through those doors, I knew you were going to be the one to take it all away from me." #6 comes back up the stairs to gasp, "Really?," because she's an idiot, whereupon OF COURSE Chanel grits, "No."

#6 lands with a very loud crack. Is her neck broken? That would be the likeliest outcome in real life. Is this real life? Of course it isn't, so officially, I'm not calling #6 dead off this tiny amount of evidence. However, #5 is pretty certain #6 is dead and starts freaking out, but Chanel -- not the killer, but possibly now a killer -- keeps calm and carries on: "I realize that my killing Neck Brace might seem like a bridge too far, but trust me when I say this had to happen. And I'm confident that I'll be able to redeem myself morally in everyone's eyes. And furthermore, what I just did will become a new ghost story -- a cautionary tale about what happens to hog-faced bitches who try to steal hotter Kappas' boyfriends. A story that'll be told around the campfire by Kappa pledges for centuries to come."