The Good Wife Deals, Heals, And Reels In Her Season Finale

Alicia having been alerted at the end of the last episode that the jury's back with a verdict, she, Eli, and Peter are in the back seat of a car, each on his or her phone strategizing; Lucca's in the front seat doing the same, and she breaks in from her call with Diane to tell Alicia to make sure Connor's offer is still good, since usually when a verdict comes so fast, it's pro-prosecution.

And, in fact, Connor does want to make a shittier offer: four years instead of two. "My client would rather roll the dice," Alicia states confidently. (Which: her client, is it? Would that even be allowed? Or smart? And if Peter is her client, how come she's been sitting behind him this whole trial?) Whatever: the fact that the jury seems to be leaning his way has made Connor really cocky: "Your client is risking ten years in prison with a guilty verdict. Ten years. Away from his kids, away from you. Why don't you ask the Blagojevich family how they're holding up?" "You think you can play the emotional card with me?" purrs Alicia. "You think I'm going to break down and cry? Look at me. Do I look like I'm breaking down?" Apparently able to tell that she is made of stone, Connor offers three years. Alicia's not interested, but she does have a counter: "An immediate surrender. Today. Within the hour. Peter surrenders in court, no press conference, no talk about how you smeared his family. You get the press cycle all to yourself and that's the best I'll offer." Connor:

Oh, Connor. Did you maybe just want to end this exchange and get away from her wine breath?

Alicia doesn't get much time to gloat about her negotiating victory because she has to go deal with Grace: Peter's just told her he's taking the deal, and she's all crying and shit. He tries to put the best face on things, promising to be at her graduation (which I guess means she has to go herself -- sorry, dude), and when she mopes that she can't possibly go to college now, Peter tells her she has to: "You have to make us proud, you have to make your mom forget this!" I think it's more likely Alicia's going to forget Grace the second her suitcase rolls out, AS WE ALL WILL. As soon as Grace has her shit somewhat together...

...Peter excuses himself to go console Eli, who does seem very upset. In a very "getting one's affairs in order" manner, Peter thanks Eli for having always worked so hard for him, adding, "You stuck by me through the presidential. I made a mistake there with you, and I'm sorry for that." Well, that was overdue! I'm sure it will be a great comfort to Eli for the thirty or so minutes he continues to exist!

And then we're back in the courtroom, where the attorneys have apprised Judge Cuesta of the plea agreement they've reached -- which means, as Cuesta reminds us, "In accepting this plea, you acknowledge willfully arranging the mistrial of her accused murderer, Richard Locke, in exchange for the political contributions of his father"...but then before Peter can start his allocution, Cuesta reads a note he's just been handed! The jury does NOT, in fact, have a verdict! It has a question! TIME FOR SOME SCRAMBLING. Connor doesn't want Peter and his team even to hear what the question is since he's agreed to a guilty plea, but Diane immediately says the deal is off so that they can hear the question -- which is, though the members of the jury have read the transcript of the 911 call in the Locke murder trial, can they hear the call itself? Lucca walks purposefully out to the hall, shooting Alicia a sharp look as she passes. Not really necessary, Lucca, I think we all know exactly what you're about to do.

Meanwhile, Grace the aspiring law student asks, "Why is that good?" Alicia says it means the jury's focusing more on the circumstances of the actual murder and less on what Peter might have done to mess with the case, fucking duh. Hey, this might be a great time for Grace to realize the law is not her destiny. A less taxing job might be better suited to her gifts. Call centre assistant manager? Paper sales? Maybe she can be an amazing memoir writer JUST LIKE HER BROTHER!

Was Anyone Trying To Investigate This Murder At All?!

Lucca having ordered Jason to get involved in Peter's case again DESPITE HIS VERY CLEAR STATEMENTS THAT HE DOES NOT WANT TO, he's shown up in court just in time for the 911 call to be played; he starts recording it on his own phone, and makes a quizzical face at a sound that's audible not long before the victim is shot. Sure enough, that is the very sound the jury wants identified...

...so they're lucky Lucca knows the one investigator in Chicago and can go straight back out to the hall to catch him up. After playing that part of the call over and over, he goes to his default iPhone ringtones and plays a few until landing on Ratchet -- which is, in fact, the very sound on the 911 call. Jason points out to Lucca that it means someone else was present while Patty, the victim, was making the 911 call: it couldn't be her phone, since she was...on it. Seriously no one who'd been working on the case to this point was ever curious about that noise? I get that Peter's interference and possible corruption is the reason this trial is happening, but he didn't try to look into this noise in order to try to point suspicion somewhere other than Locke? Obviously, reversals like this are staples of procedurals and I don't know why I care when this is literally the final episode, but Jason solved this in about one minute. Just because he's the only investigator in Chicago doesn't mean he's the only person who's not an idiot.

Choose Your Own Adventure

Since Jason's blown Peter's case wide open, Lucca's told a distracted Alicia she should thank him, and when Alicia's like, totally, Lucca's like, "YOU SHOULD PROBABLY THANK HIM NOW," and repeats what he had told Lucca about thinking Alicia's only going to divorce Peter if he doesn't go to prison: "You tend to confuse responsibility and love." Lucca's suggested that maybe Alicia should think about what she wants her life to be now -- whom she wants to be there when she comes home at night. So, back in her bedroom, Alicia's taking a break from her work on Peter's case to listen to this song...

...and imagine the two possible scenarios available to her...

...oh, and also, one that totally is not. This is so startling that Alicia actually gets off her bed and looks down the hall toward the dark kitchen, before closing her bedroom door like she's scared to let herself consider creeping into the kitchen to see if Will is actually, somehow, there.

Not that doing so stops Alicia's subconscious from kissing Ghost Will for a little while, before shaking off the fantasy and muttering "Stupid!" at herself. It is stupid how much chemistry these two had. FUCK they were hot together.

Hi Nuñez

This unexpected pop-in from one of the smartest, sneakiest lawyers Alicia's ever known sends her to the office to look for a specific case she vaguely remembers from her second year at the firm, and to remember a real conversation she and Will had about it. He reminded her at the time about U.S. vs. Nuñez: "A case may be reopened when the party so moving provides a reasonable explanation for failure to present the evidence in its case in chief." Alicia can't believe Will remembered all that, and he jokes that he was the one who was awake during their Criminal Procedure class, unlike Alicia, who was apparently drunk all the time then as now. After she tests his knowledge as to their prof's name and he nails it, she smiles.

This Used To Be My Playground, And Then It Wasn't, And Then It Was Again, But Then It Wasn't....

On her way out from the forbidden floor of possible collapse with the file she needs, Alicia takes a wistful pause.

I guess we're supposed to think both that Alicia is bidding farewell to her memories of the times she and Will spent there being slightly shady lawyers together and ALSO that we are supposed to bid farewell to this now-empty floor of an office building where so much shit has gone down, but like, Alicia's already said goodbye to it a couple of times. I think the Kings lost the right to make it nostalgic two Florrick ding-dong-ditches ago.

Let's Hear It For The Boies

How Sharper Than A Serpent's Tooth It Is To Have A Thankless Chief Of Staff

Alert Type: Political Animal Alert.

Issue: Peter's having casual, off-the-books meetings with big donors in the lobby of a hotel across the street from the courthouse, to assure them that although he's in the middle of another embarrassing legal situation, it's almost certainly definitely probably going to blow over.

Complicating Factors: Dwight, the first guy Peter talks to, tells him he's already talked to Eli about this, and Eli explained the new world order: "Alicia divorces you, she runs for office, we invest in her. It's good! Especially when you look at her approval ratings." This is news to Peter!

Resolution: Peter confronts Eli about this maneuver, but Eli explains why it's the smart play: it keeps these big Peter supporters from finding other non-Florrick candidates to give their money to. Even if Peter keeps his office, he's tainted by the (latest) scandal. Peter peevishly asks how it is that he's not also tainting Alicia, but Eli has an answer for that too: "Because she will divorce you, and it will be seen as a move of independence." (However, Eli also says she doesn't know anything about this plan, which, maybe he wants to talk to her? If she was very opposed to having anyone tell her what to do as a candidate's wife, I'm not sure how receptive she's going to be to taking direction as a candidate. Also, she still has great approval ratings? After her own electoral scandal? SURE, WHY NOT.) Peter can't really argue with Eli's logic, but he's still sad about it.

Spoiler: Even Peter loyalists might be hesitant to back Alicia for any office after her upcoming performance.

GET ON WITH GETTING IT ON

Alicia and Jason are waiting outside Cary's classroom, because apparently it took him three days to get a job as some kind of law school instructor (sure, why not), when she mentions that Lucca had told her she should talk to Jason. This is at least college, guys, not middle school, GROW THE FUCK UP. Jason is instantly exhausted by the prospect of having his 4000th Talk about his relationship with Alicia: "My head hurts every time I try to figure out what it is you want, what I want, and how those two things may coincide. Look, your husband needs you. I think sometimes you need to be needed. Keeps you from tipping over." Alicia takes a moment, and then, as class breaks up, leans forward and murmurs to Jason, "Wait for me. Okay? Just wait."

As Alicia pulls away, Jason looks like he's drunk on her scent. Or maybe -- spoiler -- he's just getting a good whiff so he has it memorized for when he blows town and changes his phone number and never, ever sees her again, NOT EVER. (...Spoiler.)

Make Me Wanna Shoot

Who called the meeting? Jason and Alicia.

What's it about? Dismantling the prosecution's case against Peter -- this time, by trying to find the bullets that went missing.

How'd it go? It starts badly: Cary still hates Alicia and doesn't really feel like helping her husband, poutily suggesting that they go talk to Matan instead. But then Jason starts to change Cary's views on the matter with cold logic. Even if Peter wouldn't sign off on a search of the evidence room, someone else could have done it after he was out of office. There was a metal detector outside the room. Alicia even says that if Peter did it, he did it, but that she wants to find out the truth either way. And it works, because Cary looooooves the truth.

Alicia vs. Grace

Alicia and Jason return from talking to Cary with a witness in tow, and Diane quickly wraps up her languorous direct on Boies.

Diane announces that she has the witness whose phone was heard on the 911 recording...but before we can get to one of the actually interesting parts of the story, Alicia has to notice that Grace is there. Alicia hisses at her that she's supposed to be on her way to Berkeley (...she is? Was Alicia going to say goodbye to her before she left?), but Grace tells her that's not happening: "I'm staying." Alicia yanks her out to the hall to discuss it, but Grace is resolute: she's already called Berkeley and arranged to push her enrollment a year. "I'm not going to the west coast while Dad's in trouble," she says. "You wouldn't do it; I'm not going to do it either." "This isn't about me!" yelps Alicia. "This is about your future!" "Right," says Grace. "And I get to decide my future."

Winner: No one. WHOOOOOOOOO CARES.

Time For Some Fancy Footwork

You're Not The Office Tina Turner, Alicia

Connor's got a new office for Peter: "One year." But it's real jail time, not probation. Alicia turns him down flat, whereupon Connor remembers that he met Alicia years ago -- pre-scandal -- in 2008, at an Equal Justice conference where Peter was giving a speech. Connor says she was fun; they talked about their kids, and Alicia told him that the terrible twos are nothing compared to what CBS has him say are "the freaking fours" but if you know a parent you know that middle word is not the one they use. (Usually while flipping their brats a middle finger behind their backs.) But, Connor comments, that was a long time ago: "Not many laughs now." "Really?" replies Alicia. "I don't make you laugh now? The wife of someone you're prosecuting for corruption doesn't amuse you?...Hey, here's a thought: You give my husband one year probation, no jail time, and I'll work up a demure smile for you."

I GATHER that I'm supposed to think this is a great feminist fist-pump of a moment for Alicia, replying to Connor's gendered criticism by sarcastically pointing out its sexism, but given that (a) this entire show and specifically this season-ending arc is about Alicia bowing to exactly those gendered expectations of her -- and doing so WITHOUT QUESTION OR HESITATION, ALSO, and (b) what she's about to do to Diane, who at this point is practically her sister, I'm not buying it.

Anyway, Abbi and Ilana did it better.

Woman-on-Woman Crime

Situation: Jason and Alicia somehow actually did get Cary all fired up about finding the bullets, and after enlisting Matan's help, they've searched a bunch of other evidence boxes and found them. Not only that, but Diane's already sent them out for fast-tracked testing by guess who, and when she's in telling Cuesta about it, she tells him the results are on their way!

What makes it awkward? Kurt's not sure Diane's going to want him to testify: his testing shows that the bullets definitely did come from Locke's gun, so Peter would have had a reason to bury them. So, first, Alicia and Diane have to go back into Cuesta's chambers and try to get Lucca to quit convincing him to let them admit the testing into evidence.

(While all of that is on pause, Alicia comes home, just like in her fantasies, and finds in the kitchen...Peter. And without a glass of wine for her. He tells her he didn't do it, but she shrugs, "It doesn't matter. The jury's deliberating anyway." "It matters to me," says Peter. I guess we're supposed to think this is important? But it still seems pretty ambiguous to me; after all this time, Peter's word doesn't mean much to me.)

The next day, the awkwardness continues: Connor's called Holly to testify about the ballistics test she just performed on the bullets, which she says came from Locke's gun. Alicia wants Diane to call Kurt; Diane doesn't, but then the question is moot anyway because Connor calls him.

This leads to a screaming fight back at the office between Diane and Alicia, I guess because Alicia thinks Diane knew Kurt was going to be called and kept it from her because she didn't see Kurt's face OR Diane's when this was going down? Anyway, since Kurt is testifying for the prosecution, Alicia automatically starts talking about how they can undercut his testimony -- with, for instance, his earlier testimony that the bullets might NOT have come from Locke's gun. Diane says she is the reason he testified to that in the first place, and refuses to do anything to impugn his integrity. "Because he's your husband?" asks Alicia. "Because he's honest," says Diane. "He can't be undercut." I do think Diane believes that, but I also think if they weren't married she would absolutely try to discredit him on cross, even if they were friends; it's just business! That's basically what Alicia says, except meaner and more sarcastically: she reminds Diane that Peter is her client and that she's supposed to defend him zealously. Diane insists that besmirching Kurt's reputation would be a strategic error and that if Peter agrees with Alicia, he should fire Diane.

Then Diane leaves, and Alicia tells Lucca she needs her help.

And THEN, fuck, after Kurt's finished on direct, Diane says she has no questions on cross...but Lucca gets up and says she does.

You know Alicia knows she fucked up because she barely even tries to hold Diane's gaze. Lucca does all the things you'd expect her to do to make Kurt look shady: have him say he just retired so he looks old; imply collusion between Kurt and Holly; asking whether he and Holly had an affair.

Diane listens, frozen in horror. But when Lucca asks again about an affair, Diane gets up and, in silence, strides out of the courtroom.

Alicia feels like the asshole she is.

How is order restored? Very satisfyingly, in the bowels of a fancy hotel. We'll get there.

After all the business with the ballistics went nowhere, Connor's ready to offer Peter one year probation. Alicia says they could wait for the verdict, but Connor says Peter won't want to: "He's guilty." "We'll consider it," says Alicia. "Do, he won't get better," says Connor. "And we've got less than ten minutes here," he does not add.

Peter asks what Alicia thinks, and finally she tells him if it were her, she'd take it: "It's amazing we've come this far. This jury is unpredictable." And with this plea, he won't spend a day in jail. Peter mopes that his career will be over, though. Alicia: "I think it's over anyway, isn't it?" No point sugar-coating it anymore, I guess!

As Alicia walks Peter out, he tells her he's going to take the deal: "But I need one more favour. I'll announce tomorrow. Stand by my side." "Sure," Alicia shrugs, because empty gestures are the kind she does best!

When Peter's left, Alicia looks around her empty apartment and asks herself, "What do I do now?" You WRAP IT UP, JESUS, LADY.

But what Alicia's actually going to do is take some relationship advice from Ghost Will, who tells her, "Go to him. You're done with Peter. Like a fever. It's over." "Jason's not you," Alicia understates. "Very few people are me," Ghost Will jokes. "He's a boy," snits Alicia. "He likes boy things." "You like boy things!" counters Ghost Will. (Does he...mean...literally boy things, as in their parts? Or is he trying to act like her crime procedural obsession is a boy thing?) Anyway, Alicia denies it, and Ghost Will tells her she has no self-awareness, which is certainly true. He adds that if she's unhappy with Jason, she can blame Will. But he tells her that living alone will drive her crazy. "You're right," she says, an epiphany about to dawn. "Then go to him," Ghost Will advises. "It's not too late."

Alicia starts to go, but comes back, weepy. "I'll love you forever," she tells Ghost Will. "I'm okay with that," Ghost Will tells her.

And then Ghost Will tries to smooth her ratchet wig one last time, because its shittiness is obvious EVEN TO THE DEAD.

Alicia is giddy with anticipation as she prowls the (for now) LAL offices looking for Jason, but Lucca tells her he left; she doesn't know where he went and he's not picking up his phone. Alicia calls him and leaves a message: "It's over. Peter's taking the plea. My daughter is going to school. And I-- I need to see you. Call me back, please." Hey, both you twats should enjoy your time on this floor while you can because I'm pretty sure once Diane's homicidal rage at you has lowered to merely wanting to scratch your eyes out, you are both getting so, so fired.

But I guess he doesn't, because then it's the next day and Peter's reaching for Alicia's hand at his press conference and walking with her to the podium.

Alicia is more spinxlike than ever (though at least they beat that wig into some kind of respectable shape) as Peter blah blahs about his deal.

Alicia glances into the wings and gets a nice, encouraging smile from Eli.

When she looks again, a little further to the right, she sees a familiar silhouette...but not for long. Peter thanks Alicia as she's obviously just about to bolt...

...and when he reaches for her hand again, she's already walking away from him.

But as she hurries through the service halls -- ignoring Peter's voice as he follows, calling her name -- she finds that the figure she saw wasn't Jason at all. And when she turns back, Diane has taken Peter's place.

OH SHIT. In addition to the symmetry -- Alicia slapped the shit out of Peter in a place just like this in the series premiere -- MAN did Alicia have that coming, and that red handprint looks great on her. How dare she interfere with real love to try to save her long-dead marriage? And why, other than reflex? What has she learned about anything from her experiences?

Apparently, she's learned to pull herself together in a hurry and resume the half a life she's been settling for, because she's too scared and weak to do otherwise. Alicia was the grubbiest political operative of them all, and the wages of Good Wifely sin are...well, not death. But that slap looked like it hurt like a bitch. And thank god, we get to close on the knowledge that Diane was our true hero all along.