Private (Law) Practice

The Jailhouse Lawyer

Situation: Cary has cases to service, including a class-action suit against ChumHum over claims that Deena Lampard, Neil Gross's wife, involved other tech CEOs in a coders' salaries price-fixing scheme to curb personnel poaching.

What makes it awkward? Cary is...still in jail pending the resolution of the source-of-funds hearing over the provenance of his bail money, so he has to brief Alicia on how to proceed. Also, the suit is being fought by Lorainne Joy, who failed to hire Alicia back when Peter was first being prosecuted for all his hooker hiring and Alicia was desperate.

How is order restored? There's a lot of backing-and-forthing about which coder might have a drinking problem and whether Patric Edelstein of Sleuthway is co-operating with the class because he's still bitter that Deena dumped him for Neil Gross, but the upshot is that Alicia destroys Lorainne and stands firm on the $4 million settlement offer she started with, which Lorainne finally takes. "I should have hired you," says Lorainne admiringly. "You're an assassin." "Your mistake," smirks Alicia, awesomely.

That's A Pretty Good Gambit, Patrice

I have to be honest: I don't care thaaaaaaat much whether Cary stays in jail? So when Finn throws out the bold move in bond court of calling Alicia to testify about the bail money because although she's a hostile witness, he knows she'll tell the truth, I'm pretty impressed. It's a smart legal move for Finn, plus Alicia on the witness stand is hot as shit and my immediate thought is maybe her testimony will end in testi-MOAN-y if you know what I mean.

Cameo? Came-no.

Trial Part Foreplay

Seriously, my hat is off to Finn for getting Alicia on the witness stand so he can see how sexy she is when she's being smooth and un-ruffle-able, easily evading questions about how well Dexter Roja knew Cary before coughing up more than $1 million for his bail. Unfortunately, Finn has pretty solid evidence that the supposed membership rolls at Roja's gym are padded with the names of dead people. And Lemond Bishop is there to see the judge get convinced that...Lemond Bishop should be called to testify about his relationship with Dexter Roja, which Bishop had already told Alicia would mean the withdrawal of Cary's bail money. So that's not great, but I still think this sparring can only lead to Alicia and Finn doing sex to each other.

How Lockhart Gardner Canning Got Its Groove Back

When We All Stroke Together...

Who called the meeting? Kalinda.

What's it about? Now that she's actually heard the tape recording of Cary that's the basis for the State's Attorney's case against him -- which Cary insists was just him talking in complete hypotheticals -- she really wants to talk to the three crew dudes in question, and she needs Bishop's permission.

How'd it go? Well in the sense that he finally relents and agrees to let her talk to the guys -- on the condition that he's also present for the meeting -- but she denies knowledge of the tape (never mind admitting that she's actually listened to it), and insists that she doesn't know that any of the guys was wearing a wire, and it's not clear how much of this Bishop actually believes and whether she's going to be taken to account for her fibs at some future point.

It Keeps Me (From) Running

Alert Type: Florrick Campaign Alert, Part I.

Issue: Eli wants Alicia to run for State's Attorney.

Complicating Factors: She doesn't.

Resolution: Eli is in overdrive this week: he does get Valerie Jarrett to call Alicia and butter her up about how, even though they've never met, she's really admired her entrepreneurship (and she refuses to read the part of Eli's script that claims she also really admires how Alicia stood by Peter during his troubles), and thinks it would be great if Alicia ran for State's Attorney. Eli:

This is the giveaway that will tip Alicia to the fact that Eli put Valerie up to the call, but then Valerie's encouragement actually turns legit, as she encourages Alicia on the grounds that people who hate politics but have a sense of civic duty are exactly the sort who most should be running for office.

Spoiler: Alicia may not be as dead set against this idea as she thinks.

"I'm Supposed To Work Here? Have You SEEN My Vests?"

Diane having confessed to Dean what's really going on with her fake retirement and tried to convince him to jump ship with her -- she recruited him in the first place, so they go way back -- Dean has indulged her and gone to the office in the hopes of talking with Alicia or Cary and getting convinced that Diane is right. Unfortunately, he shows up at the worst possible time: he rides up with Gunter, a homeless guy they let clean up in the slop sink in the hall; he arrives when the office is under construction (so Gunter then complains to Robin that there's no hot water for him); and he's greeted by Robin, who's a bit cavalier about Cary's legal problems and does a pretty sub-par job of smoothing over the shitty first impression that the shambles of an office has made. Dean's like, FUCK THIS.

Crew-dités

Peter vs. Alicia

Bishop having withdrawn the money for Cary's bail, Alicia's had to make other arrangements, and even though Cary told her not to, she's sought a loan by taking out a second mortgage on her condo. Unfortunately, Peter will also have to sign the papers since he technically co-owns it, so she's called him over to chat about how he just has to sign this one thing, no big deal, but (obviously) he says he can't sign it. She tries to explain, like he doesn't know, that it's just a loan and that she'll get it back after Cary's trial, but Peter is like, duh, I am the governor, I can't sign papers that provide the bail for an accused drug smuggler. Alicia -- who surely knows better -- says that no one will find out, but Peter says, "You should know this better than anyone: documents don't go away. Your signature doesn't go away." Alicia then changes tacks, accusing him of punishing her for how things have gone between the two of them the past few months, which he denies; then she's incredulous when he tries to leave, like what else is he supposed to do? He firmly tells her that he can't sign the papers and that she shouldn't either: "It's just not a smart move." "Maybe I just wanted to believe you'd do the right thing," she spits, "because the man I married would've." "Well, that's interesting," Peter drawls, "because the woman I married never would've asked." OHHHHHHHHHH

Winner: Peter.

"But I Mean...My Vests!"

Who called the meeting? Dean.

What's it about? Having seen the state of the Florrick Agos operation, he's pretty sure he's not into leaving Lockhart Gardner Canning to work there and get his nice suits all covered in sawdust if he's lucky.

How'd it go? Diane turns the charm offensive up to 11 to get him on board: "Don't you feel stifled here? Wouldn't you love an opportunity to build a firm the way you want?...Forget what Florrick Agos looks like now. What could it turn into?" She blue-skys how great it would be for him to have a real, meaningful role in running a firm with so many female and minority stakeholders: "All you're seeing are roadblocks. See an opportunity to build our future exactly how we want it to be!" Damn, she's good...but the scene ends without Dean taking a position either way.

No One Who's Played By Michael Gaston Could Be An Evil Man!

Money Makes The World Go 'Round

Alert Type: Florrick Campaign Alert, Part II.

Issue: Eli still wants Alicia to run for State's Attorney.

Complicating Factors: She still doesn't, and now she's also pretty sure he sent Nolan to give her the bail money (which she politely refused).

Resolution: Even though, as Robin said, she could have still taken the money and just NOT run, and that it's only a quid pro quo if Alicia secretly does want to run and then does it, she stomps into Eli's office and tells him, yet again, "I'M NOT RUNNING." Eli promises that he had nothing to do with Nolan's offer.

Spoiler: As Alicia leaves, Eli comments to himself, "Wow. That's interesting." So maybe he's telling the truth about Nolan/in this particular instance.

Jim Lenard, 1990-2014

Diane and Kalinda were so happy to talk to Jim because he was so personable in their meeting and will make a great witness because the jury will like him! Or, rather, they would have liked him: Bishop made a guess as to which of the three crew guys was the CI, and he guessed wrong. Bad news for the case, but good news for the funeral director who gets to make an artful display of that grill.

Political Animals

Alert Type: Florrick Campaign Alert, Part III.

Issue: Eli really wants Alicia to run for State's Attorney.

Complicating Factors: Alicia still really doesn't, and getting awakened (at 7 AM on a weekday? What kind of lazy asshole small business owner is Alicia?!) by a reporter wanting a comment on the push poll questions about her possible candidacy that just leaked doesn't make her any more inclined to do so.

Resolution: Alicia stomps over to Eli's office AGAIN to tell him to knock all this shit off, but he denies having done the poll, pointing out that the questions put her in such a negative light that it has to have been Castro -- but also that it backfired on him because she came off great: 74% of respondents would vote for her over Castro if she were to run. (Eli also says that Nolan sniffing around her is a good sign: "People think you're important enough to bribe.") So then she has to stomp over to Castro's office and tell him to knock that shit off, but he also denies it.

Spoiler: One of these men is lying, and it's probably the one you think. (It's Eli.)

And Then There Were Two

Situation: Kalinda needs to make sure there's at least one person from Bishop's crew to corroborate Cary's version of the backstory on the CI's recording.

What makes it awkward? She needs to relay this message to Bishop without telling him which of the remaining guys is the CI.

How is order restored? It may not be? We see Bishop tell her, "Tell me who Cary needs. You don't want both witnesses to be unavailable? Then tell me. Who Cary. Needs." We don't actually see how she responds, but you should probably watch your back, Trey.

Florrick Agos holds a vote: they're now going to be Florrick Agos Lockhart (though Cary, on the phone from jail, votes against it)! Having won the ChumHum case, Alicia has gotten an advance on their fees, and she moves that they use it to pay Cary's bail! Carey is shitty about Robin not having a vote, but ultimately seconds, and they vote! BUT HOW DOES THE VOTE COME OUT?!

The mean guard comes to tell Cary he made bail! So...I guess that vote carried! That wasn't very suspenseful at all!

Diane contemplates her office! She gazes at her wrist as the second hand of her watch ticks to exactly 5 PM! She takes nothing but her photo with Hillary Clinton, and regally strides out to the lobby! And soon she's joined by all the other senior LGC partners that Dean convinced to jump ship with them! Diane quietly says "Goodbye" to the office as the elevator doors close and she prepares to start her new life!

Gunter is already stripping off his shirt when Alicia joins him in the elevator! She asks how he is! He asks if there's hot water again yet! She thinks there is! Gunter: "Then I'm good." He asks after her, and she says she's not sure: "The future's weird." He changes the subject to 9/11 -- it was "a plot," in his view, and the vagueness of what kind of plot it was makes me wonder what was in the original script that CBS got scared of broadcasting (I mean, of course it was "a plot," no one thinks it was an accident; it's just whether you believe the real story or the Loose Change crackpots) -- and then the elevator doors open and there's Cary!

Tieless! There's some faux-bravado-y small talk, and then...

"It's the first time we've done this, isn't it?" notes Cary. "I think so," Alicia confirms. I think even if you're basically frenemies at heart and always will be, when one of you gets out of jail, the hug is non-negotiable. Now GO GET A TIE, HIPPIE!