The Astronaut Wives Club Shows Us Some American Heroes Were Actually Jerks

If you didn't know going into this episode that next week's is the series finale (I mean, I assume? It's about Apollo 13 -- that's pretty much the end of the astronaut wife era -- but I guess ABC might figure out a way to extend this into a second season, since if CBS could do it with Under The Dome then literally anything is possible), you would definitely know by the time this one wrapped up: it feels like all the wives we came to know and love and also Louise are drifting out of their public roles, and the more the show focuses on the new generation, the less interested I am. Harriet's husband Donn -- the one who didn't just desert her while their son was dying but started a second family -- is a shitheel, and there's definitely some satisfaction to be had in her story this week, but as soon as Marge gets involved it's like, Harriet who? And all the Susan Borman hysteria wasn't one-tenth as moving as Betty's very special farewell for Jo. Original Wives Forever! Except Louise, the new wives can have her.

How has the latest mission affected the wife standings? Let's rank them from first to worst.

1. Marge

   Donn and Harriet's fighting has gotten so bad it's disrupting other people's dinners at fancy restaurants and Deke has to go over and tell them to keep it down, and remind Donn that, essentially, astronauts whose personal lives aren't immaculate might wake up one day and find out they're not going to get to go into space anymore. Deke then asks Marge, in her capacity as HBIC of the Gemini and Apollo wives, to talk to Harriet and make her understand the importance of keeping a brave face in public, because astronauts can't get divorced. And Marge is all for it, until she finds out that Donn isn't just fooling around on Harriet with some "cookie" in Cocoa Beach: he's set up housekeeping with her and her son. (They're not totally definitive on whether said son is DONN's son, and my Googling is turning up some very decorous answers, so I won't say either way.) Then Marge goes full-on Team Harriet: urging her to get a divorce; going with her to meet a divorce lawyer; and Not Having It when Deke tries to come home and yell at her for not having convinced Harriet to stay in her horrible marriage.

   

   The event does have a silver lining, which is that Marge and Deke have some real talk about her complicated, shameful feelings about her own divorce, for the first time ever. He assures her that she isn't, as she had feared, "damaged goods," and then they put all her first-marriage stuff in her ex-husband's foot locker and bury it at sea (or the closest thing to "sea" that Houston has available). In the early going of this season, I really thought he lowered her worth, but now he's grown on me. Way to be a decent guy, Deke. I'm glad you deserve that pin Betty gave you.

2. Jo

   The only person who's come further in my estimation than Deke is Jo. I never would have guessed the lady who spent so much of the early episodes lecturing everyone else on what becomes a military wife would react to her own son's determination to enlist in the Army and serve in Vietnam with more horror than pride. She later comes around, driving Marty to the recruitment office...and then starting the car and peeling the fuck out of the parking lot. By episode's end, the Schirras are on their way to Colorado so Wally can start his new job in finance, Marty safely squared away, deferment-wise.

   

   Jo also gets to co-star in the episode's very best moment: Betty gives Jo the farewell gift of the piece of fence she cut out with a chainsaw so that she and Jo could pop back and forth between their yards without being disturbed by tourists and astro-gawkers out front. Jo's as touched as she should be, but probably not as touched as I would be, since she doesn't dissolve into sobs.

   

   Godspeed to Colorado, Jo. I'm glad you found out how happy you could be once you stopped being such a tightass all the time.

3. Betty

   Let's be real, Betty and Jo are pretty much tied in the rankings. Betty is no longer mourning and has resumed being cute as a bug and a fan of clever food, as evidenced in the rocket cake she makes for Marty's eighteenth birthday party.

   

   Betty's gift of the fence piece, by the way, isn't just the chunk of wood: she's also had a commemorative plate made for it.

   

   Snif.

4. Annie

   It's nice to see that Annie has lost enough self-consciousness about her stuttering to support Bobby Kennedy on his presidential campaign, even though...you know.

   

   Annie's best moment comes when Rene is still carrying on about her grief over Bobby's assassination -- which kind of seems more like she's grieving how important she was on the campaign -- forcing Annie to be like, you're certainly entitled to be sad, but also, I had to tell HIS CHILDREN he was killed. And then Rene's like, okay, I'm done with my histrionics.

   

   Then Annie goes on to be the best-dressed Astronaut Wife at the 1968 holiday toy drive. Good job, Annie.

5. Trudy

   Trudy makes the most of her limited screen time by overhearing Marge starting to try to talk Harriet into staying with Donn and intervening.

   

   I'm paraphrasing. While Louise is all, "Trudy, don't," Trudy ignores her and tells Harriet that they met both Donn's side piece and her son. Given that the Eiseles' son who was in the process of dying then has since died, this encounter was KIND OF A WHILE AGO, so sitting on this information doesn't exactly make Trudy an A+ close acquaintance, but still, at least she sacks up more than Louise and actually drops it when it counts.

6. Rene

   Rene loses a lot of points for being such a drama queen about Bobby's death that Annie has to give her a talking-to about it, because we all know that's not easy for Annie to do! But she comes back nicely, wearing what would have been the top look at the Christmas party...

   

   ...if not for its weird skirt length.

   

   And then she gets to embark upon a career as a TV broadcaster, calling the Apollo 8 launch wearing a LOT of different pinks.

   

   Can someone who knows tell me whether the real Rene Carpenter talked like...that? Yvonne Strahovski's vocal choices always make it seem like Rene's about to fall into bed after a two-day bender.

7. Harriet

   Oh, god, what a nightmare. So getting the other astronaut wives -- really, just Marge -- on board with her divorce plans was just her first hurdle. When she goes to see the lawyer she wants to hire, to represent her, he makes it sound like she's getting ready to drive off a cliff: "Legally, a wife can't just up and leave her husband. You will have to charge him with cruelty. That means that you will have to convince the judge of adultery, abandonment, and/or abuse." When he hears that she can prove all three, he's still not impressed: "You will need indisputable evidence -- any physical documentation, and testimonies that not only prove Donn's guilt, but that you are not responsible for his indiscretion." Oh, ye gods. If you can hear a speech that gross and still not call yourself, I can't help you. Fucking Donn the cheater and dying-child abandoner then goes on to freeze all Harriet's bank accounts while she's still supposed to be taking care of HIS KIDS, and when they finally meet, each with their lawyers, Donn volunteers to settle the case. Harriet looks relieved and pleased...until he says it's because Susie wants to get married right away.

   

   Fuck off to space, Donn, and don't hurry back.

8. Marilyn Lovell

   Marilyn.

   

   I don't know why no one's telling you to burn that wig, but it just means these ladies aren't your true friends.

9. Susan

   How is it possible for Susan's husband Frank to have been involved in the space program for so long that he's ABOUT TO GO UP IN A ROCKET without Susan's having ever considered the possibility that he might die? Has she already forgotten that Gus died in the capsule when it wasn't even in space? Because it was two episodes ago.

   

   Susan goes on to be even more ridiculous than Rene, choking in a TV interview, tossing back vodka where all the other wives can see, and "coping" by cheerfully describing all her plans for Frank's funeral. She doesn't seem nearly embarrassed enough when he comes back totally fine, but when Marilyn's husband runs into a little snag on his mission in the finale, I hope Susan feels like a real asshole for having overreacted over nothing.

10. Louise

    Louise does a lot of hateworthy shit in this episode -- as in all episodes -- starting with being not just the one who tries to stop Trudy from telling Harriet about how serious things are between Donn and Susie, but being the ONLY ONE to advocate for Harriet to stay with Donn EVEN THOUGH she was THERE with Trudy when they MET Susie! "Harriet, really think about this. Trudy gave Gordo another chance: now look at them!" "When I caught Gordo, he didn't lie," says Trudy immediately. "Well, Rene and Scott," Louise tries. "They're living separately, but they're still married!" "Yeah, Rene and Scott treat each other with respect," snaps Marge. "We agreed to be wives," says Louise, making this face...

    

    ...which from now on is going to be known throughout the world as The Louise. "For better or for worse! At least until the end of the program." Play it again, Trudy!!!

    

    Louise has this whole thing with Alan where she gets pissy about him for being grumpy and for making decisions without her, including ones that may kill him, like having barely-tested BRAIN surgery for his Meuniere's Disease, as if anyone cares about the state of their crappy marriage. They're in the middle of fighting in the car when they get in an accident out in the middle of nowhere -- so remote, in fact, that they need to accept a ride from a van full of young people and spend the night at their commune, and that's when Louise does the worst thing she has done to me yet.

    

    SHE FORCES ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HER AND HIPPIES. Ugh, under duress I will say hippies are less appalling than Louise. I'm betting no one in this bunch of filthfeet would try to tell Harriet to shit on the memory of her dead son by staying in her dead marriage so no one's inconvenienced at NASA.