Any Gibbons Monday

Look, I don't want to say that NBC is trying to squeeze out this lemon as quickly as possible. But it seems likely from (a) the naming of Team Vortex and the reference in Sunday's episode to a just-ended terrible winter that this was all filmed, like, a year ago; and (b) the fact that we've had three firings in two days that there was some kind of penalty in place if the network never aired this at all that someone decided to rush through the season to clear a path for The Voice. Whoever that someone is: probably a good call.

The programming of this season is so confused, in fact, that Monday's airing of the show is two episodes in a one-episode basket: all documentation has what are clearly two separate episodes -- two tasks, two eliminations, a tease in the middle of the airing of "another all-new episode" -- collectively called "Episode 2" and given a title that could apply to any episode of the entire series run ("Nobody Out Thinks [sic] Donald Trump"). And even though this is kind of a cheat, these happen to be two episodes that practically feel like one, in the sense that the first is propulsive enough to create interest in the second, which ends up being kind of a snooze.

In our first hour, the teams get a classic Celebrity-edition task: create a TV commercial -- in this case, for the personal-organization brand Neat and its new cloud service. Despite the fact that Kate, by her own admission, knows nothing about technology (even she doesn't bother trying to tout her former career as a "blogger," wisely), she volunteers to be PM and blunders into a win despite herself/because Leeza quietly and unobtrusively takes over; on the Vortex side, Kevin can't pin his team's failure to stay on the brand's message on Geraldo, and gets the season's second boot.

In the second hour, frozen-food brand Luvo needs PMs Vivica and Terrell to put together a tasting bistro or some such nonsense. Both results look similarly underwhelming, which is why it's a good thing from a TV perspective that Gilbert stands out from the pack by using his segment of the "presentation" to mention his kids as evidence of the fact that a woman had low enough self-esteem to have slept with him twice. Vortex gets dinged for coming up with a slogan (Geraldo's) the brand can't support, but mostly for Gilbert's having made everyone uncomfortable at an event for a "family" brand, and he's out. But is either of the night's losers actually the show's least valuable player? Of course not! Here's my extremely partial ranking.

1. Leeza Gibbons
   I'm calling it now: this lady will win. She takes over from Kate in such a smooth, casual way that even Kate doesn't notice, and even in her THes doesn't shit on her fellow players or aggrandize herself. As a seasoned broadcaster, she also shines as a presenter on the Luvo task. (And, on a shallow note, whoever's been doing her "work," facewise, is a real artist.) Whenever she is on the record as the actual project manager, she's going to kick real ass.
2. Vivica A. Fox
   Leaving aside her good performance as a PM on the Luvo task -- she's decisive and a strong consensus-builder -- I don't actually think she's wrong to call out Shawn for her whole PMS thing. At that point in the boardroom, Vivica doesn't know if she's lost, and when asked directly whether there's a weak link on Infinity, Shawn is clearly it, and for a very lame reason. I watched this with my mom, who, like Shawn and many commenters, thought it was trashy of Vivica to bring up Shawn's period in a room full of men, but like, (a) we're all adults; and (b) if Shawn is going to be such a suck about some cramps, she deserves to be shamed for it.
3. George Ross
   Mostly he's ranked this high because I remember and like him from the pre-Celebrity version of the show and I'm happy to see he's still alive.
4. Ian Ziering
   I thought he actually acquitted himself very well in the first task -- flying under the radar is certainly a valid strategy in the early going, and as someone who also has her name mispronounced all the time, I'm empathetic about the "eye-on" thing (though I never correct anyone unless they ask) -- and he does even better in the season's second episode. When Kevin calls him into the boardroom after Vortex's loss on the Neat challenge, it's not because Kevin thinks he's actually one of the worst players but because he wants Ian to back his play in blaming the loss on Geraldo; even when Trump tries to get Ian to agree with Trump that Kevin deserves to be canned for the questionable decision of bringing Ian back for elimination, Ian won't do it. It doesn't help, and Geraldo lives to bloviate another day, but still, I admire Ian's integrity. Ian Ziering makes me publicly admire his integrity, guys.
5. Damon/Hansen
   Speaking of flying under the radar.
6. Kevin Jonas
   He fails as PM, but his burning hatred of Geraldo has positively inclined me toward him for the first time in his life. The women watching his boardroom confrontation are right that Kevin has no shot against Geraldo because Trump wants to give Geraldo the win for the season and then celebrate with a classy dinner and go back to his elegant suite for some consensual heavy petting. But Kevin has to live his truth and I respect that.
7. Lorenzo Lamas
   Sucks as director of the Neat task and is barely present on Luvo, but gets credit for coming over to the "Geraldo sucks" side, and for babying Geraldo like the temperamental actor Geraldo is.
8. Kate Gosselin
   On the first task, she's worse than useless; on the second, spending six hours to buy some fucking finger bowls seems excessive. Plus I'm so sick of her hateful face.
9. Terrell Owens
   Not forceful enough as PM on the Luvo task, and I say that not because he couldn't control Gilbert -- no one could -- but because he ran with Geraldo's 59-word "slogan."
10. Moore/Anderson
    Kenya: who cares if Jamie's midriff is exposed when she's serving food? Everyone's already just seen it anyway. Jamie: is the middle of the task really the right time to pick a fight about who may or may not have raised Kenya and how?
11. Shawn Johnson
    You're twenty-two. This isn't your first period. Take an Advil and suck it up.
12. Gilbert Gottfried
    He definitely deserves to be fired for his performance on the Luvo task -- who cares if your kids have actually tasted the yogurt bars? You're not under oath! -- but I can't really fault him for failing to grovel at Trump like he gives a shit whether Trump fires him. He doesn't.
13. Eric Trump
    My mom: "Is that Trump's son?"
    Me: "I...think so?"

    Guess who else isn't sure who he is? The NBC press site.

    

14. Geraldo Rivera
    For saying he "sat at the typewriter" to whip up the Neat script; for referring to Ian's dismissal of him as "the mistake of a young man" when Ian is like fifty; for those pink sunglasses; for being jealous of Mike Rowe of all goddamn people; for "self-deprecatingly" referring to his career in various of the world's "craphole[s]"; for calling Trump "boss." Go die, Geraldo. You are the worst.