The Slaptermath Commences

The second episode of The Slap doesn't quite reach the dizzying highs of its premiere -- not surprising, since nothing could -- but its moments of (fool's) gold still glimmer in the shit. As the episode title suggests, "Harry" focuses primarily on the deliverer of the infamous slap. Here it is again, in case you forgot.

But because this show has to take the kid's side just because a large and terrifying adult physically struck him, Harry -- my hero -- must undergo a character assassination that transforms him from righteous vigilante disciplinarian to across-the-board bully, with everyone around him either cowed by his anger (his wife, Sandi; cousin Hector) or infected by it (son Rocco), with the pivotal moment coming when he follows Hector's recommendation that he go to the Wechslers' and apologize to try to forestall further unpleasantness, only for Rosie's hysterical overreaction to escalate everything even more and land him in court on charges of assault (fair cop) and "menacing" [eye-roll].

But where does he rank in the Slappiverse this week? Let's count everyone down from least to most desperately in need of a slap.

12. Judge Benjamin Huston

This fucking guy!

The judge presiding when Harry's arraigned is only the best, and so over it, and who can blame him? He works in Brooklyn. The case before Harry's probably revolved around theft of a pickle-aging barrel hand-hewn from recovered barn wood.

Slapworthiest Line: Everything out of his mouth is perfect. "Hits a kid, goes over there to what, talk to them about it? ...So then that goes sideways, so of course, kid breaks a chair. That it?" "This is an arraignment, it's not a trial, although sometimes I wish it were a trial." "You gonna go to Rio, you gonna fly the coop on us?"

11. Rocco

When Bryce (barf), one of his basketball teammates, fails to include him on enough plays, Harry's son Rocco confronts him after practice and gets in a physical fight, the consequences of which are a black eye and his suspension from play for the rest of the season. It's not entirely Rocco's fault: earlier in the episode, Harry handed him some Ayn Rand bullshit, to wit, "Life is about taking the shot...There's a difference between being on the winning team and actually winning." He also interrupted Harry, after that, apparently about to try to strangle his wife, Sandi. So Rocco's tried to get what's his the way he thinks will make Harry proud of him and stop thinking he's soft. And it probably worked, a little? Which is the problem.

Slapworthiest Line: "You never passed to me."

10. Aisha

She doesn't really have much to do but accept Connie's resignation from her clinic and wake Hector up from his jazzy reverie to go post Harry's bail. And her hair looks great.

Slapworthiest Line: "Can you still babysit?"

9. Anouk

We know Harry is probably a potentially very violent psychopath. But she doesn't. Who would decide it's more important to preserve a friendship with a shithead like Rosie than to accept a cool vintage car from Harry just for sticking up for him in court? This idiot, that's who.

Slapworthiest Line: "Listen, Harry, you come from a place where men can get away with whatever they want. But the world has changed!"

8. Sandi

Like Aisha, Sandi's not really foregrounded in this episode, but her reaction when Harry puts his hands on her suggests that it wasn't the first time, and they're still married, so that doesn't speak particularly well of her.

Slapworthiest Line: "And you'd listen to me? Really? Would you?"

7. Connie

Quitting your job at your crush's wife's clinic because you're "too busy working on college applications" is actually a pretty solid cover story. You know what would sell it a little more effectively? Not looking this guilty when you tell her your decision.

Slapworthiest Line: "I really...can't...I just...with the college applications...."

6. Harry

All the truly horrendous behaviour we see from Harry in this episode -- terrorizing one employee, banging another, physically intimidating his wife -- is clearly supposed to retroactively colour the slap and make us think Hugo didn't have it coming. But he totally did! When Harry is astonished by Hector's attempt to smooth things over -- "My own cousin has taken the side of these Brooklyn boozebags, and I'm not supposed to take it PERSONALLY?!" -- I'm kind of on his side, and not just because of "Brooklyn boozebags" but let's be real, it doesn't hurt! His last line in the episode is "They want a fight? They got a fight. But now we're doing it on my terms, and I'm gonna destroy them." I don't want him to hit his wife anymore, but I do want to see that.

Slapworthiest Line: "What's happening to this country? The weak suing the strong for being strong, the victims always finding an angle. Guys like me, what chance do we have?"

5. Hector

Slapworthiest Line: "If I can convince a Manhattan developer to put aside a few floors of low-cost housing in his golden tower on the Hudson, I can probably convince Rosie and Gary Wechsler to accept your apology."

4. Jay

No one's pressed charges against me for beating up their child (yet), but I feel like if/when that day comes, I'll probably try to find an attorney who doesn't have coke hair.

Slapworthiest Line: "This is not how this works, my fellow one-percenter!"

3. Gary

Gary is the Sandi to Rosie's Harry: clearly the submissive partner, but still guilty by association for having remained married to someone who really sucks. He probably wouldn't get the idea to call the cops on Harry for kicking over a kitchen chair on his own, but he also doesn't refuse to comply when Rosie shrieks at him to do exactly that, and then goes on to make a huge, showy disturbance at the arraignment. Dude, your wife's not here to be impressed by your spectacle of "grief," so maybe dial it back down to like a 6.

Slapworthiest Line: "Harry, I explained the rules to him. You don't have to." ("YEAH, THAT'S NOT YOUR PLACE." - Rosie.)

2. Hugo

Allows his mother to use him as a prop by breastfeeding (and playing with her hair, ew) when Harry comes over to make his insincere apology; still hasn't gotten a haircut.

Slapworthiest Line: Prompted by Rosie's question as to whether he remembers Harry: "He's the bad man who hit me. He's going to go to jail."

1. Rosie

Look, I'm just saying it's no accident that she was posed in this maternal tableau when Harry came in, the better to see her as the far-left version of a Mother Grizzly, ready to tear Harry to shreds for what he did to her cub. (I bet you a dollar that, somewhere in Melissa George's character work on Rosie, is a whole page on why Rosie won't vaccinate Hugo.) And look, it's not like I expect her to be gracious about Harry's apology -- no one thinks he means it -- but he's (phonily) expressed regret for striking Hugo? Does she really have to make a federal case of the fact that he didn't say "I'm" and "sorry" back to back? And CALLING THE COPS because you provoked a guy (by asking if he hits his wife or son, which...yeah, okay, lucky guess) and he kicked over some crappy chair you overpaid for at the Flea is the kind of madness that makes me wonder how this harpy has any friends at all. Slap her, Harry!

Slapworthiest Line: "'Costs'? The costs can't be calculated! The emotional costs! I mean, this is how people get scarred for life!"

How? I forget!

Oh, right.