Vanilla Ice Faces MC Hammer In The Battle Of The Wuss Rappers Turned Product Pitchmen

Which became a pitchman first?

They've both been doing it for a while, so please note that while this list is illustrative, we do not claim it is exhaustive.

Let's start with Ice. If you remember seeing him in a TV ad of late, it was probably this one, for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-shaped Kraft Mac & Cheese.

But if you don't live in the U.S., you might have seen him in 2009, shilling beer in South Africa.

Or, that same year, promoting Virgin Mobile in Australia.

MC Hammer has been busy too. This year brings us a series of spots for Command.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPUbr4LGfmQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7dizUqB-dc

And one for Starburst.

Hammer also did this Lay's spot back in 2005.

But his very first ad ever is from when he was actually still an active recording artist.

Depending on where you look, that Taco Bell spot premiered in either 1990 or 1991. Either way: a long-ass time ago.

Winner: MC Hammer.

Which has promoted the more appealing products?

Let's evaluate them as though they were collected in Price Is Right-style Showcases. Hammer's is more appealing to the snacky individual: when you're in the mood for crappy Mexican food and unwilling to pay more than $4, you're really not going to beat Taco Bell. But while I enjoy both fruit candy and potato chips, Starburst are going to give you a jaw ache unless you confine yourself to eating a reasonable amount (which you won't -- it's not possible), and while there's not really any such thing as a bad potato chip, Lay's is not in the 98th percentile of what you'd probably reach for first.

And that is why, though I don't care at all about beer and am perfectly happy with my mobile service, I have to give this one to Vanilla Ice, because I fucking love Kraft Macaroni & Cheese -- or, as I will never stop calling it, Kraft Dinner. I probably should be embarrassed to admit that I eat it about once a week, but I'm not. Furthermore, the varieties -- like the Ice-promoted TMNT edition -- involving novelty macaroni shapes are superior: they have lots of little crannies that hold more sauce. (I'm forty-one, btw.)

Winner: Vanilla Ice.

Which evinces more willingness to lean into his '90s image?

Both Hammer and Ice show an appealing lack of vanity about getting back into the dumb costumes they used to wear. But Ice only actually does it in the South African beer ad (though he does bring back his old dance moves in the Kraft Mac & Cheese spot). Hammer, on the other hand, gets back into the wide pants for Starburst and Command -- and in a series of Ask Hammer web videos. He's probably wearing those pants right now. (Come to think of it, why am I NOT wearing them? They look comfy as hell.)

Winner: Hammer.

Which seems to get closer to hooking up with one of his co-stars?

Hammer is respectful and chaste as he delivers his recommendations to a female homeowner in "Hammer's Toolbox," and disappears in a puff of smoke before anything could go any further -- not that it seems like it would have anyway; she's moving into a new place and Hammer is not on her to-do list.

But this mom in the Mac & Cheese ad MIGHT be DTF.

Winner: Ice.

Which is the average viewer more happy to see in an ad?

In his post-music career, Ice has done well for himself flipping houses; when he pops up in an ad sending up his old life, there's a certain pleasure in seeing that he has a sense of humour about himself.

But Hammer...has had some money problems. (I don't know why that's a Richie Rich thumbnail, but the below is Hammer's Behind The Music.)

So when we see him earning a paycheque, it's a bit of a relief!

Winner: Hammer.

Verdict

We wish nothing but the best to both Ice and Hammer for making peace with their somewhat ridiculous early lives and bringing joy to their old fans by starring in ads that trade on nostalgia for the early '90s. But there is one gentleman who comes out ahead...perhaps in part because air has filled his pants and propelled him forward.

Winner: Hammer.