Alicia Learns, Apparently For The Very First Time, That Politics Is A Dirty Business

"We're Still Just Talking But HAVE ALL THE CRUDITÉS!!!"

Alicia makes like a hostess for once, putting out a spread that even Martha Stewart would say is "sure, fine, acceptable"!

Alicia kills time watching the Darkness At Noon after-show, and then...it's Eli!

Eli exposits that they only have four days until the candidate announcement! But the good news is, they're ready to go! According to Eli's polling, if the election were held today and Alicia and Castro were the only two running, Alicia would win by eight points! Alicia wants to know if Eli thinks no one else will enter the race, but he wants her to stop and take a second to enjoy her hypothetical eight-point victory! She has a good brand from the way she dealt with Peter's scandals! It's good that she stood by Peter, and then prospered, and didn't divorce him!

Well, the public doesn't need to know all the gory details! Moving on, Eli has another surprise!

"But There's Nothing Elfin About His Political Acumen!"

Dueling Side-Eyes

Grace rolls in with a bunch of her school friends! She has choir practice tonight! ...At home? Without a choir director? Sure, why not!

As the choir starts a hymn in Grace's room, Eli explains why Alicia needs Peter to be at her announcement! It'll be a similar setup to the time he had to admit his hooker problems and she stood by him -- except now it'll be HIM standing by HER, in triumph instead of disgrace! And when Alicia initially doesn't have a good answer for Johnny as to why she's running -- he says she should have positive reasons, as opposed to just wanting Castro out of office...

...she gets a phone call! The State's Attorney's subpoenaed a bunch of stuff about Lemond Bishop's real estate holdings! It's no big deal because there's nothing (that) incriminating, but Diane and Cary think it's just a front to set a precedent for compliance that they'll be able to use against Cary in HIS case! Remember that thing? It's still happening!

And then Jennifer shows up, acting typically weird! "It's like a Marx Brothers movie in here," says Johnny! He is not wrong!

Then Peter calls Eli to see how the meeting's going! He's asking about the oppo research on Alicia and whether there's anything in there about Peter! Eli can't say!

Alicia comes back to the table, and Johnny asks her why she went into law in the first place! Alicia: "I like clarity. I like rules that tell me what's right and wrong." Johnny leadingly adds that she wanted to help people with those rules, and Alicia thinks for a second and says, "No." She knows she's supposed to say yes: "But I just wanted to be inside something that made sense to me!" Let's steer clear of how Robot Alicia didn't want to fuck around with dumb soft humans, though!

And then Johnny wants to take Alicia through the oppo research...on herself! Eli tells her this is her Matrix red pill/blue pill moment, except in her case, "taking the blue pill" means she doesn't run.

The Choice Of A New Generation

Alert Type: Abortion Alert.

Issue: The first item in the Alicia oppo research that Eli and Johnny need to talk about is that abortion Zach's girlfriend Nisa had after Zach got her pregnant when she was still a minor.

Complicating Factors: Alicia can't deny it because it's not just a smear; it's also true. And this is the first Alicia's heard about it.

Resolution: Not quite what Alicia wants, which is to cut Zach off financially and maybe also emotionally; she'll have to come up with an answer for when it comes up.

Spoiler: Don't count on seeing a ton of Zach in Season 6.

Elkness At Noon

The Scene: In between scandalous revelations and frantic phone calls about same, Alicia half-watches Talking At Noon, the Darkness At Noon after-show.

The Symbol: A majestic elk that a DAN scene makes a big deal of.

The Meaning: According to comedian Carmen Lynch, "The soul of Michael, rising from the dead, reincarnated!" For our purposes: a reminder that The Good Wife is just solid, straight-ahead drama about actual people who behave like recognizable humans because the show's producers aren't forever trying to overreach with Important Meaningfulnessitude.

More Embarrassing Facts Unearthed In The Oppo Research On Alicia

• Owen's been fucking a married man...
• ...who's Palestinian...
• ...and does porn...
• ...bareback!
• but because gay support will be important for Alicia's campaign, the married part is actually the most damaging
• Veronica hit a stranger's kid in a store
• the kid's family is threatening to sue...
• ...because the incident was recorded on video
• there are seemingly compromising photos of Alicia at a hotel with Will (when they were researching a rape case five years ago, she says)...
• ...and one of Finn coming out of her building at 8:30 AM (after witness prep)

Bad-ass At Night

The Scene: On his way out -- after telling Alicia that of the eighteen political candidates he's previously had this exact meeting with, she's handled it the best -- Johnny asks if she's running. She says she's still thinking about it.

The Symbol: Another exchange from Talking At Noon, in which guests Joe and Carmen debate who's the show's biggest bad-ass.

The Meaning: Alicia's a bigger bad-ass than any of cable's increasingly samey antiheroes.

Yelling "Fired!" In A Crowded Office (Without Doors)

Alert Type: Ankled Client Alert.

Issue: Alicia's campaign may get attacked over her more controversial clients: Colin Sweeney, the Paisley Group, and Lemond Bishop; Johnny and Eli think she only needs to get rid of Bishop, so she's called a meeting (flanked by Cary and Diane) to tell him he should seek other representation.

Complicating Factors: "No." - Bishop.

Resolution: Alicia, gobsmacked, tells Bishop she'll go to the judge to have herself removed as his representative; he says he'll play hardball, and they kind of have to leave things there for the moment.

Spoiler: But not for long!

Yours, Mines, And Ours

Who called the meeting? Eli.

What's it about? When Johnny tried to bring up the subject of the Peter coverage in the oppo research on Alicia, Eli tried to change the subject -- but not fast enough for her to ask whether it said Kalinda had slept with Peter. Which was news to Eli, so he wanted to discuss the matter with Kalinda.

How'd it go? Eli is very uncomfortable asking about it, but he knows she's a fellow traveler so he has enough respect not to be cute about it. However, he also has to reveal that he's asking because of Alicia's possible campaign, without considering that maybe Alicia wouldn't want her to have that information before it's public? Anyway, Eli says he just wants to look out for land mines, and Kalinda confirms what Alicia said: that she isn't one. Then Eli's like, "So now we have to wait for lunch," and Kalinda says, "We could just go." Eli, aghast: "Without ordering or paying?"

Family Matters

Situation: As part of her homework from Johnny and Eli, Alicia has had to sit down Owen and Veronica, tell them about her possible run, and report on what she's heard about their recent exploits so that they can address the optics.

What makes it awkward? Their recent exploits are pretty embarrassing.

How is order restored? Veronica, very reluctantly, agrees to meet with the parents of the kid she spanked and apologize. But when Owen finds out that strangers have been investigating him on Alicia's behalf, he dumps out the glass of wine she'd poured him and stalks out. This will take some massaging.

What Is "Witness Prep" Code For?

Alicia meets up with Finn to tell him about the photo of him coming out of her building and how it may end up being made public. "Were we up to something naughty?" he asks, IN A WAY THAT MAKES IT SEEM LIKE THEY COULD HAVE BEEN. "Witness prep," she replies, IN A WAY THAT MAKES IT SEEM LIKE SHE'S GIVING HIM A PLAUSIBLE COVER STORY. They're mad flirty with each other, like always, but...like, have they actually been fucking offscreen this whole time? THE PEOPLE HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW, KINGS.

EXCLUSIVE: Alicia Florrick In Sketchy DUI Stop!

Illinois First Lady and local attorney Alicia Florrick was stopped earlier tonight by a cop who, suspiciously, knew her name before she'd given him her ID. When she freely offered to take a Breathalyzer and reported that she'd only had one glass of wine before getting behind the wheel, he refused, making her do a much more public sobriety test on the sidewalk, which is where she was when this reporter, who definitely had NOT been tipped that the stop was about to take place, just "happened" to drive past and capture the incident on digital film.

This lapse in judgment on the part of Mrs. Florrick is a pity and the sort of thing that might damage her reputation with a public that currently thinks of her as St. Alicia, which is why it is so unfortunate for her that I caught the whole thing with the phone camera I miraculously had at the ready at the exact right moment.

No One Likes To Be Fired

Who called the meeting? Bishop.

What's it about? He thinks Kalinda might have some idea of why Florrick Agos might suddenly want to drop him as a client -- and when they've billed him more this month than ever.

How'd it go? Pretty well from Bishop's perspective: Kalinda, no dummy, calculates the situation (shut up in the back seat of Bishop's car, next to him and behind two of his henchmen) and determines that her best option is to tell him about Alicia's possible State's Attorney run. Just remember, if this should turn out to be a bad call, it's all because of Eli's big mouth.

Spanking's Not Enough

We're Going To Need Deeper Pockets

Alicia's fled the Weymouth meeting to come home and pointedly NOT drink wine when Grace excitedly calls her into her room. It seems as though Grace has a Google Alert set for Alicia's name, and turned up a site collecting donations for Alicia's political campaign. After a frantic call to Eli reveals to us that neither he nor Johnny was behind it -- the site was set up by a PAC, and as we all know from The Colbert Report, candidates and their representatives absolutely CANNOT co-ordinate with those AT ALL -- we learn that there's a lot of grassroots support for Alicia as a potential State's Attorney!

The Mere Idea Of Alicia Florrick's Candidacy = $84K and counting

The Lytton At The End Of The Tunnel

The next day, Johnny has the Weymouths back to Florrick Agos! Turns out the store's surveillance camera caught adorable little Greg's antics too -- and they included kicking an eighty-six-year-old woman! She'd love to get a sitdown with the Weymouths and get a look at the people who cost her thousands of dollars in medical bills! If only all terrible parents whose shitty kids are terrible in public got their comeuppance this way!

After playing phone tag for the past couple of days, Alicia and Zach finally connect! Peter and Zach have already talked, so he knows she's mad about that whole thing where he took his underage girlfriend for an abortion and lied to her about it with a cover story about touring colleges in Boston! She finds out that Nisa's parents were there (Illinois has a parental consent requirement for minors), but Zach says he didn't know they would be! Alicia now also wants to know if, when she'd asked him if he smokes pot, he was lying when he said he didn't! But that's not really important right now: NOW, he needs to know that she's going to run for office, and that he's going to be asked about the abortion, and he's going to say she knew all about it, they discussed it, she counseled him on all his options and urged him to keep it, promising to help him take care of it, but that he made another choice! Zach, shocked, asks why she's running, but Alicia, still furious, just says, "Have fun in college, Zach"! ZACH, YOU ARE DEAD TO HER NOW! No one will miss you, you dink!

Then Alicia ChumHums "alicia state's attorney" and gets back to that PAC's fundraising page! The total's gone up a bit since she last looked! She tells Johnny and tells him she's going to run! He says that's good, because there's a story online about her going into detox for her "alcohol addiction," and there's a photo from that intrepid Citizen Journalist!

Alicia leaves the office and sees Bishop "casually" waiting for her while "casually" leaning against his car! He's decided to take her advice after all and seek representation from another firm! He's also going to say that she fired him as a client and that he's very upset! Alarmed, she says he doesn't have to, but he explains that it'll be good for her! And as he hands her a campaign button, he says he knows they can't communicate directly, but that she'll always be able to reach him through his people -- you know, the ones who set up that PAC on her behalf? Oh shit! Alicia's dirtier than Peter! He might as well fuck No Panties after all!