Weird Client Is Still Weird

Executive Producer: Richard Lupo

Alert Type: Ripped From The Headlines Alert.

Issue: A scripted procedural TV series, Call It Murder, has produced an episode pretty obviously based on the original Colin Sweeney murder case, and Sweeney's suing the studio for defamation.

Complicating Factors: Given the various other kinds of trouble he's subsequently gotten into, he's made it pretty easy for defense counsel to argue that his reputation can't be defamed. Also, since Sweeney's having problems with his current wife, Renata (and she has a financial interest in his losing his board seat over this scandal if he loses the case), she decides to play mind games with him by sidestepping spousal privilege and testifying about stuff he told her about the murder before they were married...which is damning.

Resolution: Sweeney whines to Alicia that Diane and Cary aren't representing him passionately enough, and while she can't afford to appear anywhere near him in the courtroom as long as she's still campaigning, she does agree to offer tricks and tips on putting his awfulness in the best possible light.

Spoiler: Alicia's attentive TV-watching habits -- honed on her beloved Darkness At Noon -- are really going to work to Sweeney's advantage.

That Expression Is "False Flag," Everyone

Who called the meeting? Prady.

What's it about? A robocall recorded in an extremely stereotypical "gay" voice has been targeting conservative homes in Evanston in support of Prady and all his pro-gay positions...except it's not actually from the Prady campaign.

How'd it go? I mean, I guess it goes well in the sense that it confirms for Alicia, once again, that she's hired people who are great at doing shady shit that takes a while to get back to her? But she's embarrassed and takes the matter to Johnny and Josh, who deny it. (Josh: "Three weeks before the election, are you kidding me? We'd wait until three days before.") After some discussion, it becomes clear that the PAC is behind it -- there's also a little cul-de-sac in which we learn that Marissa, ever her father's daughter, has been using the Twitter handle @TobyZiegler44 to tweet cryptic poll info...

...to direct the PAC as to where to spend soft money -- and Alicia tells them to tell the PAC to knock it off. "You do know we're behind," says Josh. Alicia sternly says that polling has her within the margin of error, but Josh is like, "Not polling. Cash." That's when Alicia thinks back to the screen of Prady's phone when he interrupted their backchanneling and asks them if the name Redmayne means anything to them. Aside from our latest Best Actor Oscar winner, it's also some rich dude who gives a lot of money to political campaigns. So: other than the shame of being associated with a gay-baiting false flag operation, that sitdown with Prady ends up being a good meeting for Alicia!

Of All The People To Share A Face With...

Brock Sharma

Situation: Bishop is calling in the favour Kalinda owes him: he wants her to spend the next two weeks picking up Dylan from school and driving him home.

What makes it awkward? Kalinda's already used Dylan against Bishop to get him to do what she wants. Also, this seems like a pretty pedestrian assignment for someone with Kalinda's particular set of skills.

How is order restored? We'll get there.

Old Money

My Bodyguard

Who's causing a family crisis? Dylan.

How? He's getting bullied at school by a kid known as "All-American Mike" (which, PS, I need to know how he got that nickname so I can copy every bit of it myself).

Which relatives have a problem with it? His dad.

Who's an unlikely ally? Kalinda, who despite being ordered by Bishop to report to him everything Dylan tells her on their drives, does not tell Bishop that All-American Mike told Dylan that Bishop killed Dylan's mother -- incidentally, an accurate accusation, which Dylan probably doesn't know but suspects -- out of fear that Bishop would pursue redress that would only make things worse for Dylan at school.

Spoiler: When Kalinda is there to witness All-American Mike shoving Dylan around and intervenes in her usual way, it probably goes a lot further to solving Dylan's problems than anything Bishop does later.

Skirts vs. Fruitcakes

Who called the meeting? Alicia.

What's it about? Mooching a campaign donation from Redmayne.

How'd it go? Oooooh, unCOMfortable! I mean, it starts out well, as he saves her from having to bring up the subject of his giving her money by doing it himself. But when she gets into her campaign platform spiel, he changes the subject to his own interest in "family values," praising her for having stayed with Peter for so long. Since we all -- Alicia included -- know what "family values" is code for, and since he's started getting a little handsy, she gets up to pace (and put some room between them), which is when things really start going off the rails, as he tells her to sit back down: "Lemme see those pretty legs of yours." Alicia's more wearily eye-rolly than offended by this, and when he follows up by saying he's "got the testicles of a twenty-year-old," she gamely banters back, "Where? In your briefcase?" Redmayne chuckles and tells her he's going to give her $1 million in dark money -- not because he likes her pretty face, or her eyes, or her wig or even her legs, but for one simple reason: "I don't like fags." Alicia:

Redmayne's heard about the robocalls and he's all about it: "That's a smart way to use it." He tries to tell her a joke about "two fags on safari," and though Alicia successfully stops him from getting the whole way through it, Redmayne's not done: "Kick that fruitcake when he's down." SURE HOPE THIS MONEY STAYS DARK AND THAT YOUR GAY BROTHER OWEN NEVER HEARS ABOUT IT, LADY.

Take Some Saltpeter Before You Come Into The Courtroom

Hey, Renata? Diane's working hard to shore up your weird husband's weird reputation for weirdness, which isn't easy given how much is on the record about his interest in "breath play...shibari, S&M, and piquerism." So maybe when he starts going on about how "The genetic fact is that women respond to male domination, and the role of the mate is to dominate his mate and to discipline her when she steps out of line," you could make a bigger effort not to have an actual orgasm in the courtroom?

Discretion Is The Better Part Of Gangster Co-Parenting

Kalinda makes the mistake of thinking that Bishop will buy Dylan's explanation that the black eye All-American Mike has given him was the result of Dylan's having fallen at school, and seems frankly terrified when Bishop summons her back to ask her about it. See, he knows that it's incredibly hard to fall on your face: "Your arms instinctively shoot out to protect your head -- it's how you can tell when someone's a drunk." He's pretty sure that All-American Mike is the culprit (guys, I know the kid's a little shit, but I really can't stay mad at that nickname!), and when she asks what Bishop's going to do, he dismisses her. Kalinda goes, but only gets about four steps outside the door before turning on her heel and returning to stop whatever horrible revenge she assumes Bishop has planned...

...which turns out to be calling All-American Mike's dad, telling him about the bullying, and tersely asking him to speak to his son. After hanging up, Bishop pours himself and Kalinda each a glass of something brown and says that being a parent is the hardest thing he's ever had to do. His own father walked out on him when Bishop was six, and he swore he'd never do that to Dylan, the only thing in his life that he's actually proud of. And now this little punk, with his day trader parents, can just go and make Dylan's life hell: "What do I do with that?" "You did it," says Kalinda huskily. Are we watching the start of a Lemond Bishop redemption arc? Is this going to turn into the plotline that takes Kalinda off the show? Am I totally nuts?!

Yaya's Not The Only Top Model Alumna To Make Good

Who's that playing Alicia's Call It Murder doppelgänger in the scene Alicia can't resist vain-watching again (and it's lucky for Sweeney that she did)?

None other than America's Next Top Model Season 3 contestant Ann! Considering that Julianna Margulies has got about twenty years on her, that's a pretty nice compliment. And it's a good thing she's got an ass hot enough to watch more than once.

Diane and Cary call Miss Krause, the TV studio's lawyer, in to tell her they're pretty sure she's going to settle the case: the TV episode in question violates the shit out of their client ChumHum's copyright! Since ChumHum has deeper pockets than...anyone anywhere, Miss Krause knows she's fucked! Thanks, fake-Alicia's ass!

Prady comes to see Alicia and tell her he heard about Redmayne's donation, which he knows could make a big difference in her campaign! "He's quite a character, isn't he?" he tests. Alicia obviously knows what he's getting at, and remains placidly noncommittal, as is her wont! He (gently) presses by saying that his own campaign manager was pretty sure Redmayne was in Prady's column, but then Alicia talked to him! "That happens," says Alicia. "One argument's better than another, right?" Prady pretends to agree. Deciding she'd better stop before he makes any outright accusations, Alicia rhetorically asks whether this backchannel's outlived its usefulness! By way of answer, Prady says that campaigning is lonely, and that the only other person who can really understand that loneliness is Alicia! Rather than risk engaging Prady on a human level, given what she's done the past couple of days, Alicia says, "We took down the robocall. The PAC did." Prady knows! 'Um, okay, bye, gotta get back to watching this fictionalization of my client who murdered his wife and, thanks to me, totally got away with it' is something Alicia does not say but could!

At home, Alicia is sadly drinking wine when Grace comes in! "You look unhappy" is the typically weird way that Grace elicits comment from Alicia! "I was bad today," Alicia admits! "No, Mom, you weren't," says Grace. "You can't be!" "Why?" asks Alicia. "Why can't I be?" "Because you're the best person I know!" says Grace simply.

Oh boy, Grace. In the words of my esteemed colleague Sarah D. Bunting, you need to know more people!