In The Navy, You Can Sail The Seven Seas! Or Be Cultivated As An Unwitting Traitor To Your Country!

Quantum Of Shit To Talk About The Soviet Union

What's Philip doing in a synagogue? Collecting information about a Soviet physicist/defector with a bunch of grievances against his former country, DUH.

Church Chums

That girl Kelli from the bus seemed pretty cool, so obviously Paige would sneak out of the house so that she could meet up with her and hang out at...church?! First you ditch school to go to freaking Harrisburg, and now this? Good God, Paige.

Car Talk

Who called the meeting? Claudia.

What's it about? Emmett and Leanne, mostly.

How'd it go? Efficient! Claudia uncorks a flurry of exposition: she's glad that, after what happened to Leanne and Emmett, Philip and Elizabeth are okay; the Centre doesn't know much about what happened, though the fact that the Jenningses haven't been killed (yet) is probably a good sign; she needs them to help her track down the murderers, but it's an unofficial assignment; she thinks that an Andrew Larrick, a Navy guy who teaches at the War College, might be the only person who knew Leanne and Emmett who'd be smart enough to pull it off -- and he had motive, given that he's gay and Emmett and Leanne were blackmailing him; they can get to him through this other bro named Brad Mullen, a recruit stationed in Virginia Beach; and Claudia is sorry about everything that happened between them (particularly between her and Elizabeth), and wants to make it right. She is visibly shaken and freaked out and I do NOT like seeing Margo Martindale out of control!

And The Award For Most Problematic Service Record Goes To...

Alert Type: Award Alert.

Issue: Some FBI fancypants is coming to the office, presumably to give Stan his commendation for killing that sniper on the roof in the last episode.

Complicating Factors: Welllllll, there was that thing last season where Stan shot up a KGB agent, and now there's going to be a "joint inquiry of the House and Senate Intelligence Committees." So: sorry, Stan, no commendation for you!

Resolution: Gaad's a casualty of this whole mess: he's getting "layered" (effectively demoted), and a Jim Halliwell is coming up from Atlanta to take over his old areas of responsibility.

Spoiler: The experience turns Stan kind of philosophical, I guess, because after telling Philip about it, he goes on to confess that he's having an affair, though he and his lady friend can never be together because, he says, "she's married. We're doomed." Uh huh.

Virginia Is For Lovers (Of Treason)

Elizabeth puts on a sassy brown bob wig and heads to Virginia Beach to start cultivating this Brad guy. Luckily for her, he is ripe for the cultivating.

Virginia Beach FAQ

Q: What sort of cultural experiences might I enjoy in Virginia Beach?
A: Virginia Beach has at least one record store where you can take an album into a booth and give it a test listen.

Q: What's the big deal?
A: Well, if you happen to run into a guy who fancies himself an expert, you might be able to get him to bring you in the booth with him so that you can do some eye-fucking with your Mozart.

Q: How many dates before a Virginia Beach-based sailor either offers or agrees to take you to a motel room?
A: Apparently zero!

Information With A Side Of Guilt

Who called the meeting? Arkady.

What's it about? Oleg has a new security clearance, which means he's entitled to some files he previously wasn't allowed to read.

How'd it go? Arkady's pretty pissed: Oleg had previously pressed the case that they should try to recruit Baklanov, because of his stealth technology research, but the Centre had already decided against it. So Oleg went over his head and used family connections to get his security clearance raised, which Arkady gives him a whole guilt trip about: apparently, it's a very "American" move, and something that agents in the country must be vigilant about. Arkady rhapsodizes about Andropov speaking about his hardscrabble rise through the ranks, all on his own, and Oleg's like, whatever, let's consider repatriating Baklanov. Arkady says that those plans are already underway...and then he has to go tell Nina that Oleg's new clearance means he gets to read all her files about Operation Fuck Stan. Arkady promises that Oleg will never know about her "betrayal," but Nina fatalistically says he could just pull more strings and find out whatever he wants. Sounds like Oleg might have a date with the muzzle of Stan's good old Soviet-killing handgun before too long!

"Date" Interrupted

Situation: Elizabeth, or whatever she's told Brad her name is, has joined Brad in a motel room for Scrabble, or whatever.

What Makes It Awkward? Without much prodding, Brad admits, "I've never done this before," and it's not clear whether he means taking a lady to a motel room or having any kind of sex at all, but either seems possible. They've barely started fooling around when Elizabeth gets emotional and makes a speedy exit, promising she'll call him, which he doesn't seem to believe.

How is order restored? Elizabeth does call Brad, and meets him at a diner, where she tells him the reason she froze up with him is that sometime in the recent-ish past, she went home with a Navy SEAL who raped her. She went to the police, but the Navy is protecting him, claiming he wasn't on leave on the day of her assault, and won't turn over his file. But WHAT DO YOU KNOW, Brad could TOTALLY MAKE A COPY OF IT FOR HER! Brad, you are good for something other than talking a bunch of shit about how dumb all your fellow Navy men are!

Rhythmacise!

Have you heard of "fitness"? Burnt out on the activities you may have done in the '70s to reduce, like doubles tennis, jogging, or a lot of cocaine? Can you even wrap your mind around the concept of combining exercise with music? Try Rhythmacise, and see how much fun sweating in a stretchy leotard can be! (Franchise owners: Post notices in well-trafficked locations, like right at eye level for a guy loitering near a pay phone so he can hear a Soviet defector on the phone and learn that the guy is totally having an affair!)

Communists vs. God Elizabeth & Philip vs. Paige

Elizabeth enters Paige's room with her clean laundry (which...I mean, I was about to say Paige is certainly old enough to do her own goddamn laundry but I forgot that the machines are in the Basement Of Clandestine Spycraft) and interrupts a very guilty Paige, who inexpertly hides the Bible she's been reading. When Elizabeth opens it to discover that Paige is using a pamphlet from the Reed Street Church as a bookmark, she starts to get a sense of what's happening: Paige made a churchy friend with a "messed-up family"! Does Paige think she herself has a messed-up family?! How dare this American child even consider attending a church???!!!!??!?!? The battle ends in hurt feelings/self-righteousness all around, but it's impossible not to notice that Paige won't eat her next meal without silently praying and that Philip and Elizabeth respond with nothing more aggressive than a meaningful look, so.....

Winner: Paige/God.

Martha vs. Clark

The requirements of Philip's spy job end up being at odds with Clark's promise to spend a "lazy morning" with Martha. Fortunately, her mother calls right after they've finished having sex (I presume), so he can use that as a pretext to get dressed and pick a fight about all the stuff he wants to change around her place, like that he doesn't have so much as a sock drawer and she's always cutting into their alone time by talking on the phone with her mother, and that the kitchen sink is clogged with her hair, and frankly that last one doesn't seem so much like a pretext as a legitimate issue. I mean, that is disgusting. But it has the desired effect: Martha gets all whipped up into a lather and yells that she doesn't even want a lazy morning anymore, kicking him out. Mission accomplished! Right?

Winner: Clark...for now.

Lady To Lady

Who called the meeting? Claudia.

What's it about? Elizabeth's recovery.

How'd it go? I mean, with a show like this, you never know when someone's really just working someone else, but...it's kind of nice? Claudia says she could tell in their first three minutes together back at the beginning of the episode that Elizabeth came back too soon after her shooting, and that she's not ready: "You're afraid. You're too afraid. You're back, but you're not back." (Maybe this scene would have worked better if it had come before the diner scene with Brad, when we thought there was actually a possibility that Elizabeth's abrupt departure from their assignation wasn't part of her whole act?) Elizabeth counters that she can tell Claudia's not herself right now either, and Claudia confirms that it's true: "I don't want to lose anyone else."

Elizabeth gets into Brad's car gushing about how great he is to get the file for her, and he blurts that he didn't! Guys kept coming by when he was about to get it, and he thought he was going to get shot and wondered to himself what he was even doing it for! So Elizabeth has no choice but to start jerking him off, joylessly, so that he can keep the memory in his mind the next time he's near any sensitive files that are not anywhere near as sensitive as his peen in her nice soft hand!

Oleg buttonholes Nina to tell her he's been reading her reports, and that he sympathizes with how hard everything must have been for her! "Our jobs are all about deception. And maybe it's not so hard to deceive with the eyes, the smile, the things we say. But the body, those parts of the body that can love, they want to tell the truth. When we train them to lie, that's hard on the soul." Nina says her soul is fine: "How is yours?" OH SNAP!

Martha comes home to her empty apartment, contemplates a mini-recorder in her purse, and then, after a moment, calls Clark and leaves him a message! They need to talk! Then she picks up a job application!!!

Philip and Elizabeth are on a stakeout, blah-blahing about whether they've done enough to protect the kids from consumerism and God and whatever the fuck else when along come Baklanov and his mistress! KEEP SOME PERSPECTIVE, JENNINGSES!

Uh oh, Martha's leaving Clark another message...and she's had some wine! She says this is exactly why it's a problem that she never knows where he is! She's filling out this job application and it's asking for her marital status and spouse's name, and she knows what their whole arrangement is, but she's not going to perjure herself for him! She's just going to do it! SHE'S WRITING DOWN HIS NAME!!!

As soon as Baklanov's bid adieu to his girlfriend, Philip pounces on him and grabs him by the throat; Elizabeth zooms up and pops the trunk so that they can both put their quarry inside. Textbook, right? WRONG, because along comes ANOTHER guy/girl pair to fuck with them! After a struggle, Elizabeth subdues the guy by slamming his hands in the trunk enough times that Philip actually seems concerned that she's overdoing it, but before they can regroup...

...the lady half of their antagonist team has jumped into the driver's seat and sped off with Baklanov still in the trunk!