If You're Going To Get A Mom Guilt Trip, It Should At Least Bring You To Europe

Russian Toward The Iron Curtain

We still don't know under exactly what circumstances it's happened, but Elizabeth is going to see her mother in the Soviet Union after all, and Paige is going with her. I guess this way she'll have one stamp in her passport before she inevitably goes to Kenya with Pastor Groovyhair? Anyway, sounds like Elizabeth's got mixed feelings about this reunion with the lady who essentially sold her into slavery.

Knife Meeting You

Who called the meeting? Yousaf.

What's it about? The CIA's plans regarding working with the mujahideen in a post-hotel slaughter context.

How'd it go? It's weird but after one of the CIA's three hand-picked mujahideen collaborators violently murdered the other two, the CIA's not that crazy about going forward with a plan to work with Afghan tribal leaders against the Soviets? "Annalise finally pays off for you," snits Yousaf. "The weapon stays out of your enemy's hands. Was it worth it?" Philip tries the patriot tack first: "I know a lot of young men who won't be blown out of the sky because of what I did -- what Annalise did. What we did. " Yousaf's like, w/e dude, so Philip sighs and admits, "I feel like shit all the time."

So on the whole, I would call that meeting kind of a bummer?

Philip vs. Gabriel

We join the yelling in medias res, so it's not clear whether Philip showed up at Gabriel's and admitted that Elizabeth and Paige have gone to see Elizabeth's mother, or whether it got back to Gabriel and he summoned Philip there to explain. However it happened: Gabriel is pissed. When Philip sneers that no one blinked at Elizabeth's passport and that they're just waiting for someone to take them into East Germany, Gabriel points out that just because Elizabeth isn't aware that her passport set off alarms anywhere, that doesn't mean it didn't, and adds, "This isn't how we do things, Philip. There's a chain of command." Philip reminds Gabriel that he said he was going to send Elizabeth to see her mother one last time, and he's sure The Centre can understand that -- particularly the part where Paige went to meet her grandmother for the first and last time: "I know they certainly wanted her connected to her roots." "You can blackmail the organization this way," says Gabriel. "You're acting like a child." Philip takes a long blink before trying to calm down and saying he's just getting done what he needs to get done. Gabriel crosses the room to Philip and stands very near as he accuses, "You can't see ten feet in front of you. I've done nothing but try and take care of you, and because you're not getting what you want, you think I'm the enemy. And when Elizabeth doesn't see everything exactly the way you see it? You think there's something wrong with her. You know who there's something wrong with? GROW UP."

Winner: Gabriel, and handily! That one's going to leave a mark.

The Knights Who Say "Nina"

Who called the meeting? Oleg.

What's it about? The latest from the Rezidentura.

How'd it go? Arkady ran a meeting at the office that morning telling everyone that there aren't supposed to be any assassinations OR assassination attempts without the express written consent of Major League Baseball signoff from relevant department heads and rezidents. Oleg and Stan both figure that must be because Zinaida got word to the bosses that she was threatened by someone with a Russian accent, which means their theory that she's been working for the KGB has proven out: that part of the meeting is good. Then Stan has to get all mooshy about Nina, asking Oleg what he thinks life is like for Nina right now. Oleg is pretty clear-eyed about it: he doesn't know if she went to regular old prison, but if she was sent to a labour camp in Siberia, most people who get released after serving their twenty-year sentences just end up staying nearby, in "shit little local villages until they die." He also doesn't really seem that bothered about it, so I wonder how much any of this actually has to do with Nina, for Oleg. Stan asks what she'd think if she knew the two of them were sitting in that car together, doing what they're doing to try to spring her. "I think she knows I'm trying to help her," says Oleg. Stan: "I think she'd like to put a bullet in my head." I don't know, Stan; given how avidly she was fondling that one pair of nylons they gave her, I don't think she's that mad at anything American anymore.

Grade Me! I'm Ever So Good!

Alert Type: Totally Proactive Paradigm Alert.

Issue: Now that Oleg's confirmed that Zinaida's a spy for the KGB, Stan's telling Gaad all about it.

Complicating Factors: No one authorized Stan to go ahead with this op, so when you add this to his affair with Nina...you know, even though it's solid, actionable intel that keeps the country safer, it's not how things are done and makes Stan look bad -- like, so bad that Gaad even asks him whether he's the one who planted the bug in Gaad's pen and snaps that Stan has no reason to think Gaad would or should ever trust him again. Stan grits, "I don't know if I'd trust me again either, sir, but I got this asshole on tape. That's proof. If this is the end of my career, then it's the end of my career. But Nina was our agent. And we owe our agents anything we can do to help them if they get caught. That's how it works, right?" "Don't give me a speech on how we're supposed to treat our agents," snaps Gaad, who is in NO MOOD for Stan's crap right now.

Resolution: Gaad has Zinaida arrested, but he also recommends to the Director that Stan get shitcanned.

Spoiler: The New FBI is for loose cannons, GRANDPA GAAD! [hot guitar lick]

The est Is Yet To Come

Situation: Philip has apparently been so shaken by admitting to Yousaf that feels like shit all the time AND getting told off by Gabriel over what a baby he is that he's returned to est, alone.

What makes it awkward? He's in the middle of listening to some Jennifer tell the story of how she made a breakthrough in her marriage by getting her husband to offer to go down on her when he notices that this very Jennifer is standing right next to Sandra.

How is order restored? Sandra also notices Philip, so rather than act like they didn't both totally see each other, she cheerfully marches right up to him after the seminar to say hi; Philip's like, I'm kind of keeping my est-itude to myself, and she's like, ROGER WILCO, BYE. So Sandra may be all ested out, but she's also still a person and understands that honesty is fine in moderation. Or, this encounter gives her an idea that won't come up until later. Definitely one or the other.

Mommie Actually Dearest

Elizabeth and Paige are sleeping in their hotel room when they're surprised by a knock at the door, and a nurse wheels in an elderly woman. This is obviously Elizabeth's mother, and although she'd already told Philip he wouldn't like her and Paige that she should be prepared for someone who's not your typical grandma, this lady seems very happy to see Elizabeth, who kneels before her as she takes her hands and weeps. "I had to let you go," says Elizabeth's mother. "Everything was at stake." So either Elizabeth has distorted her memory of her stern mother after all these years, or her mother put on an act to make it easier for Elizabeth to leave her, or she's just softened up from being so close to death. Whatever the reason: now she's nice, and when she sees Elizabeth's daughter standing by, she carefully pronounces her name -- "PAY-idge" -- and holds out a hand to her.

Three generations form a circle while Elizabeth just barely holds it together. Paige had better at LEAST believe in this.

R.I.P. Gene The IT Guy

It's a real shame you aren't going to get to know your hero Taffet any better, because you've been sacrificed to save Martha. MARTHA, of all people! Philip's hidden her receiver in your drawer, written a suicide note on your state-of-the-art Commodore 64, and hanged you from your own rafters, so you have died as you lived: surrounded by toys you were really probably too old for, nerd.

Damn, It Feels Good To Be A Gangster

I guess the recommendation of an FBI agent who can't even keep bugs out of HIS OWN OFFICE don't mean shit, because our old friend Deputy Attorney General Warren stops by to tell Stan not only that he isn't getting fired, but that he's great and should continue working Oleg, and even try to turn him officially. Stan's like, cool, so that means we can trade Zinaida for Nina, right (Gaad having already told him that Zinaida's been traded for some CIA guy with more value)? Warren's like, oh right: no, but keep up the good work. Stan is bummed...

...but that doesn't mean he can't still enjoy his partial victory!

Oh, NOW Is The Time For Honesty

Their second time spotting each other at est's "Graduate Sex Seminar" (sounds...rigorous?), it is Philip who approaches Sandra to say hello and debrief (as it were). After extracting a promise that Philip's not going to tell Stan he saw her there -- Sandra doesn't want to give him any reason to think she might be having problems with Arthur and thus hope that Sandra might still reconcile with Stan -- Sandra asks why Philip's there. He hems a little, and Sandra guesses it's that after he came with Stan that time, he got something out of it that he wasn't expecting, and Philip decides that's as good an explanation as any and goes with that. As for the fact that what he's chosen to participate in is the GRADUATE SEX SEMINAR, Philip says that "things" with Elizabeth are fine in that regard, and when he trails off, Sandra ests that sex is really about openness -- knowing yourself, someone else knowing you. She's not sure anyone in her life has ever really known her, and when she asks Philip whether he feels the same, he says that Elizabeth knows him. Sandra's like, but she doesn't know you're here, and Philip's like, yeah, I guess I did wait until she went out of town. Sandra understands: "It's hard." OR IT'S NOT AND THAT'S WHY THEY'RE AT A SEX SEMINAR, AMIRITE?! But she has a crazy idea: "What if, as long as we're in the seminar together, what if you and I agreed to just tell each other everything? No secrets, just-- Like an experiment." Philip is...actually pretty honest when he gravely tells her he doesn't think he can do that, and she chuckles that she doesn't know if she can either (probs for different reasons, gurl), but that it would be a good relationship to have: "Scary, maybe, but good." Philip looks like he is actually desperate to have a relationship like that?

But he just says he's going to think about it. Hey, now that he's been honest with Paige and that is TOTALLY WORKING OUT GREAT FOR EVERYONE, maybe anything is possible!!!

You're Still Here?

Nina brings Baklanov a tray, interrupting him during his letter-writing, which she can tell even though he hides it before letting her in. He says he doesn't want to talk about it, so she changes the subject to herself, and what she's been tasked to do with/to/near/on him. He says he figured. But she's not that into it anymore: "I can't keep doing this. Buying back my life. It's not-- I don't know if it's worth it." He sits next to her, looking concerned, and tells her he doesn't have to do things their way. The first step is turning down everything they offer, "especially the things the body cries out for." (Nylons.) This is basically just a second version of a conversation these two have already had IN THIS EPISODE in which he told her all about how the Soviets may have his body but his mind is still free, so like, we get it? Anyway, if you were assuming this storyline was going to go somewhere just because this is the season finale...it's not.

I Can't Hide My Lying Eyes

Situation: Paige and Elizabeth have returned from their visit.

What makes it awkward? Rather than having the desired effect of showing Paige how she's part of a strong line of tough-ass Russian broads, she seems to be more freaked out than ever: she and Elizabeth haven't even gotten into a cab before she starts yipping, "I don't know if I can do this, Mom. I don't think I can do it. Go home and lie? To Henry? About everything? All my friends, everyone in my life! To lie for the rest of my life -- that's not who I am."

How is order restored? It may not be. "Everybody lies, Paige," says Elizabeth calmly. "It's part of life. But we're telling each other the truth now: that's what's important. You're going to get through this. We will, I promise." Paige doesn't answer, but that's not necessarily because she agrees.

Philip has seriously never moved faster than when the sound of Paige and Elizabeth getting home from their trip lets him stop moping around the empty house (Henry having gone over to Stan's to play some football board game) listening to gloomy reports about Afghanistan on his shitty bedroom radio and staring at the ceiling feeling like a pile of fraudulent garbage!

Later, Paige having begged off dinner to go lie down, Elizabeth reports that Paige "did well," adding, "I think it was good for her." Philip tentatively asks how it was with Elizabeth's mother, and she says she's glad she went, thanking him. Philip says he "took care of that Martha thing" too (and if you were thinking you'd get to see the aftermath of Martha's reaction to Clark's de-wigging, that's just another thing that isn't happening in this episode, too bad!), and hopes it will shut down the investigation. Elizabeth asks whether he told Martha his plans first, and he says he didn't: "She's absorbing everything right now, so when she finds out he's dead, she'll come to me and she'll tell me how much she needs to know about it." Elizabeth thinks Martha should hear about it from Philip first: "A woman like that, with this on her conscience? I don't think you're seeing things clearly." Gee, he's been hearing that a lot lately!

Later still, Philip gets his est on, confessing to Elizabeth how hard it was for him to kill Gene in the middle of an apartment full of the kind of toys Henry plays with. I feel like that should suggest to Philip that maybe he was doing this immature weirdo a favour.

Speaking of immature weirdos: down the hall, Paige isn't asleep at all! She's on the phone with Pastor Groovyhair, telling him, "I've been having a really hard time and I'm hurting a lot. I don't know what to do!"

Philip tries to explain his current crisis to Elizabeth: "I almost feel like when I do this stuff? If I don't-- I just feel like, from now on, I need to be able to know what I'm doing -- better -- so I...." She asks what he means, as I think we all do since that was just a lot of words in a row with no relation to each other, I mean I know he's a non-native English speaker but just try it in Russian!

Paige tried praying and it doesn't help! Can Pastor Groovyhair please help her?!

Philip just feels like...and never picks up after trailing off because Elizabeth's stopped listening to his confused ass and turned her attention to highlights from a speech Ronald Reagan just gave!

I GUESS IT WAS KIND OF A BIG ONE!

Paige tells Pastor Groovyhair, "I can't take it, they're just-- They're liars! They're liars, and they're trying to turn me into one!...They're not who they say they are, they're not...Americans!"

Elizabeth is aghast by Reagan's speech!

Philip DGAF!

Maybe it's because Philip has a premonition that he and Elizabeth are about to have way bigger problems than any international policy pronouncements, because Paige is winding things up with Pastor Groovyhair! "I'm not supposed to say anything! You can't tell anyone! They're-- They're Russians!" This is where things were going and we had to waste all that time on Kimmy and Yousaf and fucking NINA?! OH WELL, SEE YOU IN SEASON 4 I GUESS! MAYBE WE'LL FIND OUT WHAT PASTOR GROOVYHAIR'S REAL DEAL IS THEN!!!