Battle Of The Tobiases Menzies

Which is most interesting?

This answer might be different if the post you are reading were written by someone who enjoys history. But if my husband suggested that we spend our so-called honeymoon driving around the Scottish highlands while he lectured at me: divorce. Ditto if I wanted to go walk out to an old druid site to pick flowers and he made me go alone because he had to talk local history with some minister. Bro, it's 1945. You're going to make me go for a hike without a podcast to keep me company? Get bent.

Also not that interested in the dude who's spending the best years of his life oppressing Scottish people. What if he kills David Tennant's twenty-eighth-great-grandfather before he has a chance to spread his seed? I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES.

But you know who is going to be fun at a dinner party? The guy who can tell you all about the time he got shot trying to prevent a child from being kidnapped -- yes, even though the "trying" part is a little damning.

Winner: The Honourable Woman Tobias Menzies.

Which is best at his job?

Pretty sure nothing he learned in Redcoat Basic Training instructed Black Frank Randall to assault an unarmed lady within the first minute of meeting her, so not 1743 Outlander Tobias Menzies. And while The Honourable Woman Tobias Menzies is pretty bad-ass overall, letting some chav trick him into an ambush that gets him killed doesn't speak well of his talents.

Winner: 1945 Outlander Tobias Menzies.

Which is best dressed?

I'm not opposed to a fellow in a sharp military uniform, but those redcoats are dopey-looking now and were certainly not strategically advantageous then. 1945 Outlander Tobias Menzies has some nice suits for the era, but those high-waisted pants are kind of a ladyboner-killer. But I have no complaints about The Honourable Woman Tobias Menzies and his sharp suits. Even his hospital pyjamas suit him...particularly when he starts doing pushups. Fwoar.

Winner: The Honourable Woman Tobias Menzies.

Which is toughest?

In terms of toughness, 1945 Outlander Tobias Menzies is very smart. ...just kidding, but seriously, he was in Intelligence during the war, so even though his contribution to the war effort was undoubtedly extremely valuable and clever, he got to do it at a desk, probably someplace where his feet never got wet and ladies brought him tea. And while soldiers are generally pretty tough -- especially the ones who survive more than one battle -- 1743 Outlander Tobias Menzies is disqualified for attempted rape.

Winner: The Honourable Woman Tobias Menzies -- brave and stalwart right up to the second he's murdered. Oh well.

Which is best at sex?

Not The Honourable Woman Tobias Menzies, who spurns Nessa's advances even after she literally crawls on top of him, I mean hasn't he ever heard her speak?! And not 1743 Outlander Tobias Menzies, violent misogynist.

Ladies, let's put our hands together (and feet apart) for 1945 Outlander Tobias Menzies, who knows what to do when he gets the Heavy Hand, and duly goes down on his wife in the middle of a Scottish ruin.

Winner: 1945 Outlander Tobias Menzies.

Verdict

It's a real drag that The Honourable Woman Tobias Menzies had to go and get his brains all blown out like that, because even with just one big episode, really, it was clear that he was pretty cool, and if he hadn't been killed I feel like eventually he WOULD have had sex with Nessa and I would have been happy and so would she (and so would he).

Winner: The Honourable Woman Tobias Menzies.