Battle Of The Scientifically Enhanced Poo Pitchers

This weekend, we all got a very exciting reminder that we truly are living in the Golden Age of Television. No, not because of the penultimate episode of Mad Men; it's because, on back-to-back nights, two cable series brought us characters hurling their own excrement through the air: on Saturday, it was Helena on Orphan Black, followed by Kiko the monkey on Silicon Valley Sunday night.

When we place our two coprophiles side by side, which comes out ahead? Let's crunch the numbers and try not to be shitty about it.

Which has the better reason for flinging his or her poo?

Kiko, a double amputee monkey, is moved to fling his poo during a demonstration of the new prosthetic arm that Dr. Davis Bannercheck and his hooli xyz team have equipped him with -- and let's be honest with ourselves: "because he's a monkey" is not the worst reason for him to do so. But Helena tosses her waste (not just floating turds but probably a fair amount of urine as well) at her guards at the off-books military facility in Fakeistan where she's being held during her pregnancy in order to trick them into sedating her and taking her to the infirmary. This is just the sort of thing all these fools are going to regret having fallen for in the seconds before she kills them one by one.

Winner: Helena, Orphan Black.

Which throws his or her poo with more style?

As a human woman whose instinct is to collect all her bodily waste in one spot, Helena's poo bucket is a convenient tool for hurling dung through the bars of her cell...

...but the limitations of the space where she's being held mean both that she can't be that precise with her throw, and that a lot of it probably ends up on her side of the door.

By contrast, consider Kiko.

There's a suspenseful buildup during which everyone knows and can't stop what's about to happen...

...and then the climactic collision of poo and glass. That's what you call expert comic timing. "Lower primate" indeed!

Winner: Kiko, Silicon Valley.

Which better employs his or her scientific enhancement for poo-tossing purposes?

Arguably, Helena's ability to manipulate her captors is more due to training and experience than anything her clone background equipped her with -- though we won't know for sure until, say, Cosima finds herself in the same situation and scrambles her way out with some timely waste projectiles. But as a monkey who'd lost both his arms, Kiko could not enjoy his poo-based triumph if not for his prosthetic limb. Thanks, science!

Winner: Kiko.

Which suffers the less dire consequences for non-standard poo disposal?

In the short term, Helena gets exactly what she wants: she ends up in the infirmary and manages to get out to case the joint (and find one of her clone brothers, eventually ending his suffering as a test subject). Over at hooli, Dr. Bannercheck ends up resigning from the project over his ongoing resentment of Big Head, which may or may not lead to Kiko's being outfitted with a second arm, but in either case has very little to do with his insouciant poo use.

Winner: Helena.

Which is more likely to continue throwing poo in the foreseeable future?

When you're a prisoner trying to convince the people holding you that you're cracking up, faking a breakdown and chucking your turds around is kind of a move that's one and done -- though, knowing Helena, there's no guarantee that she won't do it again just for fun. As for Kiko: see above. Even if hooli does end up taking his one good arm away, I wouldn't put it past him not to figure out a way to throw his poo with his feet.

Winner: Kiko.

Verdict

Two primates have taken to the airwaves this week and said to us, essentially, This Is How We Poo It (with apologies to the great Montell Jordan) (but I can't be the first person alive to make that joke, including Jordan himself). But one comes out just a smear ahead of his rival.

Winner: Kiko.