As The Teenage Newlyweds Try To Have Social Lives, We Rank The Episode's Most Depressing Moments

This week's episode of Teenage Newlyweds revolves around the kids socializing with friends -- or, in Halie's case, moping around near her spouse's friends while she silently screams her desire to go back to Mesa and get a hug from her mom. Between Halie's heartbreak and Brenda's bullshit birthday party, the episode does not lack for bummers. Meanwhile, Emma and Joey seem like...things are going pretty okay for them? Weirdly? At least when he's awake?

Let's count down the episode's depressing moments, from "actually sweet and touching" to "horribly miserable."

1. Emma And Joey Catch Each Other Looking

   At the end of a very staged conversation about keeping up their friendships now that they're married -- don't be that whiny, needy scold, Emma's friend Marrissa! -- Emma and Joey set a plan to knock out all their obligations by scheduling a girls' night and a boys' night on the same night. Very efficient! The deal struck, this happens next.

   

   It's one of those moments that reminds you that Joey and Emma have actually known and liked each other for years, and have dumb little inside jokes -- just like a real couple! I still think he's mostly a fuckup, but the ability to goof around together like this gives me hope for their future.

2. Travis's Song

   As you will recall from last week's episode, it's Brenda's birthday weekend, so the couple's having a party at their apartment. After putting back $5 worth of groceries (which maybe they wouldn't have to do if they weren't buying Häagen-Dazs), they welcome their friends to the celebration, and the presents come out. And what did Travis get Brenda for her first birthday as his wife, other than a (third) pair of skate shoes for himself? He wrote her a song. Which he makes everyone listen to while he accompanies his off-key singing on an electric guitar plugged into nothing. Also, he's been playing Brenda bits of the song since he proposed, and while he wrote some more for her birthday, it still isn't finished.

   

   But it seems to make Brenda happy, so while I would find everything about this excruciating, at least Travis knows his audience and I can't be too mad about it.

3. Joey's Boss's Only Rule

   On his boys' night (barf), Joey describes how hard it is to see Emma when the two of them work opposite shifts. One of his little buddies asks the obvious question: does Emma ever come visit Joey during the day when he's at work? Joey repeats the first rule his boss Andrew -- who is present -- ever gave Joey:

   

   Joey has interpreted this to mean that he can do whatever he wants as long as he cleans up after himself. Which means Emma's getting the good lovin' on those pallets at the feed store!

4. Halie's Inability To Be Happy With People

   After initially nixing George's impulsive gift of a trip to Hawaii in last week's episode, in this week's she relents and tells him she thinks they should go after all, since the two of them should be making memories together too. And it does look like they have fun together on their trip, though it also looks like they've decided only to visit the crappiest, scrubbiest beaches on Oahu or Maui or wherever it is they went. (It isn't specified, which I, as a resident of the state, find annoying.) But when they return, Halie slides back into the same mopiness that caused George to surprise her with the trip in the first place: she tells us it's hard to make friends at work, because all her colleagues -- while friendly -- are much older than she. And when George takes her to a weekend at a vacation home, she serves nothing but sadness.

   

   Both Halie and George chalk up her lack of sociability with his friends to the age difference, but she's eighteen and they're twenty-one, so: it's not like they're in different generations -- or even that they're drinking and she, for legal reasons, is not, since presumably all of them are Mormons so none of them drinks. Also, based on the high jinks George and his friends get up to at the chalet, they all seem like they're a pretty young twenty-one, but then again, Halie seems like she is a VERY young eighteen. And in fairness to George, his friends appear to be outgoing and fun -- even to me which is saying something -- so George, who spends the most time with her, should be concerned about how despondent she seems all the time.

5. Halie's Inability To Be Happy Alone

   After Halie's bad weekend at the chalet, George brings her home...and then leaves her alone all day while he goes to watch football with his dad. In his absence, Halie finds all-new places to be depressed -- sad alone in bed, sad on a walk by herself, sad on a swing set.

   

   In case that makes it seem like I think Halie's depression is performative: I absolutely do not. Halie seems like she's desperately lonely for her parents -- and, by the way, her mom isn't helping by asking Halie questions like whether she regrets moving. Nothing about her mother made it seem like she was rooting against Halie's marriage, so why she'd try to plant MORE doubt in Halie when she's already experiencing plenty is actually kind of mean.

   

   Basically, any time you see Halie in this ugly house sweater, you may be certain she is barely holding back tears. Halie needs help, and George is not even kind of able to give it to her.

6. "Brenda's" "Birthday" Cake

   Back to Brenda's party. Apparently Travis didn't use any of the money he saved on her gift to buy a BIRTHDAY CAKE for THE GUESTS at his wife's BIRTHDAY PARTY, because what they end up serving is leftovers with a couple of sad-ass candles in it.

   

   I bet he could have bought a really beautiful cake if he hadn't spent $65 ON SHOES. And I hope every dude who was with him when he did told his girlfriend all about it on the drive home, right before they stopped at a 7-11 for Hostess Cupcakes to supplement the cake sliver they got served by STUPID TRAVIS.