Battle Of The Andys Buckley

Which has to "rise above" more in the face of annoying colleagues/collaborators?

As Doc Orton on The Bridge, Andy Buckley is a sketchy doctor subcontracted by the Galvan cartel, which means each job that comes his way is a shitshow: someone -- or maybe a bunch of someones -- made some very bad decisions and ended up with potentially mortal wounds that can't be addressed by legit doctors. Do they pay well? Sure. But they're up his ass while he's trying to keep their pals alive, getting in the way of the little light available to him for performing complex medical procedures. It's not the kind of thing that tends to happen in operating theatres (at least, not since the days of The Knick).

As David Wallace on The Office, Andy Buckley was two management levels above Michael Scott, the most persistently irritating doofus who ever somehow managed to hold down a job for more than twenty minutes. They rarely had occasion to meet in person, but David was forever fielding Michael's calls -- inevitably on matters that were beneath his station -- and that was when he wasn't making the nice gesture of having Michael over for a cocktail party and having to be gracious when Michael was many, many hours early. Maybe he never got as covered in blood as Doc Orton does, but one always felt that Michael was never more than three dumb comments away from causing someone to open fire on him.

Winner: The Office Andy Buckley.

Which is more ethical?

David spreads a rumour that Sabre, the company that bought Dunder Mifflin and fired him from his position as CFO, has been selling printers that catch fire -- which sounds bad until you learn that this story about the printers is actually true and that he probably saved some lives. It's that rarest of things: a moment when spite and the public interest overlap!

Meanwhile, Doc Orton revives an unconscious, gravely injured Hank so that Eleanor Nacht can torture him.

Winner: The Office Andy Buckley.

Which has/has had the less catastrophic fall from grace?

If you bailed on The Office pre-finale, you might be inclined to say David fell further: pre-Sabre whistleblowing, the last we see of him is when he's bumming around his house, trying to get Michael on board with the idea of the Suck It, a vacuum cleaner specially designed to pick up Legos, and playing drums on a performance of the item's jingle, supported by his son. Given that we're used to seeing him in his New York suits, it's jarring. But! David later sells the company to the U.S. military for $20 million. It's definitely a better outcome than practicing medicine without a license in some kind of warehouse while drinking a beer, so even though we don't know where Doc Orton started out, this one seems like a safe bet.

Winner: The Office Andy Buckley.

Who's better at cleaning up messes?

Suck It notwithstanding, I'm not at all confident in David Wallace's ability to triage a multiple-murder situation. Doc Orton brings Eleanor back from her gunshot wounds -- so in terms of metaphorical messes, it's not close.

Winner: The Bridge Andy Buckley.

Which is foxier?

As much as I always enjoyed the character of David Wallace on The Office, he never really did it for me lookswise; the glasses were fine, and I'm not going to sit here and say the man can't wear a suit, but that haircut doesn't really inspire lustful thoughts, if you know what I mean. (What I mean is literally that.) However, seeing Andy Buckley in The Heat, playing one of Melissa McCarthy's many spurned lovers, was kind of a revelation. Put that guy in a well-fitted, untucked, casual buttondown and give him a few days' scruff? Yeah, I can definitely work with that. I wouldn't want to hang out with Doc Orton -- he doesn't seem like a super-great person -- but if he wanted to forego a conversation about hot topics of the day and just make out, I'd have a hard time saying no.

Winner: The Bridge Andy Buckley.

Verdict

I can appreciate the moxie of a guy who (probably) lost his medical license in a wrongful-death suit or something and is making the best of a bad situation, as Doc Orton is: I mean, someone has to dig bullets out of criminals, and if it's not him, it's probably just going to be a veterinarian. But David Wallace can knot a tie, read a balance sheet, and make himself indispensable to the military-industrial complex. Not bad.

Winner: The Office Andy Buckley.