Talk To Your Kids About...Like, Stuff, Or Whatever

Everyone Is Going to Kenya!

But first, Pastor Groovyhair has to stop by the Jennings travel agency -- referred by Paige, of course -- to talk about the arrangements...among other things.

Mission Trip FAQ

Q: What's Pastor Groovyhair putting together?
A: It's a mission trip to Kenya.

Q: How many people are going?
A: Probably around twenty.

Q: Does Paige want to go?
A: Of course. If Pastor G's going, she's going to want to go; you know she can't stay off his jock (in a strictly platonic/worshipful way).

Q: Hey, why don't all the Jenningses go?
A: Because only Paige is God-y, and Pastor G well knows that.

Q: What if they soft-soaped the God stuff?
A: I think Philip's pretty sure even something as officially secular as building schools would end up having a creepy, Pat Boone-ish quality.

Q: Has Philip considered that it's always the right time for parents and children to get closer?
A: Go easy, Pastor G. You don't even have kids.

Q: But has Philip forgotten that Pastor Groovyhair has "a flock"?
A: This dude has got to shut up.

Q: Doesn't it seem to Philip like Paige is the kind of teenager who needs to be treated more like an adult?
A: How about we just get back to talking airlines.

Secrets And Thighs

In early '80s suburban Virginia, one teen embarks on a quest to keep his secret stash of PG porn a secret from the rest of his completely upstanding family.

Main Cast: Henry; Sandra.

New Characters to be added: Various headless Sears catalogue models.

Sample episode plot: When Elizabeth pries up Henry's bedroom floorboards because she's looking for a place to hide...uh...fabric softener, Henry has to find a new hiding place for his stash.

If You're Mopey In Hawaii, You're Dumb

I get that the point of this scene is to show us (a) the trouble Philip has to go through to get the recordings out of Kimmy's dad's briefcase and (b) that Kimmy only fell for "Jim" and his New York-based charms because she's really a very unhappy girl with a lot of problems no one is dealing with. But look at that crybaby in her lei. Hawaii is wonderful, and if you force yourself to act like you hate it just to burnish your angsty teen credentials, you're only hurting YOURSELF.

Mattel Electronic Football!

You know who chooses a Tandy over the obviously superior Mattel model? Perverts jerking off to headless boobs from a JC Penney underwear circular, that's who.

Dear Mister President, One Comped Night Is Not Sufficient Redress For That Stain. I Am Not A Crackpot!

After listening to the latest recordings from Kimmy's father's briefcase, Philip and Elizabeth have gone to the hotel in Crystal City where a delegation of ISI agents are imminently headed; the night desk clerk happens to be a guy, so -- heteronormativity still being the order of the day in the early '80s, Tootsie to the contrary -- Elizabeth checks in and then sets up a scam to get him up to her room. Specifically, she spills something on the bed sheet, and then calls down to complain. When Neal, her target, comes up, he's smooth in dealing with the issue, assuring her that Housekeeping will come up and take care of it and that he'll comp her the room for the night.

I am not a crackpot. I just think one night's free stay and fresh sheets doesn't solve this particular problem.

I realize it's all fake, and just a ruse to let Elizabeth and her barely visible but visible bra to talk throatily to Neal, explaining that she's not angry -- she's in business and would want someone to tell her if their positions were reversed -- and set up a dinner date the next time she comes through town. But if I pull back my hotel bedspread and find a red stain that large, I don't want Housekeeping to come in: I want a new room and my whole stay comped. Of course, I would probably be as reasonable as Elizabeth is here if I had made the mess myself? But under any other circumstances I would expect some serious ass-kissing and a lot of free stuff for my horror. I am not a crackpot.

You And You And Yousaf

Who called the meeting? Gabriel.

What's it about? War stuff.

How'd it go? Tense, as per usual of late. While Philip and Gabriel wait for Elizabeth to return from her pre-sexcapades at the hotel, Gabriel says the Rezidentura's heard from Yousaf: he won't talk to anyone there, but he'll arrive in twenty-four hours and will speak with Philip then. After they agree that his timeline will be cutting things close, Gabriel casually mentions that The Centre arranged for Misha to get an early release from his posting. Philip, alarmed, says he didn't ask Gabriel to do that. Gabriel knows: "Elizabeth did." Also, Misha the maybe-fictional hero refused to leave, anyway. Gabriel says they can force him -- does Philip want them to? Philip, after a tiny pause: "No." Gabriel nods. And then Elizabeth shows up and announces, "I'm halfway there at the hotel." When they tell him Yousaf is coming there, Elizabeth eye-rollingly says, "He only has eyes for you." If that turns out to mean that there's finally going to be some gay stuff on the horizon, then this is going to end up being the best meeting in the history of this show.

Spy Kid

OMG you guys.

Who's causing a family crisis? Paige.

How? She's spent her whole life noticing how slippery her parents are, and what late nights they seem to keep for a couple of damn travel agents, and after some encouragement from Pastor Groovyhair, she's confronting them about it. When they come home after meeting with Gabriel, she's still awake waiting for them, and asks them, "Do you love me?" When they tell her that of course they do, she presses: "Then tell me the truth."

Which relatives have a problem with it? Philip and Elizabeth, who -- considering that they've spent all season talking about this moment and that Elizabeth's already primed the pump -- are totally unprepared for the question, and basically just stand their dumbstruck as she lays out her evidence: they're out all night; the phone rings and one or the other of them takes off; neither of them has any parents or siblings or cousins. "This isn't normal," she states. For a long time, she thought it was her, but not anymore: "It's not me, it's you." Because they still haven't said anything, she starts desperately throwing out suggestions for what the deal is: are they in Witness Protection? Did they kill someone? Were they drug dealers like their friend Gregory? Is she adopted? Are they aliens? They still haven't recovered, so she snaps, "You're just going to keep lying to me."

Who's an unlikely ally? Elizabeth, who's been waiting for this conversation to happen even as she expected to be managing the conversation more, and after Philip and Elizabeth have watched the back of Paige's head for a minute, Philip gives Elizabeth the tiniest of nods, and they both go sit on either side of her at the table. "Your father and I-- We--" "We were born in a different country," Philip finishes. "What? Where?" Paige asks. "The Soviet Union," says Elizabeth deliberately. Philip says they came to the U.S. before she was born. Paige, obviously, doesn't understand, so Elizabeth explains: "We're here to help our people. Most of what you hear about the Soviet Union isn't true. Everything that we've told you about about being activists, about wanting to make the world a better place--" Paige cuts her off: "So you're..." "We work for our country," Philip says, "getting information -- the information they couldn't get in other ways. "You're...spies?" Paige chokes. "We serve our country, but we also serve the cause of peace around the world," says Elizabeth. "We fight for people who can't fight for themselves." Paige stops her, horrified that they never told her this INSANE THING, and as she starts to stomp upstairs as though this spat has been over them saying she can't have $5 for lip gloss, they stop her. "Paige, knowing this comes with a lot of responsibility," says Elizabeth. She can't tell anyone, ever -- not Pastor Groovyhair, not Henry. No matter how much she trusts someone, she can never tell them. Philip: "This may seem obvious, but you're taking so much in tonight, so just in case you're not thinking quite clearly enough, we're going to have to say this: if you do tell anyone, we will-- We will go to jail, for good." I seriously thought he was about to tell her if she told anyone, she'd be killed. Which I think is probably the case, right?! Or should be?

Spoiler: Less a spoiler than speculation: letting Paige dictate the terms of this information's release might turn out to have been a mistake, especially if her parents aren't as ready as I am to get rid of her if she blabs.

"Heeeeeeeeey...What's Up?"

Situation: Now Paige knows what her parents really do for a living.

What makes it awkward? It's a gigantic secret, and she's not sure how to deal with it yet.

How is order restored? After staying up all night pondering her new life, basically, Paige announces that she's going to stay home from school. Philip and Elizabeth both fall over themselves accommodating her; Elizabeth offers to stay home with her -- or, if Paige prefers, to have Philip stay -- but Paige says she wants to be alone. Thus begins the tense day of tense tension: Elizabeth and Philip try to ignore Henry's recounting of an SNL sketch he probably doesn't even get before heading off to the travel agency to pretend to work while actually hoping they're right that Paige isn't going to do anything reckless. Meanwhile, Paige drifts around the house, finally picking up the phone to call Pastor Groovyhair and telling him...she talked to her parents and everything's fine. GOOD MOVE, PAIGE. [Tara quietly unscrews her silencer and puts her gun away, FOR NOW.]

It's Stan's turn to meet with our old friend Taffet! This time, Taffet's manner is friendly and casual, as he bonds with Stan over one of their shared experiences: getting divorced! "I've been through it, and worse," says Taffet. "The good news is there's life after." "Yeah," mumbles Stan. "You just have to live long enough." Taffet asks "what caused the rupture," and Stan dodges, saying it was "a lot of things." "You weren't compromised?" asks Taffet. "There wasn't another woman, no," lies Stan after a moment. "Things just fell apart with it." Taffet: "An apple with a worm in it. Trust." Uh, okay, weirdo. Taffet then remembers he's supposed to be asking about something specific and asks whether there's anyone specific Stan thinks might have placed the bug in Gaad's office! Stan starts to say there were lots of people who would have had the opportunity, but he doesn't know...and then he trails off! Taffet jumps into the silence to ask if he was thinking of someone, and Stan steadily gazes into Taffet's eyes as he says, "No." GUYS, I THINK HE DOES!

After his chat with Taffet, Stan trudges back toward his desk...which is when he notices that Martha's not at hers! Aderholt tells him she had to leave early for a family thing! I'LL JUST BET SHE DID (but also when Stan trailed off I was pretty sure he was thinking about Zinaida)!

At the Jennings house, Paige winds up her "my parents are spies" snow day by eating a sandwich and watching a soap, which is how her parents find her when they come home from work! She acts totally normal and not at all like she has follow-up questions or concerns about their talk the night before! WELL, THAT WAS EASY!

Oleg and Arkady are chatting when Tatiana enters and kicks out Oleg (but not before giving him a tiny "let's bone later" smile)! When Oleg's gone, she tells Arkady that they've had a message from "WILLOW": "She says she was threatened. By one of our people"! OMG STAN WAS RIGHT! Arkady reads the message and crabs, "Dammit. They're screwing this up." Tatiana doesn't know how their agent could have gotten to WILLOW without getting approval, and Arkady says the guy probably did: "But it's so compartmented, whoever approved it didn't know about it....I'm going to cable The Centre. They need a procedure to keep this from happening that doesn't blow the operation." Ooh, "procedure," sounds thrilling! I hope there's an episode coming up that's nothing but seminars and plenary sessions for hammering it out!

And then Stan shows up for that dinner invitation Elizabeth and Philip tossed out JUST HOURS before THEIR WHOLE WORLD CHANGED! Philip and Elizabeth are welcoming and normal...and then there's Paige! She stares so hard at Stan that he's finally like, hi? Before she can say anything, Philip announces, "She takes everything in a little differently since she got baptized -- a lot more observant. Isn't that right, honey?" As she fails to answer, Philip glares over the island to her, sharpening his carving knife, and Elizabeth also gives her a sharp look. Paige neither confirms nor denies the post-baptism theory before letting herself get stared down by Elizabeth and Philip and returning to her homework (or pretending to)! But while everyone else repairs to the dining room table, she has a straight sightline via the kitchen pass-through and she watches! Watchfully! Philip better hope that Stan gets his shit together to pack and sell his house before Paige gets up the nerve to blow up the illegals' spot!!!