Hey Baby, What's Wroooooong?

Turning The Paige

Who's causing a family crisis? Elizabeth.

How? Elizabeth has started the process of turning Paige into a junior spy by taking her to a disadvantaged neighbourhood and telling her about Elizabeth and Philip's past "in the civil rights movement."

Which relatives have a problem with it? Philip, who has only just learned from a pretty sassy Paige -- I mean, "What made you stop believing in change?" is some A+ undermining -- that the plan has been set in motion, and he might have liked a heads-up. (Philip's passive-aggressive, cupboard-slamming shitfit in the bathroom and Elizabeth's exhausted reaction to it -- "Why would you keep an empty bottle of aspirin?!" "Well, you finished it, so next time, throw it out" -- is maybe the most married these two have ever been.)

Who's an unlikely ally? Paige, who has proved Elizabeth right by being ALL ABOUT this exciting new world of working for progressive causes in glamorous ways that might bring you into contact with someone who's going to end up getting killed by the cops.

Spoiler: Philip doesn't really have a choice about coming around on this matter.

No You Afrikaan't

Alert Type: Anti-Apartheid Alert.

Issue: ...Um, Apartheid? But seriously: Gabriel has confirmed that Hans's suspicions about his classmate Todd appear to be correct, and that he is working on behalf of the South African government to infiltrate the anti-Apartheid movement and discredit it with acts of violence, so Hans, Elizabeth, Philip, and Reuben Ncgobo -- an ANC operative who's just arrived in Washington -- are putting together a sting: Ncgobo will set up a meet with Todd in order to try to draw out a Eugene Venter, Todd's (evil) handler.

Complicating Factors: Hans is very untested; even before they put anything in place, Elizabeth is foreshadowingly saying she wishes she'd had a few more months to train him.

Resolution: Ncgobo and Hans get their orders and Philip and Elizabeth post up to monitor the situation.

Spoiler: You can't break Apartheid without roughing up a few proponents of state-sponsored segregation. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ANC If You Can Solve Racism

J. Edgar Hoover's Boy

What's On The Menu At Bamonte's?

Having planted the seed in Lisa's mind about earning a little extra money by talking to this guy "Jack," "Michelle" is moving the plan along by inviting Lisa out to have dinner with the two of them.

Fake With Wild Mushrooms: Even though Philip and Elizabeth are in a fight, "Jack" and "Michelle" have to sell Lisa on the idea that they're crazy in love; the ease with which Philip and Elizabeth slide into their goofy lovestruck personas is impressive, and also comes as a relief given how they've been spitting nails at each other for the rest of the episode.

Grilled Consultant: Joking that he knows Lisa's just trying to make sure he's good enough for Michelle, Jack charmingly tells Lisa his backstory: he was married when he was very young, he has no kids, he's had the same job -- which he loves -- for the past fifteen years, and meeting Michelle is one of the best things to happen to him in a while.

Veal Milanese: Okay, I know Philip is an illegal immigrant living in the U.S. while trying to destroy it from within, so his ethics might not be what yours or mine are...but seriously, veal?!

Time To Make The Treasonous Donuts

Once dinner's over, Philip and Elizabeth return home, the charm offensive dropped in favour of just plain offensive.

Tale Of The Tape Recorder

Situation: There's an investigation going on in Martha's office about that bugged pen she planted in Gaad's office.

What makes it awkward? If it gets traced back to her, she will be in...a fuckload of trouble. And suddenly seeing the effects of what her dear husband Clark has asked her to do is causing her to question their relationship, generally.

How is order restored? Oh, it's really not. When Clark comes over to her place, he can tell something's up with her, and his suspicions aren't quelled when he asks where her purse is and she says she left it at work. NO WOMAN HAS EVER DONE THIS. Martha changes the subject, saying that, for once, she'd like to see his apartment. He's all, "Let's pick a night, we can order takeout and dine by candlelight at my very small table," and try a new position on the futon. (Really putting the "ew" in "futon," Philip.) Martha's like, no, now, so Clark takes her to an apartment that shows all signs that he lives there -- fresh bananas on the kitchen counter; their wedding photo on a dresser -- but she doesn't seem that convinced, and asks whether the two of them are ever going to live together like a normal couple. He tells her, exhaustedly, that he doesn't have a normal job, or a normal life, "but there's nothing so great ABOUT normal." If she's asking whether things between them will get better, though, he says they will -- in fact, he thinks things ARE getting better and better between them: "Don't you?" Instead of answering, Martha tells him not to open the wine in his hands, and when he asks her yet again if she's okay, she insists that she is, but that she must be coming down with something. But she's cold as hell, and when he tries to kiss her, she breaks it off almost immediately, and we KNOW the old Martha couldn't get enough of Clark's D. LOOK OUT, CLARK, THIS IS TROUBLE.

The Saddest Dad

Who's causing a family crisis? Stan.

How? He's still refusing to accept that his marriage is over.

Which relatives have a problem with it? Well...Sandra. When she sheepishly tells Stan she's had a chance to think about going with him to his colleagues' memorial in Chicago, and discussed it with Arthur, the conclusion they reached was that it was a bad idea: "I'm not your wife anymore." "You're still my wife, technically speaking," says Stan in the tiniest voice imaginable. Sandra's like, yeah, about...that. It's HARD TO WATCH.

Who's an unlikely ally? Matthew, who nicely asks Stan about Dave, his closest friend among the agents who were killed in the plane crash, letting Stan talk to him pretty frankly and in a way that they apparently don't, very often: he talks about having been undercover with Dave, and how hard it was pretending to be friends with terrible people, some of whom were murderers. At the end of the conversation, Matthew looks at Stan in a new way, which I guess is good? If Stan had said that this guy he helped arrest had actually made Stan kill people, as Matthew asks, it would be a bit of a different story.

Spoiler: I'm pretty sure there's nothing Sandra can do to make Stan accept she's really serious about ending their marriage.

"Let's Remember Our Common Goals: Death To America! Right?"

Philip gets home from his uncomfortable night with Martha and slides into bed with Elizabeth, who doesn't seem to register that he's there. After a moment, he smooths the hair off her back, and instead of doing what I would -- yell at him for waking me out of a dead sleep (unforgivable) -- she reaches back for his hand and wraps it around herself. He snuggles up to her neck, and after a loooooong moment, she admits, "I should have told you about my talk with Paige." Since the mood seems to be "sharing confidences to remind each other that we actually aren't enemies," Philip gets in the spirit: "I have a son. He's Irina's, from when we were kids. Twenty years old. And he's in Afghanistan. Gabriel told me." It's very dark, but somehow, without moving any other part of her face, Keri Russell manages to make her forehead veins pop straight out...

...but otherwise, she takes this information in with total equanimity, rolling over and asking, "He's in combat." "He's a paratrooper," Philip replies. All the more reason to fuck Kimmy and help end this war, she does not add.

After getting the kids off to school, the newly reconnected Philip and Elizabeth turn their attention to Martha their other wife! "Something's up with Martha," says Philip. "I don't know -- could be the foster kid." "She's still on that," Elizabeth snorts. "What are you going to do?" "I don't know," Philip sighs. "But I don't think I'm really up for another kid." Aw, look at you, joking about your love child who might die any minute! It's sweet.

At the FBI, an imperious Martha is in the elevator when the doors open and Walter Taffet steps in next to her!

Good thing the guy with the sensor isn't there because I'm pretty sure he'd pick up on the charged electromagnetic field!

And then it's time for the big Todd meet! Hans sits in his car, getting ready to hit his horn with two short taps if he sees anything amiss!

While Ncgobo talks to Todd in a diner, Philip and his '70s burnout wig watch from a nearby table!

Elizabeth, in a very Now wig, sits in a van in the lot behind the diner!

While a white-ish sedan rolls by at a suspiciously slow speed...

...another van pulls in behind the diner!

When the sedan rolls by again, Philip pulls his walkie out of his pocket and makes it do a couple of "ccccch"es to alert Elizabeth, who starts the van!

Philip steps out the front of the diner and intercepts this Venter dude (that was him driving the sedan) before he can get inside, basically wrestling him on the sidewalk!

In the back, Elizabeth asks the driver of the delivery van the time and then totally shoots her in the head!

And then after Elizabeth's screamed around the corner, Philip throws Venter at the hood of the van!

Once Venter's incapacitated, Philip throws him into the side door and follows, while Ncgobo hustles Todd into the back and they all take off! ROAD TRIP TO OCEAN CITY, MARYLAND Y'AAAAAAAAAALL! Sorry, Hans, you're not invited!