Teenage Newlyweds Shows Us The Wrong Way To Go Get Your Wife A Home Pregnancy Test

"Baby Talk," this week's episode of Teenage Newlyweds, was a tough one for a would-be Brenda partisan like me. And it's not like she's made it that easy even up to this point to be on her side. Yes, of course, we have progressive feminist politics in common, and I celebrate her pride and respect for her tough single mother and the sacrifices she made even to allow Brenda to dream of going to grad school and becoming a social worker. But then there's the fact that Brenda, for all her self-proclaimed principles, still knowingly married a very conservative man with whom, if editing is to be believed, she's been arguing about reproductive choice since before the wedding. Yes, of course, I know about James Carville and Mary Matalin, but I still think when a couple come at political questions from diametrically opposite positions, they're inviting a lot of unnecessary and unresolvable fights. If, on top of that, the couple has very little life experience but a tremendous amount of confidence and conviction...I mean, have you ever had a conversation, as an adult, with a kid on break from his freshman year at college? Torture. OH GOD, DON'T BRING UP TORTURE, YOU'LL HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT IT FROM THIS BOOB FOR ANOTHER HALF-HOUR.

Anyway: if my other option is Travis, I'm definitely Team Brenda, which is why it's such a drag when she announces that she hasn't gotten her period because she skipped a birth control pill. No big deal; it happens, and you just double up the next day. Except Brenda says she realized her error two days late. Not great, Brenda!

Worse, Brenda then tells the tale to her sister Miriam, with maximum melodrama and self-pity. "He once told me that he would leave me if I got an abortion," says Brenda. "He said, 'Oh, I would have you have the child, then I would take the child and leave you,' is, like, word for word what he said." Well, that sounds crazy -- and, furthermore, like the kind of remark one can only make when you're discussing a hypothetical pregnancy -- but still, if Brenda knew this and married Travis anyway, it's kind of like she tacitly agreed to his terms. But there's more: "I've tried so hard, I've put so much effort, and then for this all [to] fall apart over getting knocked up -- it's just, it's not fair." No, it's not smart, Brenda. To forget your pill. You can't talk about it like something that happened to you, if it even did; it's not like you tried to take your pill on time and correctly and someone knocked it out of your hand. "Fair" has nothing to do with it!

But never mind: Travis comes home, and finally, we get to see the scene that's been teased since the series premiere and four other times in this episode: Brenda simpering that she has to tell Travis her period is late. To his credit, Travis stays calm. When Brenda says her period's two or three days later than expected, he correctly points out that it's not that late. She says she should take a pregnancy test just to rule out the possibility of an accidental pregnancy, and he offers to go get her one. He gives her a kiss and reassures her that everything's going to be okay. And then: off he goes!

Maybe Travis is trying to be aware of his carbon footprint. Maybe he saw some new moves on YouTube and figures he can try them out and knock out the trip to CVS and back while he's at it. Maybe he thinks showing off his skillz on this show is the first step on a path that ends with him getting sponsored by Vans. But NO, TRAVIS. Your WIFE is MAYBE PREGNANT. She'd probably KIND OF LIKE TO KNOW THE ANSWER for the lateness of her period AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. If you're going to offer to get her the pregnancy test, GET YOUR ASS IN YOUR CAR and GET IT DONE.

And Brenda? If you are pregnant -- which you almost certainly aren't -- you should go ahead and dare Travis to "have you have the child." If he actually does? You have my permission to beat him to death WITH HIS SKATEBOARD.