The Bachelorette Introduces Rachel's 'Gentlemen'; We've Got Your 'Class' Superlatives!

Last December, when The Bachelor was about to premiere, I made some snap judgments on the ladies Nick would be romancing and offered just one assessment of Rachel: that she was "Certainly Too Good For Nick." And hey, I was right, because she didn't end up with him! Or...fine, I was right-ish, because she wasn't good enough to refuse an offer to headline a season of The Bachelorette herself.

Whatever: we can't stop Rachel from destroying all the goodwill she earned during the most recent season of The Bachelor. But we can organize her would-be fiancés for her.

Most Likely To Be At The Opening Of Baywatch

Blake K. and Kenny, who say The Rock is someone they'd like to be or have lunch with; and Alex, who picks The Rock is his favourite "artist."

Best Student

Fred, who actually knows what they mean by "favorite artist," and that his should match Rachel's.

Biggest Tattoo Try-Hards

Rachel must have specified a preference that her potential mates not have tattoos: among the 31 guys in their twenties and early thirties, 19 report having no tattoos at all, which seems like a far higher percentage than the statistical average.

Then there's Dean and Milton, who both have tattoos...INSIDE THEIR LIPS.

Worst Employee

Bryce, a firefighter who, during sex, once caught a girl's hair on fire.

Least Employed

You think I'm going to shade Blake K., "U.S. Marine Veteran," which last I checked is an ex-job? No. This category belongs to these scrubs.

Rob: Law Student. Michael: Former Professional Basketball Player. Blake E.: Aspiring Drummer. Lucas: Whaboom (apparently it's some World Of Warcraft bullshit). Jonathan: "TICKLE MONSTER."

Closest To God

Asked about past style missteps, Lee lists "Hip hop type, baggy clothes in middle school. Embarrassing. Echo, FUBU, Air Force Ones? Whatttt?" and somehow omits his current hair.

Biggest Disappointment

Dean tells us that his mother passed away ten years ago, and also that the place in the U.S. he'd most like to go is Hawaii: "I've never been. Also, my mother wanted her ashes scattered there." So he...didn't fulfill her final wish?

Most Basic

Grant, who says his favourite magazine is "Playboy? ;)" and Blake E., who says if he could watch any movie right now it would be "The new 50 Shades of Grey movie because I love taboo sexy stuff."

Most Transphobic

Asked which one person he'd choose to have lunch with, Lucas replies, "Dead: Bruce Jenner, Alive: Caitlyn Jenner …. Would be a very interesting convo." Bryce's biggest date fear? "The chick is actually a dude."

Biggest Creeps

DeMario says he has no pets, but adds, "[W]hen I'm married with children I will own a pet lion and name him, 'Denzel, the lion.'" Jamey says his ideal mate looks like "[a] model," but can't describe why his best female friend deserves the title: "I do not have female friends." Milton doesn't "mind being romantic, but it can show you're weak." But honestly, any of those is marriage material compared to Diggy, who tells this "fun story about a one-night stand": "I spent all day with this girl and she ended up coming home with me and we had sex. She then received a text saying her brother was missing, so I played asleep so I didn't have to help!"

Most Deluded

Milton admits straight up that he's here for the wrong reasons: asked what he's hoping to get out of being on the show, he replies, "Discovered. Everyone tells me I'm made for TV/movies. Doesn't mean I'm out here hoping for that, but I would like to break into writing or acting." Unfortunately, there's no follow-up question in which he explains what makes him think this is a viable strategy.

Possibly Good Enough For Rachel

Anthony taught English in Indonesia. He got a Fulbright Grant to teach in the Ivory Coast. He's read at least two novels. Given how much her stock has dropped thanks to her agreeing to be on this show, he might actually be too good for Rachel.