Elizabeth's New Persona: Keyboard Kitten

You're Not The Boss Of Me Now And You're Not So Big

Situation: Paige...continues to know what Philip and Elizabeth really do for a living.

What makes it awkward? Everything? It's a gigantic secret, and their need for her to keep it has kind of unbalanced their relationship, now that she's got something on them. And (naturally) all she's been doing is thinking about it, so she has a million questions and has to try to ask them in the small windows when Henry's not around -- questions like, did they take that "spontaneous" vacation in Season 1 because Philip and Elizabeth were working an op? Is everyone at the travel agency also a spy? Why don't they have accents? What are their real names? Is Stan really their friend?

How is order restored? It's not. When Elizabeth tries to avoid another lightning round of questions by finding Paige sitting quietly alone in the car (escaping more of Henry's re-enactments of Eddie Murphy sketches, hee) and tries to tell her a personal story about what her childhood in the Soviet Union was like, Paige listens...but then just asks how she's supposed to believe anything Philip or Elizabeth tells her now. She also asks Elizabeth not to call her "honey," which obviously wounds her terribly. Come on, Paige, be a buddy.

"So Then The Can Was Open, And The Worms Were Everywhere"

Who called the meeting? Philip and Elizabeth.

What's it about? Their having told Paige they're spies.

How'd it go? Okay? Gabriel is very solicitous of their feelings, and while Elizabeth still seems touched by his kindness, it's clear that Philip regards it as nothing but manipulation at this point. They ask whether this will keep The Centre off their backs in terms of recruiting Paige, and Gabriel says, "I'll take care of that." Well, that could mean a lot of things, so we'll see. He also tells them they did the right thing, and Philip's like, "I HOPE SO." Gabriel starts to say that Paige is their daughter and therefore won't dime them out, but Philip's not interested in Gabriel's reassurances. Look, dude, Gabriel's not the one who told you to become a spy! Or is he? I guess he very well could be.

The Sort-Of-Americans

After breaking the seal with Baklanov in the last episode by letting him know she speaks English and formerly lived in the U.S., Nina seems to have made considerable strides in getting him to trust her: he bitches to her in Russian about how hard it is for him to do the work the Soviets want him to without photos, and then switches to English to tell her, "I thought you were just the next one. Inducement." He explains that "they" have sent him women and better meals to try to get him to play ball; when she asks whether he banged them (the women, not the meals), he admits, "Some of them. Most of them. Then I stopped." She asks why, and he mumbles that he didn't like waking up next to strangers his captors had chosen for him. "I understand," says Nina, fixing her piercing gaze on him. "Do you?" he says, less bitterly adding, "Maybe you do. You have children?" She says she doesn't. "I have a son," he says. "He doesn't know if I'm alive or dead. That's the one thing I can't take." But surely talking about these things with a trusted friend who has no ulterior motive helps, right? Actually, he probably assumes Nina has an ulterior motive but is like, at this point, who cares.

Deal Or No Deal

"Michelle" thinks she's just going to Lisa's to pick her up and take her to the movies, but when Lisa lets her into the living room, Maurice -- never Michelle's #1 fan even before she helped Lisa move away from him -- is waiting on the couch to ambush her. See, Maurice's worker's comp still hasn't come through. Immediately, "Michelle" offers to loan them some money, but he's not interested in a loan: "We want a piece of whatever you got going with your friend, this consultant." Not only that, but he wants double whatever "Michelle" is getting paid. She demurs, but he says that since there's more risk to Lisa, she should get more money. Elizabeth pretends she thinks it's a bad idea, whereupon Lisa quietly says they're going to lose the house. "Anything you need, you know that," says "Michelle" warmly. Lisa, relieved, takes off to make them all coffee, and when she's gone, Maurice stares down "Michelle" and demands a meeting with "Jack" -- "But his name isn't important, is it. You're the real head of this operation, aren't you." LOOK, DUDE, YOU CAN EITHER STOP BEING SHITTY ABOUT THIS OR YOU CAN WAIT FOR WORKER'S COMP. Seriously though, Maurice clearly thinks he's fucked up "Michelle"'s whole deal, but little does he know they are, at worst, frenemies.

Hans Is Still In The Mix?

Elizabeth tells Philip to take Hans to help him surveil Martha...and he does?! Beat it, Hans, you're a loose cannon!

"You're Almost As Good At This As My Real Wife! I Mean, My Other Wife! I Mean, My First Wife! I MEAN MY SISTER!"

"Clark" comes over to Martha's and she's all in a state, because Taffet's told her he wants to talk to her again soon -- and for long enough that he mentioned having Gaad line up a temp to replace her from the secretarial pool. While he and Martha both dance around the question of whom or what "Clark" actually works for since it's clearly not the OPR, "Clark" assures her that despite what everyone in the office has told her about how super-smart Taffet is, Taffet actually can't really tell if she lies to him -- it's just his job to make her think that he can. Martha's not convinced, so "Clark" sits her down for some lying lessons: he tells her to stare at the tip of his nose: to the nose's owner, it looks like she's gazing steadily into his eyes, and thus won't make her seem nervous or twitchy or...you know, like she's lying. She does, repeating the denial line he feeds her, and he tells her, "That was awfully good, Martha." It's obviously very possible that he's just trying to buck her up so she sells it, but to me this scene made me think that Martha's facility with the skills he was teaching made Philip respect her for real -- as a person and not just as a mark. And not for nothing but being paranoid has actually given Martha's face an appealing youthfulness I've never seen on her before.

I hate to say "keep it up" since she's probably also got an ulcer for the same reason? Maybe just keep wearing your hair like that and sitting in low light.

Steak And (Open) Legs

You want to cultivate a mark? You let him try to impress you by buying you a hunk of beef. That's science.

Who's on a date? Elizabeth and Neal, the manager of the hotel to which the CIA's about to deliver the mujahideen.

Where has he taken her? I won't say he made the most effort I've ever seen? They're having room service in her room at the hotel where he works, so I assume he didn't even pay for her steak. But she doesn't seem to mind.

Are things headed in a horizontal direction? UH, KINDA.

As She Lay Dying

Who's causing a family crisis? Eliabeth's mother -- which is impressive; she's doing it long-distance!

How? She's dying -- and quickly, apparently; Gabriel's already handed off her latest tape to Elizabeth and warned her that he's heard there probably won't be many more.

Which relatives have a problem with it? Well, Elizabeth's not crazy about the situation, obviously, but this is the life that she chose (or that her mother chose for her, really), so she's accepted that she's not going to be able to see her mother again before she dies.

Who's an unlikely ally? The new Super-Stroppy Philip, who basically orders Gabriel (behind Elizabeth's back) to figure out how to get Elizabeth back to the Soviet Union to see her mother before she passes away. When Gabriel tells him it's not possible, Philip throws a hissy and tells Gabriel he's sick of hearing no and wants a yes on something soon.

Spoiler: He might have done better to use his "Freak Out On Gabriel Free" card on something else.

"There's No...Mister Vaguely Off-Putting Pink Collar Lifer?"

Who called the meeting? Taffet.

What's it about? The bug from Gaad's office...

How'd it go? ...kind of. Because it kind of seems like Taffet would rather talk about Martha's relationship history. She's never been married? No long-term relationships? No one to go home to? No beaux, swains, gentleman callers, gigolos, slampieces? "Never met the right guy," says Martha tightly. He knows it's uncomfortable to talk about her personal life, but he needs to know if she's ever been in any relationship that might have compromised her in any way. Other than the one she's currently in? Definitely not! She mentions having been in a relationship with the late Amador; Taffet's heard about what happened to him, and comments that it must have been difficult. It was awful for everyone, she says. Was there anything she knew about his death at the time that she didn't share with the Bureau? There was not. Well, that's it! Martha's surprised. On to her or hitting on her? TIME WILL TELL!

What's On The Menu At The World's Most Depressing Cafeteria?

Oh, Soviet Russia. You have outDONE yourself with this grim protein-delivery centre.

Something Kiev: Maybe chicken, maybe sparrow!

English Muffins: Baklanov and Nina continue chatting freely in the language of their adopted country.

Gravy From Roast Slippings: Baklanov soulfully tells Nina that being in captivity makes one forget what it was like to have your own life, but he's not going to let that happen to him: he won't let them decide who he is. "Jacob would be proud," says Nina. "You know my son's name?" Baklanov asks, suspicious. "I never told it to you. I never even said his name since I've been here." So, again, these people are all such goddamn liars that I can't tell if that was a FAKE slip to make Baklanov believe she's so overcome with emotion that she forgot her mission, or a real slip she just decided to run with -- whatever it is, Nina says, "Your story's beautiful. And hard. You should keep writing it. I haven't told anyone. I won't." "Why?" he asks. "I don't know," says, looking away. BUT DOES SHE?!

Neal continues trying to impress Elizabeth by bringing her to his office and showing off his -- let me make sure I get the spelling right on this -- "com-poo-tor"? He brags up and down about how great it is that the computer handles all kinds of stuff he used to have to do by hand, like RESERVATIONS! Elizabeth says that her "company" is talking to IBM about computerizing, and Neal graciously steps aside and lets her sit down and start messing around with it, and wouldn't you know it, JUST THEN some guy (Philip, obvs) starts making a stink at the front desk about his lost reservation! Neal takes off to deal with it...

...and Elizabeth looks up the reservation the CIA made, finds the key, and makes an impression of it in her handy spy compact!

Neal returns and tries to start something up again, but even though he's obviously good at sex, after their last assignation she came home feeling all dirty (probably imagining Paige upstairs waiting for her and correctly guessing what Elizabeth was out doing), so she makes an excuse and sashays out! Sorry, Neal, you're going to have to find some other hotel guest who wears garter belts -- good luck!

Oleg and Tatiana, having been handed printouts of all the recordings from the FBI's mail robot, compare notes on how boring each of their sheaves of paper is and finally end up doing dramatic readings of the "beep"s that somehow actually made it into the transcripts and dissolving into punch-drunk giggles! The KGB: Where The "G" Stands For "Goofballs"!

Elizabeth returns from blowing off Neal to blow off her husband!

He looks...not so into it!

The next morning, Elizabeth wakes up and is startled to see Philip staring at her like a creep! He tells her, "I think I found a way for you to see your mother." "We've been through this," she says, after a sigh. But they can't discuss it further because then Paige knocks on the door (for once). She hesitates before coming in, but Elizabeth encourages her, so she does, and asks what they're talking about. "Your grandmother, in Russia," says Philip, clearly still not used to telling her the truth. "She's very sick. And I want your mom to go and see her." "Can you?" Paige asks Elizabeth. "No, I can't," Elizabeth replies. Paige frowns. Everyone is sad. Paige goes to leave, and although Elizabeth tells her she can stay, Paige would rather not, and adds insult to injury by coming back...

...only to close the door behind her. The truth sucks.