The Good Wife Pretends Iowa Doesn't Make Her Want To Barf

Alicia vs. Eli

After a brief reiteration of Eli's confession from before the break (...um, happy holidays, Alicia!), Eli unwisely tries to get himself on the other side of this incredibly bad moment by explaining himself to Alicia some more. "Eli, I need you not to talk," she tells him firmly. He's not trying to hear that, necessitating that Alicia start overturning furniture to emphasize how very, very much she means it when she says she needs him to get out of her apartment like now. As Eli -- fearful but, to my mind, really not fearful enough -- starts making his way toward the door, Alicia calmly kneels down to open up the china hutch and gets out a stack of plates. While Eli stands there, uncomprehending, Alicia separates the plates into two piles, and when she's finished and Eli still hasn't left...

...she once again tries to add some urgency to her request that he get the fuck out already.

Winner: Alicia. Take a lady at her word when you've just finished telling her you were instrumental in keeping her from spending her now-dead boyfriend's last few years with him, bro, damn.

Go West. Now. Immediately.

Who called the meeting? Jason.

What's it about? He was on his way out of town on his sketchy "assignment" from Courtney when he remembered he hadn't given her the results of his one-hour investigation on the prenup he wants Howard to sign before marrying Jackie.

How'd it go? Alicia had just finished basically drop-kicking the suitcase she'd been planning for her imminent trip to Iowa and sobbing on the bed when Jason knocked, so it starts out kind of not the greatest: he can tell something's up since she's standing in a crack of the door to keep him from coming in and he can her face is not right (and not, as she claims, because she just got out of the shower). Anyway, he tells her he found out that Howard has hidden $2.2 million in a shell corporation, and she's like, cool, BYE. He remembers about the caucus when she mentions that her air of distraction is due to her trying to get out the door on this trip, and he releases her, wishing her luck...

...but clearly not happy with what will be their last in-person interaction for a long while. So Eli's attempt not to "stand in the way of [her] happiness" is already showing tremendous results. Great job, pinhead.

The Prodigal Son [Jerkoff Motion]

The Iowa caucus is such a big deal for Peter's campaign that someone's even dug Zach out from whatever cold storage facility he's been sitting in all season and produced him to participate in this episode. Did you miss him? I DIDN'T. (Also, he's been attending Georgetown. WHY IS THIS FUCKER ORANGE.)

Ruth vs. Josh

On the bus, Alicia takes a break from supposedly reading Jane Eyre on her Kindle, from behind her sunglasses, and listening to Clem Snide when Peter calls her in to be the deciding vote in the current dispute. Ruth is very excited about possibly pulling off a Full Grassley: visiting all 99 counties in Iowa before the caucus. She thinks this will get them positive news coverage, which will be important in swaying voters Peter's way. Josh disdains the idea that old media coverage is that meaningful anymore: "Nightly news coverage worked when Kennedy was running, so...." But, of course, those are the sides as we know them; since Alicia's had her headphones in all day, she doesn't know who's in favour of what, and asks. As soon as she learns that Ruth supports a Full Grassley, so does she.

Man, Eli was REALLY overcome with conscience if he didn't consider the timing of his announcement and try to forestall exactly this eventuality, did he? What happened to the strategist we all love?! This wiener sucks.

Winner: Ruth.

Money Changes Everything

Alert Type: Secret Nest Egg Alert.

Issue: In her meeting with Jackie, Howard, and David Lee, Lucca (representing Jackie) brings up the $2.2 million Jason found in Howard's name. David's like JUST ONE SECOND NO BIG DEAL BRB and pulls Diane and Cary out of their own uncomfortable meeting (of which more anon) to tell them they have a problem: it's settlement money he didn't want Alicia to get her hands on. "You committed fraud," breathes Cary. "No, I committed selective depositing," oozes David.

Complicating Factors: Now that Howard knows about this money, Howard -- being Howard -- is not that excited about playing along with David's "clerical error" story and tell Jackie and Lucca that the money belongs to the firm. David offers him $10,000, but Howard wants half.

Resolution: David eventually persuades Howard to tell Jackie it's the firm's money -- and Howard does, for a while, until he can see Jackie start to sour on him, whereupon he sends out the (other) lawyers and tells her the truth. But Jackie is pretty certain that Howard's constantly changing story is proof that his mental competence is in question, and tells Lucca to arrange for her to get full power of attorney over Howard, effective immediately.

Spoiler: Jason's very good, even from a car, two time zones away, and full of San Francisco smoothie.

More Like A Job Unfair

Situation: Sharon Creech of the Illinois Fair Employment Practices Agency has opened an investigation into Lockhart Agos Lee after receiving a complaint about the firm's discriminatory hiring practices. The complaint, of course, came from Monica -- though she filed it with the EEOC, the agencies work together -- and is completely remorseless in copping to it when Cary and Diane confront her about it. She offers to withdraw it, but it's too late.

What makes it awkward? No white person in a position of power likes his or her racism to be pointed out, never mind enter the public record. And Diane and Cary are going to have a hard time looking Ms. Creech in the eye once they know she's seen the video Monica made; though Monica did take it off the internet, she attached it to her complaint.

How is order restored? Diane declares that they're going to have to apologize for the way Monica's interview was handled -- and, specifically, that Cary's going to have to do it since he was recorded saying that the firm doesn't hire African-Americans. Cary argues a little, but when the time comes, he handles it smoothly. Ms. Creech states that she's found Lockhart Agos Lee has "fostered a racist culture." Cary doesn't disagree, and he's got an answer alllllllll ready.

Cary asks Ms. Creech whether that will satisfy the agency, and she's like, pretty much, later! "You used the FIPA complaint to get what you wanted all along," sniffs Diane once Ms. Creech has gone. "No, I did what needed to be done to save the firm," Cary replies. Well, you're both right/pretty gross.

Hear Ye, Hear He

The Rapprochement, Part I

Alicia plainly can't stand anyone on the campaign bus (possibly including her children), but since she has to talk to someone, she apparently chooses the person whose receipt of her attentions is most likely to injure Eli: Ruth! While Peter stops at his first of the day's three counties, Alicia drifts over to Ruth, who says she hopes the campaign isn't over tomorrow, since she'd like to get to know Alicia better. "Why?" asks Alicia blankly. This is as good a place as any to note that since her plate-throwing, suitcase-dumping temper tantrum at the top of the episode, Alicia has been behaving like she's taking a Xanax about every twenty minutes: serene, maybe a little dreamy. Ruth says that Alicia's interesting (debatable): "You don't let things confuse you." Alicia fixes her gaze on a point in the middle distance and says she used to think she knew what life was about, but then she realized she doesn't have a clue. Ruth tells her to cherish that moment of epiphany: "When you realize you don't know what life's about -- that's truth." Alicia wonders whether Ruth thinks she could have been happy making a different decision with regard to her life, but Ruth firmly says she doesn't: "You can't control fate. It's in your genes. Can't change that." Alicia asks whether that means, whatever decision Alicia made, it still would have brought her here? Ruth says she'd have ended up here, or somewhere like it. (...Kansas?) "At the end of every fork, there's a cliff," says Ruth. "Go ahead, take the road less travelled. You'll still find that cliff." Alicia muses, "I think if I could go back to Georgetown right now -- back to Criminal Law 101, Seat 35L; that was my seat -- I would've said yes." "Yes to what?" asks Ruth, as though it wasn't pretty self-explanatory. Alicia says there was a young man who was in love with her...and doesn't get any further than that before Ruth quickly says they'd better get her back on the bus. (Too bad Ruth's about to find out the bus isn't really any safer, SPOILER ALERT.) Alicia says she's good. And these two seem like they're on their way to being good with each other, even if only because circumstances have made all other options so unappealing. ELI.

Speaking Of Unappealing: Loose Meat!

Alicia vs. Eli, Again

Back on the bus after the first stop, Eli excuses himself from an interview with Ted the idiot reporter about, per Ted, "the Full Monty," parks himself next to Alicia's seat, and begs her for five minutes of her time: "It's a nightmare just watching you like this." "You know what the nightmare is?" asks Alicia calmly. "Being here, when I want to be home. Being on a bus in the middle of Iowa. That's the nightmare. Now leave me alone." I mean, brrr, but also, give a lady twenty-four hours to digest your devastating news before crawling up her ass all the time, Eli!

Winner: Alicia...but only for the moment.

The Rapprochement, Part II

Staffers have just figured out why Peter got such a chilly reception at his second of the day's three stops: it's because Ted's producer was recording Alicia when she was bitching to Eli about what a "nightmare" this is, and posted the footage online. Ruth orders Alicia to make an apology: "Say it was only 'a nightmare' to be here because you were concerned for your children; Grace has a cold and you wanted to be home with her." "Does Grace have a cold?" asks Alicia, not seeming to care about the answer either way, which is good, because the answer seems to be "nyes": "Sniffles," shrugs Ruth. Alicia, who possibly graduated to Ativan at some point today, placidly agrees.

Once that's accomplished, Ruth reopens the question of first love, telling Alicia her own story. Ruth was in love with a pollster when she was a "lowly volunteer" on a campaign: "I won't tell you what campaign 'cause it will date me." But he wanted children, and Ruth didn't, so it didn't work out. But she remembers everything about the last time she saw him -- on the street, when the light had just turned yellow, and he was going in one direction while she was headed the opposite way: "And it was the best kiss of my life. The absolute best." For a long time, she wondered whether her life would have been better if she'd stayed with him -- but that ended last year when she found out he'd gone to prison for mail fraud.

"Whatever you think you could've changed in your life," says Ruth, "or in his: you couldn't." "I don't know if that's true," murmurs Alicia. "It is true," whispers Ruth. "You know why? I just told you." Dark! But also, maybe Alicia could use more friends who tell it like it is? Lucca was a good start, but she's still just a kid; she can't bust Alicia with her heartbreaking life experiences the way someone like Ruth apparently can.

Speaking Of Unappealing: Seriously Enough With The Loose Meat, Iowa!

What A Bunch Of Caucus-Suckers

Can I shorthand, like, ten minutes of total tiresomeness? Cool. Apparently all of the volunteers who were supposed to be at this vote just straight didn't show up -- literally, Peter's table is completely deserted.

So Ruth orders the non-candidate Florricks to go around and try, in just half an hour, to pull twenty-nine defectors in order for Peter's campaign to be viable. It seems like they're not going to be able to do it! But then they do! But then the guy counts and they're one short! And the guy won't give them more time to find out where she went, but then he does! And it turns out she went to the Clinton camp! But then the Florrick Fanatic rolls up and his enthusiasm draws some more people toward the Florrick table, and before you know it, Chris Matthews is on TV reporting that Peter just won Polk County "in a surprise upset!" DEMOCRACY IS FASCINATING!

Ladies Looking Out For Ladies

Jason calls Lucca to tell her the açai berry-fueled sleuthing he did at her request has confirmed that Howard was not the one who set up the shell corporation -- David was -- but that Alicia would probably know more about why he would have done it. Once the business is out of the way, Lucca tells him not to become a stranger. "You know me," he drawls. "That's what I mean," she says. "I do know you. And I like Alicia." "Ouch!" Jason jokes. "What'd I do?" "What you always do," says Lucca evenly. "Flirt with everyone?" Jason:

HE KNOWS WHAT HE DOES.

That's A Real Kick In The Caucus

Despite that nail-biter of a delegate-rustling earlier, when the networks announce the projected winner, it's...Hillary Clinton. Followed by Bernie Sanders. Followed by Martin O'Malley. Followed, in a distant fourth place, by Peter Florrick. I feel like Martin O'Malley, watching at home, is probably pretty psyched that anyone thinks he could beat one other Democrat in the field. For real, if Peter Florrick's name were to show up on actual ballots along with O'Malley's, I think Peter might have the edge. Sure, he went to prison, but: fictional prison! Anyway, anything worse than a second-place finish meant Peter's campaign was dead, so I think fourth means he has to immigrate to another country.

Damn, from the loose meat to the poor campaign organization to THIS, what member of the Good Wife writing staff got robbed or dumped or run over by a truck in Iowa?!

Jackie wakes Howard from his office nap to tell him she's sorry for doubting him, and that they can probably just go ahead and shred that prenup anyway! Howard notes that Peter seemed pretty serious about it, but she replies that he's not going to care about that after tonight: "He lost the presidency." Howard's sorry, and so is Jackie, who adds, "I hope we have some time together." "We will," says Howard. "Promise." By the law of TV I assumed that meant he would die before the end of that sentence, but it looks like they'll have at least one more episode in which to bask in each other's dry, papery love!

On the bus, Eli attacks Ruth for convincing Peter he could win the presidency! Ruth shoots back that attacking the frontrunner and alienating voters is exactly what Eli would have done -- and he says he would have for any other candidate, but not this one! He says she was with Peter non-stop for months and missed the most fundamental fact of Peter's candidacy: "Peter Florrick is not #1. Not nationally. She is." Ruth wearily tells Eli that everyone knows "Hillary's a giant." "No, not Hillary," says Eli. "Alicia." Ruth:

After getting her Clem Snide on some more, Alicia decides she might as well be a...ahem...GOOD WIFE, and goes to console Peter.

This seems like a nice moment for Peter.

But Alicia is dead inside. But like, more so even than usual.