Eli Messes With The Good Wife's Love Life One Time Too Many

These Biffs Really Are Revolting

Alert Type: Walkout Alert.

Issue: Cary's in the middle of calling Brian the associate for pulling an all-nighter to work on a filing for Reese Dippold -- he's coming to check in on them and has even brought donuts! -- when he walks into the conference room to find all the associates' firm-issued phones neatly lined up on the table, and evidence of...no work having been done all around. Turns out all those dicks who've spent the whole season bitching about everything actually meant it, because they've quit en masse.

Complicating Factors: So many. This filing is due in a matter of hours. Reese Dippold is the firm's biggest client. They wiped the hard drive. And when Cary tracks Dirk and Brian and the rest all down to the coffee shop where they're smugly waiting for him, he learns that they're not planning to take this work and start their own firm: Louis Canning wants to hire them all to work for him, since Louis represents Dippold's biggest opponent. In order to make that jump possible, they never even started on the filing; that way, they didn't expose themselves to any privileged Dippold material, and also protected themselves from having Cary sue them for spoilage.

Resolution: First, Diane hires Monica, eating a whole murder of crows in the process, and agreeing to Monica's terms: that she make the same salary all those other dicks were, and that she get 250 protected pro bono hours per year. But despite how much Lockhart Agos Lee is jamming on the case, Cary realizes that they need to make a dirty deal with the old associates: he gets them all to come back with some sweet promises about how fast they'll make partner (five years versus eight) and $80,000 in signing bonuses that he happens to have on his person. Brian demands that Cary give it to them in writing, and Cary says he will but that they have to agree right now.

Spoiler: I'm pretty sure Cary and Dirk aren't EVER going to have sex.

More Like The Nay Area

After Courtney stops in Eli's office to give him the gift of a large painting for his tiny, windowless office, she cuts over to Ruth's office for the meeting she's really been summoned for: what to do about Alicia's pants, currently extremely hot for Jason. Courtney tries to repeat what Eli told her to say -- that he's on it -- but Ruth claims that Eli has a way of not facing facts when it comes to Alicia. She tells Courtney about Jason, admitting that she doesn't actually think Alicia's having an affair with Jason at the moment, but like...you know.

So while she's still sitting there in Ruth's office, Courtney calls Jason, claims to gotten his name on a referral from someone she'd prefer not to name, and says she wants to hire him to come work on a project for her -- two months, $50,000. I guess that sounds like a lot of money for a pretty easy job, but has Jason considered that taking this offer will require him to spend weeks on end in the Bay Area, THE WORST PLACE ON EARTH? And away from Alicia. But I'm really mostly worried about what he's going to do with himself in that hellhole. You KNOW she's not going to go visit him there. Why would she? Why would anyone?!

Physician, Heal Thyself (Of Your Unseemly Sexual Perversions)

"Are We...Cool?"

Who called the meeting? Alicia.

What's it about? Judge Schakowsky is presiding over Portnow's case, and Alicia wants to make sure that he's not using personal bias against her to penalize Portnow, her client.

How'd it go? Uncomfortable. For starters, this is an ex parte communication, which she's not supposed to do. Then she makes it even more awkward by saying out loud that she knows he was bribed. "They targeted me," he snaps. "That means nothing. I didn't take it." "Because Eli Gold warned you," Alicia adds. Schakowsky orders her to get out. Alicia firmly says that all she's asking for is fairness, forcing Schakowsky to YELL at her to leave, which she finally does. Brrrrrrr.

The Brutality Of Mercy Is Not Strained

Alert Type: Pervert Alert.

Issue: As previously noted, Alicia and Lucca are defending this guy who didn't just express an interest in abducting, drugging, and raping a woman he knew professionally and whose photo he posted on the site; he also took the matter to PM and exchanged hundreds of pages of correspondence with fellow member Ortolan246 in which they planned their attack, which is why the cops got involved and arrested him before he could do anything.

Complicating Factors: There's the question of whether thoughts can be considered criminal if they're not paired with any kind of action. (The cops found gear in Portnow's trunk -- rubber tubing, syringes, Propofol -- that could be rape tools, or could be stuff any physician might have received as a sample and just thrown in his car and forgotten about.) Ortolan246 turns out to be a registered sex offender -- a long-haul trucker who's been arrested a bunch of times on solicitation charges for what he gets up to with "lot lizards." Alicia and Lucca, tipped by Jason, consider the idea of putting Portnow's wife on the stand to try to humanize him, but when the best she can muster as they discuss the case with her is "He's superlative at what he does -- he supports my professional goals and respects my personal boundaries; I extend the same courtesies to him," they realize that Portnow might actually end up being a better witness on his own behalf than his weird wife would be.

Resolution: Alicia does put Portnow on the stand and let him explain what kind of release he gets from posting on the message boards: "They made me feel good....Not like a good person -- believe me -- but excited, and other times relaxed....The stress of what I do, the stakes of my job can be unbearable. I can't just walk away -- too many people depend on me -- and the site, it became a way for me to decompress."

Spoiler: That ex parte communication Alicia initiated might have been a better idea than, at first, it seemed.

Bye Bye Baby

Situation: Checking in at the courthouse, Jason tells Alicia he may have to raise his rate, given this crazy offer that just fell into his lap from Courtney Paige.

What makes it awkward? Neither of them wants to come out and say "People involved in Peter's campaign want to make sure we don't fuck," but it's the obvious subtext running under all their interactions in this episode. Also, when Jason says his new client is Courtney Paige, Alicia jumps to the reasonable but in this case incorrect conclusion that Eli put her up to it.

How is order restored? Jason takes Alicia aside at her favourite bar (...that actual bar, not her living room, but I can understand why you'd think that) and offers to push his departure by a week to finish out his obligations on the Portnow case; she tells him it's okay for him to leave. He says he's going to be gone for two months and that he'll understand if he doesn't have a job when he returns. Alicia tells him to call her...you know, when he's back in town. They say their goodbyes, and I mean, I know I joked before that Jason was going to one of the worst places on earth, but in actuality, Jeffrey Dean Morgan is going to the worst place in the post-apocalypse, so just like Finn, it's possible he's headed somewhere he can never come back from. Has Alicia considered boning Luke Kirby? BECAUSE I HAVE.

Alicia vs. Eli

Eli's in the middle of rummaging through Alicia's office trying to find whatever item Jason, whom he's just run into on his way out, asked him to tell Alicia he'd left for her when Alicia herself comes back. She's fed up as soon as she sees that Eli's there, and doesn't get any less irritated when he tells her he's there about a prenup for Jackie:

Eli's taken aback as Alicia barrels ahead: "Why are you in my life, Eli?...Why are you telling my investigator to go move to Silicon Valley?...Why are you letting your paranoia rule my business?...I have been very fluid with the lines between your needs and mine, but we're done." She announces that Jason's going to work for Courtney -- which is, of course, the first Eli's heard of it. "I can't find a good investigator in the same price range and I probably won't be able to afford him when he gets back, and what business is it of yours what I'm doing with my private life?...MY LIFE IS MY LIFE! AND I WANT YOU TO BACK THE HELL UP. I wasn't. Sleeping. With Jason. But even if I was? That's my business." Eli hisses at her that it wasn't him, and that he doesn't know how Courtney even knew who Jason was, but as he says it figures out that it has to have been Ruth. But as he tries to smooth things over, Alicia orders, "Eli. Leave." They can't talk about this now; she has a client.

Winner: Alicia, just for getting the last word, even though Eli isn't actually to blame this time.

Going Back To Cali

Courtney and Eli have apparently just finished having amazing sex (...'kay) when her phone rings and she gets it. Eli "jokes" that he turned his phone off, and suggests that they should get room service. "You should," says Courtney. This response doesn't escape Eli's notice, so when she says she has to get back to work and adds, "It was fun," Eli hesitantly answers, "Yeah, it...was. What are we referring to? Tonight?" No: in fact, she has to get back to the Bay Area and deal with her business. Eli vulnerably asks if she'll be back, and she says she will, "in a while," which means maybe in a year. "So that's...it," says Eli. "This. Between us." Courtney tries to deny it, but not very convincingly, and Eli knows the truth: "I know that voice. I've used that voice." "This was fun," Courtney smiles, who's clearly done this a time or two before, and Eli agrees: "Yeah. It was fun. Like a carnival ride." After they both assure one another that they really do like each other, Eli asks whether Ruth did get her to buy off Jason. "Well, yeah," shrugs Courtney. "He's coming out to work for a little while -- isn't that what you wanted, too?" Whatever Eli's answer is, we don't hear it, but based on events yet to come, I guess he THOUGHT "no," but didn't say anything.

And, to be fair, Eli's got his own love life to worry about now. After he's dressed and stepped back out into the hallway, he immediately thinks better of it and turns back around to knock on the door. When Courtney opens it, seemingly a bit reluctantly, Eli launches into a whole speech: "Look, I'm in the heat of a political campaign, and normally all I'd be thinking about is tracking polls and spot media, but right now I don't give a damn about any of it. I don't know what this is, but I like it. I think you're perfect. For me. So please don't go, or go-- or go, but come back. Soon?" Courtney seems genuinely regretful as as she sighs, "Eli, the way you feel about campaigns -- that's the way I feel about my business. And right now, that's my focus -- business. You understand that, right?" Eli nods like a brave little toaster, and her telling him she loved every moment of their being together and kissing him on the cheek...

...doesn't make Eli's poor owlish eyes any less moist. Poor Eli.

As Alicia's case draws to a close, the lawyers all talk to the judge about his instructions to the jury. Alicia wants him to get into the statutory elements of conspiracy, and also cite specific examples from past cases. Matan thinks this is a smokescreen to confuse the jury, and that this is a matter of intent: what did Portnow intend? Alicia counters that what's at issue is what constitutes a fantasy, if Portnow didn't actually do anything. Schakowsky is persuaded by Alicia and Lucca! That's quite a change from his attitude earlier when he was all threatening to read all 200+ pages of PMs between Portnow and Ortolan into the record!!!

Cary rolls back into the offices at Lockhart Agos Lee with all the rebellious associates in tow, bringing them up to speed: "Our strategy on the Dippold claim is to prove infringement of core technique and block any novel process argument." They're just about to go into the conference room and start pitching in on the filing when Cary suddenly changes his mind: "Actually, come to think of it, we don't want your help. You're all fired." Doesn't Diane agree? Diane, at the far end of the hall, certainly does. See, now the associates have heard Dippold's side of the case, which means they're conflicted out of taking those sweet jobs at Canning's. Brian asks about the signing bonuses, to which Cary replies, "They're real, but I don't think it'll look too good for you when I spread the word of how easy it was to blow you out of a multi-million-dollar claim for eighty grand. Jobs may be hard to come by." OOOOOOOH, he spanked those Skips so hard!!!

I figured we might all need that for future celebrations. As a gif, it can't convey how very very loud it is, but trust me: the sound of her hand is a decisive crack. That Christine Baranski knows how not to keep a guy hanging.

Portnow's jury files back in after only fifteen minutes. Portnow's not sure what that means, and Alicia explains that they were powerfully swayed by something -- they just don't know what.

Verdict? Guilty. Alicia promises Portnow they'll appeal, but he sputters that it could take years. Matan immediately urges the judge to continue holding Portnow without bail, but Schakowsky stops him to address the jury: "This is the point where I normally thank you for your service, but I'm not going to do that today. You took an oath to render an impartial verdict, based on the law and the evidence. Each and every one of you violated that oath....As a matter of law, I find there was insufficient evidence to support a conviction here, so I am vacating the jury's verdict and entering a judgment of acquittal."

Alicia is stunned! And hey, she did it without an investigator! Maybe she shouldn't have been such a drama queen to Eli!

Except, of course, the judge vacated the verdict for shady reasons because he is shady, which he makes clear by smirking, "How else can I help you?" Haltingly, Alicia asks, "We earned that, right? It wasn't about what I said in here earlier?" "Mrs. Florrick, why don't you just say 'thank you'?" asks Schakowsky. HMMMMMMMMM.

In his office, a destroyed Eli listens to Courtney's final voicemail farewell over and over. God, dude, take yourself for a spa day. No one is going to miss you. No one even knows what you're in is an office.

The Lonelyhearts Club

Alicia's just finished finger-mixing a cocktail when Eli shows up to say he's sorry. Alicia is not interested in having anything out right now and asks if they can do this later, but he pushes through, insistently telling her he didn't know Ruth and Courtney had conspired to get rid of Jason. Wearily and not very kindly, Alicia says she forgives Eli and tries to get rid of him, but she's barely walked away from the door when he knocks again. Eli, buddy: if this is turning into your signature move, I would rethink it.

When next we see Alicia and Eli, they're sitting at her table, each enjoying a cocktail. Alicia comments that he seems more upset than she does, and he murmurs, "I started to care about someone." Alicia guesses whom he's talking about. "I don't care about a lot of people," he says. "Too much work. I mean, too much work to make it...work. But I thought, 'This isn't so bad. With her. I could get used to this.'" "Then do!" Alicia exclaims, because for all her prickliness, she does care about him. "Be happy, Eli!" "I wanted to," Eli mopes. "She went away." Alicia's sorry. "You're so nice to me," says Eli, weirdly. "No, just listening," says Alicia. Wow, Schakowsky was right: she really doesn't know how to say "thank you."

After a moment, Eli says again that he's sorry Jason was sent away. "Eli, he's my investigator, that's all," Alicia crabs. He says he knows...but he also thinks she should be happy: "Call Jason." Chuckling, Alicia says she's okay. But Eli is very serious about not wanting to be in the way: "Don't let the campaign get in your way." Alicia insists that she's fine...which is when Eli screws up his courage and makes a confession:

Alicia turns to ice, reaching across the table and taking Eli's drink from him -- which, as we all know, is the worst insult this drunk can deliver!