The Good Wife Cooks Up Another Opportunity For Campaign Managers To Spar Behind The Scenes

Age Against The Machine

Situation: After the events of the last episode, Howard's decided that he wants to take action against Lockhart Agos -- specifically, he wants to bring an age discrimination suit against the firm, and he wants Alicia to represent him so it's a revenge twofer.

What makes it awkward? A lot. For starters, Alicia doesn't want to take his case because she thinks the partners probably want to get rid of him because he doesn't do anything -- a view that, having worked with him, she shares. She offers him some advice (which, when he asks if they're "on the meter," she specifically says is free): he can't bring a suit if he quits, so he should make every possible effort not to get fired for cause. He seriously doesn't know how to do that, so she has to lay it out in no uncertain terms: "Work harder. Bring more money to the firm. And they won't have a rationale to fire you. Lay the groundwork: keep a journal of every incident of ageism you encounter, with details -- who said or did what -- and don't give them cause to fire you." And he does: when Howard tells the gathered partners at a meeting that he's settled a particular case, Cary cracks, "Someone had a good nap." As everyone's laughing, Howard asks him to repeat it, and I guess because it's Cary's first day as a lawyer, he does; Howard duly documents the incident.

But the other matter Diane wants to discuss at this very same meeting is that, after a prospective summer intern Diane had wanted to mentor had burbled a bunch of bullshit about how she wasn't sure she could do it because she didn't want to lose too much time she could otherwise spend with her new boyfriend, Diane's missing her last mentee, and thinks they could give some of their overflow work to Alicia and help her out. The partners agree, and Diane goes to Alicia to ask if she wants the business; the meeting is very cordial considering how things have been between them recently, which I personally like to see; these two should be pals and Diane should work some of her mentoring magic on Alicia's wardrobe.

BUT then David overhears Howard on the phone telling Alicia he doesn't want to bring a suit after all, and goes straight to Diane and Cary to report that Alicia's advising Howard on how to attack the firm. Diane goes back to Alicia's to accuse her of using Howard to get back at Lockhart Agos/Diane in particular; Alicia denies that she's representing Howard, but when Diane asks whether she didn't advise him on this matter, Alicia has to sigh that it's privileged (but is it, if he didn't pay her?), and that's all Diane thinks she needs to hear to confirm her worst suspicions.

How is order restored? Howard steps up his efforts at the office and makes himself a lot harder to fire. No, seriously, he does. Stand by.

I Want A New Drug

As Alicia represents Roland, Lucca represents Scott, the drug dealer who was arrested along with him in the middle of a deal. Alicia tries to plead for a low bail on the basis that the arrest has caused Roland to lose his job, but the ASA, Harry McGrath (Luke Kirby!!! I cannot get enough of him, and fortunately for me, neither can all of TV this year), argues that the bail amount should be tied to the street value of the drugs that were seized -- $2 million -- and Judge Schakowsky agrees and sets both defendants' bail at $300,000. Bad start.

Then McGrath comes to tell Alicia and Lucca he's got an exploding deal: one of these defendants will get a one-year sentence if he rolls on the other, who'll get twenty-five years. They've got forty-five minutes to figure out who's going to get what. Both attorneys spring into action!

While Lucca's giving Scott the hard sell on snitching to get the one-year sentence, Alicia actually listens to Roland to find out what his deal is. Turns out Roland had a brother who died of a GHB overdose, and in order to give his death meaning, Roland took it upon himself to try to synthesize a version of the drug that would be safer. But HERE IS THE THING: what he's made is not actually an illegal drug -- not when he sells it, and not when the buyer takes it. HMMMM.

Alicia runs out to tell Lucca not to make the deal, and explains the situation. Lucca says it doesn't matter; the drug Roland made, as a GHB analogue, will just get treated the same by the court. But Alicia urgently tells Lucca, "They're just trying to get us to jump because they know it's an unlisted drug! Don't make the deal!" Uh oh! Lucca already did. Alicia: still too slow! "You just sent your client to jail for no reason," Alicia snaps. I'm not sure guilting her is going to solve anything, Alicia.

Alicia springs into action, calling Grace and telling her to get Jason investigating the case -- first, he needs to find an expert witness to talk about drugs. Grace, warily, asks whether this is for a paying client, and Alicia's like, maybably???

Then Eli -- who's getting sabotaged by Ruth with the old "the meeting moved up half an hour" bit, moved into an insultingly small "office" that clearly was a supply closet until two hours before and still has lockers and reams of paper in it, and ordered to make Alicia double the number of days she committed to working on Peter's campaign -- shows up to tell Alicia she needs to go on Mama's Homespun Cooking with Veronica. Alicia: "I'm a little too busy to deal with just random words spouting out of your mouth." Eli promises that she can be herself on the show, and that if she says yes to this she'll be able to say no to a dozen other things. Alicia wants to know why she can't just say no to a dozen other things right now. Eli busts out a koan right in her face: "Because you want to steer events, you don't want events to steer you." Wisely, he then turns and leaves before she can ask any follow-up questions!

Then Howard calls, because he met Jackie in the elevator outside Alicia's and digs her chili (I'm paraphrasing): he wants Jackie's number to ask her out. WHAAAAAAT

Roland and Scott end up in front of the judge again, with their attorneys. Roland pleads not guilty. Lucca hesitates for a while, but finally tells Scott he should also plead not guilty, and he does. McGrath throws a shit fit about Lucca's having backed out of the deal they'd made, but Schakowsky DGAF and lets her. Alicia and Lucca say they're going to motion to dismiss, which will happen after lunch. McGrath comes over and threatens Lucca -- "You screw me like that, I'll screw you back" -- but she snaps, "Have at it" and lets him tell it walking. But then, as soon as McGrath's gone, Lucca warns Alicia, "Okay, I just made an enemy I don't need. This better work." I'm not sure how worried Alicia is about making an enemy of another no-name lawyer like herself, but sure, that's a strategy!

Now We're Cooking With Evil Gas

Who called the meeting? Eli.

What's it about? He's pitching Veronica on the Mama's Homespun Cooking appearance.

How'd it go? Once they get past the awkward chair choreography, it's pretty delightful.

Stick To The Script!

Schakowsky having thrown out Alicia and Lucca's attempt to get the case dismissed on the basis that if Roland's twist on GHB isn't actually a controlled substance the government recognizes, Lucca's got another idea: they can argue intent. For Roland's actions to be illegal, he would have to know that he was making an analogue drug. Alicia says he did, and Lucca says that may be the case, but he hasn't actually testified to that yet. Lucca's client didn't know he was buying an analogue: he thought he was buying GHB: he can only be prosecuted for buying an analogue drug if he knew that's what he was doing, but he didn't. This gambit only works for Roland, though, if he didn't know he was making an analogue.

So Alicia goes back to Roland and explains the situation verrrrry carefully. He can't be convicted of making GHB, because what he made wasn't GHB. He can be convicted of making an analogue. But if he thought he was making GHB, then he's golden. Alicia says, "So what were you trying to make?" Cut to:

Schakowsky is not an idiot, and calls the analogue angle "a little cute." "This is semantics," complains McGrath. "No, it's the law," says Schakowsky. "You know the difference? I get a gavel." Hee hee. (Note to self: get a gavel.) So McGrath goes ahead with his cross. How did Roland learn how to make GHB? The internet. Why give it a different name? Marketing. Seems like he's better at marketing than chemistry if he set out to make one thing and ended up with something else: "That's a failure." Roland starts to get hot, denying that he failed. McGrath suggests that Roland knew he was making something that would save lives, "not like GHB." "THAT'S RIGHT," snaps Roland. MOTION DISMISSED.

Hey, maybe if your smart lawyer feeds you a strategy and you decide to go with it, GO WITH IT and don't let yourself get tripped up by your own vanity, ding-dong. That's why she gets paid the laughably tiny bucks.

New Client, Who Dis?

Alert Type: Fraudulent Identity Alert.

Issue: Alicia's just had her motion dismissed when Grace calls with breaking news: this guy is a ghost! There's no record of him at Stanford, or at IBM, and the address on his arrest record is a residence currently occupied by a Cuban family.

Complicating Factors: Grace, with the help of an offscreen Zach, ran facial recognition software on his mug shot (uh, okay), and turned up a photo of Roland -- or "Roland" -- in a suit hanging with a bunch of FBI agents (UH, OKAY, SURE, WHY NOT).

Resolution: Alicia tells Roland she knows his story is bullshit. When he denies it, she tells him she's going to go to Schakowsky and have herself removed as Roland's attorney, but he's got an answer for that: "I don't think you want me going to the judge and telling him how you got me to perjure myself....'You can't be convicted of making GHB if it wasn't GHB'?" "I never told you to lie," says Alicia. "In fact, I explicitly told you not to lie." "Let's let the judge decide," says Roland.

Spoiler: Alicia's about to jump to all kinds of really overly complicated conclusions with this punk.

Too Many Cooks

Alicia and an only-wine-drunk Veronica head into Alicia's kitchen to shoot their episode of Mama's Homespun Cooking. Even though Eli had told Alicia she could be herself, she starts out doing what she imagines he would actually want her to, claiming she balances her busy life with the help of her mother. Mama Jill, the host, turns to Veronica to ask what her go-to meal is these days, and Veronica drawls that these days she's ordering a lot of pizza. Mama Jill giggles that there's nothing wrong with that, "every once in a while" -- MESSAGE RECEIVED, BITCH -- and changes the subject to the meal they're going to be making today: Veronica's "special lasagna." Alicia tightly says she can't wait to taste it, and Veronica pounces: "You may have noticed the tone in Alicia's voice, the irony in it. I guess I just wasn't a very good cook when she was growing up." Mama Jill cheerfully says that Veronica's making up for lost time, and Veronica agrees that she's stepped up. "Is that what this has been?" yelps Alicia. Veronica defensively says she's had to, ever since "you know, the issues....A mother needs to be with her daughter when things get difficult." As Alicia glares, Veronica adds, "When I say 'difficult,' I don't mean marital difficulties."

"SO WHAT ABOUT THIS LASAGNA?" squeals Mama Jill.

Making A Meal Of A Debrief

After Ruth and Alicia have awkwardly shoved past each other into/out of Eli's joke of an office, Ruth accuses Eli of having tanked the TV appearance on purpose. Eli calmly says that anyone who knew Alicia and Veronica would have known that this PR stunt had disaster written all over it -- you know, like Eli did, and tried to tell Ruth. Ruth snaps that when Eli hurts Ruth, he hurts Peter, to which Eli replies that he doesn't want to hurt either of them. I'm not totally sure Ruth believes that?

'Cause You've Got To Have Friends, For A While

Who called the meeting? Lucca.

What's it about? Their not-GHB case.

How'd it go? Lucca chirps that Alicia's client is obviously a lying egomaniac: "Do you trust him to get through trial?" Now that Alicia thinks she's being set up by "Roland," she's suspicious that Lucca might be part of the operation, and with narrowed eyes, Alicia asks, "Are you always so creative with the truth?" "I am when I've been pushed to reject a one-year deal," says Lucca. Well, Alicia thinks they should sever their cases.

So...it goes like that.

"It's A Sting"

As Lucca's client Scott testifies in his now-severed case, stating that Roland knew he was making an improved version of GHB, Alicia whispers to Roland, "This testimony is going to convict you. We need to come clean" about who he actually is. Roland's all, what about my day in court? Alicia's supposed to do what he wants! Alicia ignores him and starts to approach the bench, at which point Roland yells that he'd asked her not to do that and asks for a recess.

One Significant Look later, Schakowsky agrees...which is when Roland tells her that he's an undercover FBI agent and that this whole thing is a sting. Alicia assumes she's the target, but of course she's not: they're trying to crack down on corruption in state judiciaries. Someone's going to approach Schakowsky about taking a bribe in exchange for dismissing this case, so when the prosecution rests, Alicia should move for dismissal. She won't need grounds because he will have taken the bribe by then -- oh, and she has no choice in this. BORING.

Love Among The Raisins

So Howard takes Jackie out for dinner and puts the move on her pretty hard. When he compliments her laugh, she says her mother hated it and that she used to make Jackie eat a clove of garlic every time she laughed -- so file that one away in your "Why Jackie Is Like This" dossier. Jackie takes an emotional moment, and when Howard thinks she's upset, she says she actually hasn't been this happy in a long time.

Then they french a bunch. CUT.

Keep Your Mouth Shut?

After their conversation in his postage stamp office, Eli went to Frank Landau to ask whether he had anything to do with an FBI sting targeting Alicia, and since Landau said no, Eli's jumped to the conclusion that the actual target must be Peter. Alicia, wearily: "It's not about me, it's about the judge, Schakowsky. It's a bribery sting." UMMMM IS THAT INFORMATION THAT ELI NEEDS OR THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY IN A LEGAL POSITION TO SHARE WITH HIM? I don't recall seeing Alicia give Eli a token $1 bill to hire him as his attorney so that their conversations would be privileged, but even if she had, that information is privileged between her and Roland, regardless of what his name is. OH WELL, IT'S PROBABLY FINE.

After chewing out Alicia for betraying her with Howard (not like that), Diane recaps the conversation to David and Cary.

Diane: She is advising him.

David: Bitch.

Cary: Hey.

Then Howard waltzes in to announce that he's just landed the Food Service Union and its $33 million in annual billings! The other partners are shocked, but Howard shrugs that Ronnie Erickson, the head of the union, is the friend of a friend and was looking for new representation, nbd! Diane, David, and Cary are stunned by this evidence that Howard doesn't suck all the time!

Jackie and her very smart suit wait for Howard in his office! Ronnie is her friend! "They nearly wet themselves!" Who says old people are useless, other than Cary and me?

Then Schakowsky is in his chambers telling some generic white guy a tale of golf triumph, which GWG patiently listens to before pitching leniency in Roland's case! See, Roland is GWG's wife's niece's kid, and he's actually smart and not a criminal, really! Would Schakowsky be able to dismiss the case and give him a slap on the wrist? And since we're just here talking like generic white guys, would Schakowsky's son like a seat on a board at "Poly Tech"? Because GWG could hook that up? WHAT WILL SCHAKOWSKY SAY?!

And then Schakowsky is back in the courtroom, asking about the defense's motion! Alicia moves for dismissal, and the judge shocks her by asking what her grounds are! She carefully says that the state's case relies entirely on the testimony of his former co-defendant, whose latest testimony contradicts his earlier sworn statements; since he's not credible, the case against Roland should be dismissed! Schakowsky's all, nah.

Uh oh! Who could have guessed Schakowsky would catch ethics all of a sudden?

When they're alone, Roland accuses Alicia of having tipped off Schakowsky! Alicia denies it, and suggests that maybe he's just not corrupt. "This was a two-year investigation," Roland crabs. "We had him!" "Apparently not," mutters Alicia. Well, she finally got her wish: she's fired!

But she seems kind of rattled!

Alicia returns to bond court, and exchanges a look with Lucca! Schakowsky gives her a big pile of cases and Lucca a much smaller pile, at which Alicia, without a word, hands off a big chunk to Lucca, who smiles in forgiveness! BFFs again!

And then Schakowsky is expressing his gratitude for having been tipped off about the investigation...to Eli! He owes Eli one! Eli's glad, because he needs help with Frank Landau! ELI, YOU SON OF A BITCH! Only you would mess with the FBI to deal with your personal shit AND I LOVE IT!!!