Mother, May I Slap With Danger?

I don't know about you, but this episode is the Platonic ideal for what I've wanted every episode since the pilot to be. A whole hour with Rosie, the most fascinating mental patient on TV today? That culminates in a MEAN MEAN LAWYER cross-examining her and calling her every parenting decision into question in open court? FUCK YES. In fact, this whole miniseries could have been eight episodes of nothing but Rosie on the stand getting interrogated by Thanassis and I would have been perfectly satisfied.

As the whole cast finally careens into the courtroom, whether they want to or not, who would benefit most from a date with Harry's right-hand hand?

It's The Slap's penultimate least-to-most-slapworthy countdown!

13. Thanassis

Oh, Rosie. You are, of course, within your rights to go on the stand and tell a largely false story about how getting smacked in the face has permanently traumatized your child (although it does seem like, if you really believe it has, you might have sought some kind of therapy for him? And also it hasn't, which we'll get to). But you should then also expect that Thanassis -- who's already moved for dismissal based on your last dumb move -- is not just going to take off his gloves when it comes time to cross-examine you: he's going to whip them off like a goon gearing up for a hockey fight and beat the shit out of you. Neither you nor your husband was watching Hugo! You drank four glasses of wine and nursed Hugo "more than twice" (which...how fucking long was this barbecue?!)! And if you're such an awesome mom, how come you left your child alone at home long enough for your husband to call the cops? GOD, IT'S ALL SO GOOD.

Slapworthiest Line: n/a, he's perfect. Thanassis 2016.

12. Sandi

Sandi doesn't get any dialogue this week, but Marin Ireland does more with a couple of reaction shots than Thomas Sadoski does with his whole hour of impotent angst. First, she stays true to her promise to Aisha from last week not to put her in an awkward position with the family, shaking Thanassis off when he checks to see whether he's allowed to cross-examine Aisha.

Even more awesomely, Rosie, on direct, tells the DA prosecuting the case that the wife of The Slapper is her "friend."

Not sure you should count on seeing Sandi at many more brunches, Ro!

Slapworthiest Line: n/a, but her faces speak eloquent volumes.

11. Mrs. Bajaria

It's hard to imagine Rosie having a greater foe than Harry, but the principal at Hugo's new/soon-to-be-old school is probably a close second, because can you believe that Hugo's teacher gave him a time-out ("A WHAT?!" - Rosie), and that this principal SUPPORTS HER?! I can only guess at the kind of bullshit this poor educator has to sit through every day from her students' insufferably bougie Brooklyn parents, but describing Hugo's Quiet Time disruption and hearing back "How would you like to be told to randomly be quiet?!" has got to be in her idiot Hall of Fame, and by the time Rosie tries to defend Hugo's inability to tolerate sitting still during his first-ever quiet time by whining about The Slap and the imminent trial about same, Mrs. Bajaria's got to feel pretty good about her decision to expel Hugo. I mean, a mother who has so little self-awareness that she argues about her son getting a time-out for throwing a tantrum at school by claiming her crusade against Harry is because she's "trying to show [Hugo] that actions have consequences" is going to be a problem, like, daily.

Slapworthiest Line: "Here at the Raintree, we encourage our children to socialize in a positive, nurturing, and safe environment, Mrs. Wechsler."

10. Hugo

The first time I've thought of Hugo as having any value as a person comes when he shrugs off his expulsion from school and asks for a lollipop, something that "the fun guy" gives him. Who's "the fun guy"? "Rocco's daddy! We never see him anymore!" HAHAHA ROSIE HE'S NOT TRAUMATIZED BY HARRY! HE REMEMBERS THE CANDY MORE THAN THE SLAP, YOU RIDICULOUS BOOB!

Slapworthiest Line: Packing up for his first day of school: "I want to bring my spear just in case!"

9. Fiona

Fresh off her turn raping Michael Chernus, here's Molly Price as Ritchie's mom! And hooray, she gets to join the parade of characters telling Rosie shit she doesn't want to help her -- to wit, that it's not cool for Rosie to try to pressure Ritchie into testifying about the photo of The Slap when he's emphatically stated that he doesn't want to: "I need you to stay away from my son. You have no idea what he's been through."

Slapworthiest Line: "From one mother to another...."

8. Anouk

Well, at least she prevents Rosie from buying this dress (?) to wear to court.

But pregnancy has only made her more annoying.

Slapworthiest Line: "I just don't think this city is helping with all the rampant, brittle-ass craziness that's soaked us all lately."

7. Hector

Well, Aisha let him zip up her dress, so that's something, I guess? We should care that they're going to have a good marriage again? But getting confronted by Rosie about the CPS report causes him to react like the "sensitive" drip he's always been.

Slapworthiest Line: [tearfully] "Are you deliberately trying to destroy twenty years of friendship? Because that's what you're doing!"

6. Harry

I kind of have to put him in the middle because he's still the one who slapped a kid, but if I had Thanassis as a lawyer, I'd probably take my chances in court rather than plead no contest too. But nice try presenting him the option without telling the DA or YOUR HUSBAND, Rosie, you stupid idiot.

Slapworthiest Line: "Here's the problem: I'm not guilty."

5. Ritchie

You took a photo, Ritchie, quit carrying on about it like you were a guard at Auschwitz.

Slapworthiest Line: "THIS CAN'T ALL BE PUT ON ME! DON'T ASK ME AGAIN!!!"

4. Aisha

I rolled my eyes through her entire testimony. Bitch, we get it, you're a doctor. You're describing the effects of a hand hitting a cheek, not what happened to a body that got thrown through a windshield.

Slapworthiest Line: Tie! "There was a mark on his face at that time -- a pronounced one. There was lividity. It was the mark of a forceful slap -- angry, red"; "Could you just pop across the street, get us a couple of flat whites?"

3. Connie

I'm not sure what she expected to accomplish by going to defend Hector TO HIS WIFE (or how she even knew that Hector confessed, come to think of it), but man, that scene was dumb.

Slapworthiest Line: "You need to know that Hector ended it before it became anything." OH WORD? WHAT A PRINCE!

2. Gary

All the credit I want to give him for rolling his eyes in the principal's office at Rosie's invocation of The Slap trial to explain Hugo's terrible behaviour is erased by his stupid pickup rap in the art gallery and the noble dopey look on his face when he gets up after Thanassis's cross of Rosie to tell the DA he's ready to save the day make Ritchie save the day.

Gary, we can all tell you hate Rosie and Hugo is a constant source of disappointment. Live with your choices.

Slapworthiest Line: Another tie! To an under-30 artist at a show: "I think there's no reason to paint. But we know this, right? Doesn't put food on the table, doesn't make people around you happy, it's just this vestige from a primordial time when we scratched messages on the walls hoping someone would see us. And yet we do! And it's good." Later, after apparently sleeping with her, which is really upsetting to his lower lip:

1. Rosie

Rosie really lives down to the character she's established thus far in her gorgeous showcase episode, and god love her for it. She's pure, self-righteous fury the whole way through and I honestly could have watched her for three more hours. I've already run through all of her bad decisions here, so all that's left is to record, for posterity, her biggest howler of the week. Make sure you read it in your head with the most incoherent, unspecific "New York (?)" accent imaginable, just like Melissa George did.

Slapworthiest Line: TA-DA!