How Does Elsbeth Tascioni Win So Many Cases?

Elsbeth is excited to share, with her pumpkin spice partner Rayna, the insights her treadmill/hallucination sesh brought her to -- namely, that they won't win this wrongful-termination case in which they're representing the defendants if they fight sexism, even though that's the whole thrust of the complaint. When Elsbeth hears that Alicia is on her way, Elsbeth gets WAY too excited...and then instantly dismayed when she realizes she and Alicia are going to be on opposite sides of the case. "She good?" asks James. Alicia: "Yep."

And then the plaintiff, Jill Abramson Camilla Vargas is on the stand, testifying that she was fired from her job as CEO of J-Serve, a software company, because she's a woman, "and they can't do that." But then Rayna gets up for cross and we see what the cracked phone screen part of Elsbeth's imaginary journey meant: it comes out that Camilla's gone through five assistants in the last two months at J-Serve and that she threw her phone at one of them (er, if not more than one).

Back at the office, Alicia and Dean admire Elsbeth's pivot strategy: she's trying to show that Camilla wasn't fired because she's a woman but because she's a bitch. But hey, wasn't the company's last CEO also kind of a nightmare? Diane confirms that he was, and offers to send them the files on a sexual-harassment suit that was brought against him...

...except there's a problem. Diane has become the victim of encryption blackmail! When she unknowingly clicks the button that promises to return her files -- proving you don't need to have kids to be a mom with regard to computers -- she shuts down everyone's computers on the office's whole network. She plaintively says she was just clicking on a link in an email Alicia sent her, but of course that was the cybercriminal spoofing Alicia's address. And now they have seventy-two hours to pay $50K or all their files will go poof! Where's Cary?!

Cary's fucking Kalinda, as any of us would be if we could. He wants to blow off (hee hee) the call, but Kalinda reminds him that it might be good news about his own trial, so he picks up, and then there's some "cute" business about both of them getting calls on this matter and trying to act like they're not in the same room with no underwear on.

Back at the office, on speakerphone, the discussion as to what they should do continues. Dean shrugs that they should just restore their files from their backup, and Other Carey has to say they were totally about to set that up and then the money had to be used for something else -- Cary's bail, so it's awkward. Alicia declares that they should just pay it: they can't risk an investigation, because it'll make Florrick Agos look like a bunch of dumbasses, DIANE. Kalinda doesn't love the idea of funding a criminal operation, but Diane's like, yes, let's all just kick in $5000 each even though LET'S BE REAL, she should have to pay it her own self, I mean I love Diane BUT HONESTLY.

Back in court, Alicia gets Mr. Napier, of J-Serve, on the stand, and gets him to say that Camilla's predecessor, a man, didn't leave the company vulnerable to lawsuits, so that she can drop the sexual harassment complaint on him. He claims he didn't know about it, which doesn't seem credible. And then Elsbeth gets up to ask if, after that last guy, didn't J-Serve get VERY concerned about such cases being brought in the future and decide "Never again," and over Alicia's objection of witness-leading (legit), Napier's like, totally! Dean: "We need to take her out."

"But It Said 'Check This Out'!"

Situation: Diane broke the network with her heedless malware link-clicking.

What makes it awkward? When the partners all kick in to fix her mistake, she never gets the decryption key...because, she says, the form she used autofilled her old Lockhart Gardner Canning email address. (She didn't get a new computer when she quit? I THINK MAYBE *DIANE* AUTOFILLED HER OLD LOCKHART GARDNER EMAIL ADDRESS.)

How is order restored? Diane has to go back to Lockhart Gardner Canning and ask David Lee for a printout of the email. And he's about to give it to her except, fortunately, he needs something from her: the lease for LGC's offices is still in Diane's name, and isn't that silly given that she's not there anymore? He says he'll give her the email if she signs everything over to him, and she refuses. David threatens to rip up the email, and she's like, go for it. Then he starts to do it and she points out, "It's a copy of an email. The paper doesn't matter."

Diane, with the upper hand, says that if he gives her the email, she'll CONSIDER what he's asking, and he relents. Meanwhile, Kalinda's working her own angles (of which more anon) to get to the perpetrators, so when the key code Diane gets just makes the countdown clock go EVEN FASTER, Kalinda gets to cyberterrorize Boris, the mastermind, right back: though she agrees with him that Russian authorities won't give a shit about cybercrime, they might have a problem with all the anti-Putin propaganda she's putting on his computer. Problem solved! Diane: from now on you only get to use Facebook.

Kalinda Could Always Use A Friend

Who called the meeting? Kalinda.

What's it about? She wants Lana's help in pursuing whoever's targeted Florrick Agos with this ransomware attack.

How'd it go? Since Lana is interested in justice as a professional matter, she agrees to get a warrant to try to get the IP of the computer that sent the message, but she says she doesn't like it that the only times she ever sees Kalinda are when Kalinda needs something. Kalinda, slightly chastened, tries to make small talk, but Lana's like, BYE.

Everyone Likes Penguins, Come On

The advantage of having had Elsbeth on her side on the past is that Alicia now knows how to get at her in court: with timely distractions!

"I don't even LIKE penguins!" yelps Elsbeth. But who could possibly believe that?

GOOD TALK

Just Two Weirdos In Love (?)

After successfully banishing the distracting clown from her mind -- as we all have had to do from time to time in our lives -- Elsbeth gets an even BIGGER distraction. It's Josh Perotti! He's back! She takes him out to the hall and tries to order him away from her trial, but he says he's there on business, and when she asks what, he says he'll tell her over dinner. (The "business" turns out to be true: this civil suit Camilla's pursuing can't continue until J-Serve addresses federal charges of having stolen intellectual property.) Elsbeth, in high dudgeon, tells Perotti she doesn't like that he's corrupt, but even as she wanders back into court frowning at him...she's clearly still intrigued, and let's face it, these two are made for each other.

Peter vs. Alicia

Okay, so behind the scenes of this whole episode, Alicia's been wrangling with literally everyone about how to handle the announcement of her candidacy. Her idea was to have both Peter AND Finn introduce her, since the former is the governor and the latter is both a hero (having been shot in the courtroom, lest any of us forgot) and her opponent's employee. But Eli and Johnny both separately come to her to tell her this is a bad idea: Eli tells her it'll diminish Peter's gubernatorial stature if he seems to be on the same level as a mere ASA, and when she argues, he warns her that Peter won't show up if Finn's there. Alicia finally finds Finn out at the ASA bar and tries to disinvite him from the announcement, claiming it'll be bad for him (since he'll have to keep working for Castro afterward), but he insists, and she lets him.

SO, when Alicia shows up at the hotel ballroom where the announcement is going to be held, Peter starts by getting her to agree that it's okay if he introduces her and then stands beside her as she speaks, even if, as Eli fears, it'll remind people of HIS announcement of his hooker problems and the way she stood beside and slightly behind him. She says she doesn't mind as long as he doesn't mind if Finn introduces her to, and then they have to go discuss it in a service hall, reminding us all of how they did exactly the same thing back in the pilot under rather different circumstances. Peter threatens to leave, and Alicia tells him this is the least he can do after the way she had to stand with him when he was all getting caught hooker-fucking. Peter has the balls to get mad at her for bringing it up, all, "Would you let it go? FOR GOD'S SAKE, LET IT GO." Alicia denies that she is, as he claims, doing her a favour, since SHE knows that if she makes this announcement and he's off at some governors' conference, his favorables will go down and the media coverage of him will turn exclusively to questions about the state of his marriage: she may need him, but he needs her too. Peter snips that he may need Alicia, but he doesn't need Finn. "Well, suck it up, Peter, because he's part of the deal," she snaps. "Really," he drawls. "Who's the one sucking it up?" WELL, THAT'LL DO: Alicia tells Peter he can endorse her or not; she doesn't care anymore, and who can blame her? (St. Alicia is maybe even better off without him?)

Winner: Alicia.

Elsbeth and Rayna want to team up with Florrick Agos to try to beat the federal case against J-Serve. Who cares?

Diane is in her office when she opens a cupboard and sees a cockroach just chilling in it. As one might expect, her chilling scream brings Alicia running, whereupon Diane is like, e-fucking-nough with this shithole, WE HAVE TO MOVE. Alicia tries to tell her the quirks of the building (dripping ceilings, lights flicking off, vermin) are "part of the romance of a startup," but Diane shuts that shit down with a quickness: "No. Cockroaches are not romantic." Alicia asks where they might go, and Diane is like, maybe the set we already own the Lockhart Gardner offices I could totally kick their asses out of?

Kalinda and Lana are fooling around when Kalinda brings up the indictment against J-Serve and the kooky timing of it coming up right after Lana happened to be near Kalinda's desk! Lana is offended by the suggestion: "Just because you would do it, Kalinda, doesn't mean that I would"! Turned off, Lana leaves, even as Kalinda calls after her that she's fine with it, and whether she was legitimately curious or thought the question would get the cling-on off her is not entirely clear!

Finn introduces Alicia at her campaign announcement as she watches in the wings! She asks Johnny if she should say anything to explain why Peter's not there, but Johnny says he'll spin it! She worries that the hall is empty, and he tells her if she just keeps her eyeline at the back of the room, it'll look like it was fuller when the announcement is broadcast on TV later! Alicia steels herself to take the dais, and as she's walking out...there's fucking Peter to steal her thunder! Alicia has no choice but to join Peter and stand beside him as he introduces her!

And all of Eli's dire predictions seem to have come true! FUCKING PETER, YOU DIRTY SCUMBAG!!!