Move On Dot Argh

Welcome To Yemen!

It's nice that Barbie's post-Dome career as a mercenary has brought him to Yemen: that the landscape looks so much like that of Chester's Mill must be very soothing to him! In case you're planning your own visit, here are some of the fun activities you might enjoy!

• Taking out "hostiles"
• Playing Russian Roulette with the last one to coerce him into telling you where to find the hostages you're trying to recover

• Letting him give up the information and then totally shooting him in the head anyway
• Taking a shower with your boss/new girlfriend
• Decline to share your feelings with your boss/new girlfriend
• Blow off texts from Joe about a memorial in Chester's Mill*
• Mutter your old dead girlfriend's name in your sleep

*Although, let's be honest: that's worth doing no matter where you are

Did Someone Say "Old Dead Girlfriend"?

Of course Julia and Junior aren't dead. They wake up where they were left and argue about whether Barbie's going to come back for them; Julia, naturally, is convinced that he will, and wants to go to the school to get a ladder and "supplies" so that they can ford that big-ass crack that opened up. First of all? I feel like the timing of that crack's appearance made it pretty clear what the Dome thinks of Julia and Barbie -- namely, it does not want them together and is prepared to change the earth's topography to keep them apart. Second, we were all so happy when we thought these two idiots were dead. Why don't shows ever kill the people you want them to? I know I've already said this about Scandal, but it's particularly galling here when there are so many MORE characters we'd like to see dead (all of them). All you slackers need to quit fucking around and get cracking on your movie careers so you can die and stay dead like Britt Robertson did.

Someone Kill Someone

When Junior and Julia get to the school, they discover they're not quite the last two people remaining in Chester's Mill: Big Jim's alive too, and holding them at gunpoint. After a gross reference to all the "repopulation" he'd like to do with Julia, a tangent about the plot of "Time Enough At Last," and some more arguing about whether the Dome's intentions are good or evil, Big Jim gets in close to Julia, brandishing his knife...and then uses it to cut open the ropes he had restrained her with, giving it to her to free Junior. (Wisely not filmed was the scene where Julia and Junior held still enough to let Big Jim bind their wrists with rope: was Big Jim pointing the gun at both of them somehow by holding it in his mouth?) Leaving aside the continuing issue of how cavalier everyone in this goddamn Dome is about resource management -- maybe don't be dramatic by cutting the rope, and just UNTIE IT so you can use it again another day -- why doesn't Big Jim just shoot his biggest enemy, Monarch Julia? Once Julia's successfully pocketed the knife (which Big Jim doesn't notice even though he's two feet away and looking directly at her the whole time), why doesn't she use it to slit Big Jim's throat? This isn't (just) my bloodthirstiness talking: these three fucking idiots keep having the same face-offs over and over again, and it's not like Big Jim hasn't killed other people or that Julia or Junior won't kill Big Jim because it's "wrong" or some shit: Junior already kind of tried to kill Big Jim in the S2 finale! Fucking put your long-term plans in motion and take some resistance out of your path permanently. What's that? None of you has a long-term plan? You're right, I forgot.

Anyway, as Julia and Junior are taking off to try to get across the chasm, Big Jim decides to shoot Junior in the chest -- but non-fatally, so Junior can just be in a lot of pain for a while and think about what he did, I guess? Nothing about the plot would have really changed if Big Jim HADN'T shot Junior, other than that we might not remember that Big Jim is a dick.

What's THAT About?

Alert Type: Something Is Amiss Alert.

Issue: When we cut back and forth from Julia and Junior's adventures -- here, to Barbie arriving in town for this memorial with his still-nameless girlfriend -- it's with this frosty plasticky wipe effect.

Complicating Factors: The show wants us to be unsettled or alarmed, but since this show can't stop adding mythology like it's a fucking tin foil ball, it's hard to care.

Resolution: None yet. (Is there ever?)

Spoiler: Did you see The Matrix? It's like The Matrix. But stupid.

Did Someone Say "Adding Mythology Like It's A Fucking Tin Foil Ball"?

After getting weirded out seeing all the people he used to spend all his time keeping alive at the diner, Barbie looks out the window and thinks he sees his twice-dead sister Melanie walking down the street. And so does Ben!

But did they? Or is she not on the street at all?

Great: new nonsense!

Shrinky Dink

Junior Hits

The Scene: Big Jim comes home alone.

The Symbol: A bunch of framed photos of Junior, which Big Jim shoots.

The Meaning: Big Jim sure is mad at his son! If only he'd had this good an eye when the actual Junior was six inches in front of him and bound!

Enhance!

Enhance!

Enhance!

Barbie's Girlfriend Has A Name

And thirty-two minutes into the episode, we find out what it is! (It's Eva.)

It's A Stretch

When shooting photos of Junior doesn't wash away all Big Jim's bitterness about Junior's various betrayals, he decides to MOVE ON to old home videos of Junior being a crybaby and Big Jim yelling at him about it before walking off and leaving Junior stranded in a tree, begging Big Jim to come back. But even though this footage must, given Junior's age, be from the very early 2000s, it's in 16:9?

Unless Chester's Mill is in a parallel universe with advanced video technology! CLUE?????

I Don't Get It

Remembrance Of Idiots Past

What's the occasion? It's the anniversary of the Dome coming down, and a typically small group of Chester's Millions have gathered for the dedication of a memorial wall -- which, btw, is a complete fucking mess, as you can see above -- though why should I be surprised that no one involved in creating this memorial thought it would be a good idea to arrange the names in alphabetical order? Based on the evidence of two seasons AND COUNTING, I shouldn't assume these boobs can read.

What are the refreshments? Salty tears.

Whose big public scene will everyone be talking about tomorrow? Ben's: he appears to bring Barbie the evidence he'd promised that something is Not Right in town, and starts seemingly spontaneously choking to death EVEN THOUGH he'd told Barbie earlier that since the Dome came down his asthma is gone! Turns out it's not asthma that's killing him, though.

It's Melanie!

Rapid-Fire Bullshit Melanie Sprays On Julia When The Latter Stumbles Upon The Former's Lair/Control Room Of Spiky Cocoons And Amethyst CCTV Screens

• She doesn't know what happened to her when the ground swallowed her: "It's all a blur!"
• Julia can't free everyone from their cocoons
• If she tries to extract Barbie, she'll just "end up like all the others, like Junior"
• See, even though Julia's barely been separated from Junior, what had happened was that he cut Melanie out of her cocoon and then got cocooned himself
• Melanie's "scared"
• Maybe the Egg has something to do with all this? Remember, Melanie's connected to it "somehow"?

It's A Dog's Life (For Big Jim)

This pooch keeps crossing Big Jim's path and directing him to important clues/memories and he doesn't like it. This dog is the best character on the show. Give him a spinoff.

Maybe It's Just Viral Marketing For Orphan Black!

Alert Type: Elaborate Hoax Alert.

Issue: After Barbie gets Hunter to unlock the late Ben's phone, they watch the video he'd made, in which he's documented several Chester's Millions doing menial jobs...but they all have the same face.

Complicating Factors: When Barbie asks Hunter to upload the video to his computer so he can "punch in on the face," it won't just not play: it disappears from the phone, Hunter's computer, the cloud, like it NEVER EXISTED AT ALL.

Resolution: Barbie finds a version of Ben's guy...and it's the same insurgent he totally killed in cold blood back in Yemen!!!

Spoiler: The Matrix.

Scrambled Eggs All Over This Facility

R.I.P. Barbie Sr.

You went to the trouble of putting this mystical, probably extraterrestrial Egg into a FUCKING LAPTOP BAG

and going through the red door on your property through the portal that spits you out in the middle of Contrivance Lake in Chester's Mill just to rescue your daughter from something (???). It's so much work and hassle, but it's all worth it, right? I mean, as you yourself tell her, "You're my daughter."

Good job, Dad.

Remembrance Of Things Never

Alert Type: False Memory Alert.

Issue: After running into Junior at the diner just a day after totally seeing his name on the memorial and getting caught up in memories of the time the two of them happened to meet up, along with Eva and Hunter, in Marrakesh, Barbie's not sure which memory is real.

Complicating Factors: Well, Junior's name's not on the memorial anymore.

But when Barbie asks Eva to tell him the story of how they met, Junior's in it, so he doesn't know WHAT to believe!

Resolution: Barbie decides they can't leave town until he figures out what's going on.

Spoiler: THE MATRIX.

Big Jim vs. Julia

Big Jim wakes up Julia -- lured into dropping her guard and sleeping by Melanie before Melanie went and killed up her dad -- and brings her, at riflepoint, to Barbie Sr.'s corpse. He asks her who Barbie Sr. is (or was); she tells him, assuming that Big Jim is the one who killed her, and maybe also Melanie, in order to menace the Egg, whereupon they just start having another version of the same argument they LITERALLY CANNOT STOP HAVING: is the Dome, and Dome-related phenomena like the Egg, good or evil? Julia tells Big Jim about the cocoons, orders him out of her way. Big Jim -- reasonably -- points out that he wouldn't kill Barbie Sr. and then bring her over to look at the corpse, and that Melanie obviously did it. Julia doesn't believe Melanie would ever betray her: "She's not like you!" "Well, that's kind of my point: she's not like any of us," Big Jim replies. "People are dead because of you," he adds -- correctly, but to be fair, people are dead because of BOTH of them. "Your faith in this Dome has made you blind, deaf, and dumb." Julia:

After telling him not to call her dumb again (I assume I still can?), she dares him to shoot her. He doesn't.

Winner: Who cares.

Barbie's Girlfriend Has A Name, But That's Not All!

Barbie's in the middle of confronting one of the menial-work-doing clones when Christine calls him from the hospital. When he gets there, Christine explains that Eva started bleeding, but she and the baby are going to be fine. Because she's pregnant. Seems like bad timing given that she's the Operations Manager of whatever shady shit Barbie was doing in Yemen, but sure, why not.

Stupid Is The New Black

Situation: Sam's in prison for having killed Angie, but since he's also in recovery for his alcoholism, he's anxious to make amends to Joe, so Christine -- who's been counselling them both -- has brokered a meeting between them.

What makes it awkward? After Sam gets through this whole spiel, Joe basically tells him to fuck off. He points out that in Sam's whole apology -- peppered with references to how much Sam wants to MOVE ON, of course -- he hasn't said Angie's name once, and that she can't MOVE ON. So Joe's going to hold off on forgiving Sam until after Sam's suffered the way he made Angie suffer.

How is order restored? Stand by....

As Joe moves toward the door to leave the visiting room, Sam gets shivved!

Having been advised by Christine earlier to MOVE ON, Junior's gotten a great idea as to how to forget all his bad feelings about Big Jim: he's going to light his house on fire! CLASSIC JUNIOR!

Melanie's eyes pop open!

Melanie's very ceremonially carrying the Egg toward what seems to be the alpha cocoon when Julia shows back up and asks what she's doing! Melanie places the Egg on top of the cocoon and a bunch of nonsensical bullshit starts happening -- from the sound effect, I'm going to guess the Egg is boiling?

Light starts shooting from the cocoon through the network of veins (OR WHATEVER) that connect them all!

Julia is remarkably unruffled, but then again, I guess if she got ruffled by every completely inexplicable thing that happened, she'd never get ANYTHING done! She does manage to ask Melanie who's in that cocoon, to which Melanie replies, "You'll see. You have faith in me, don't you, Julia?" Julia kind of doesn't, though, and points out that there's no way Junior could have cut Melanie out of her cocoon when Julia had Big Jim's knife! Now, I know these people have been wasteful, but is Julia saying there isn't another knife in the Dome that Junior could have had on her person? But whatever, she happens to be right here!

Oh, Julia.

Now Big Jim is creeping through the tunnel to check out these cocoons Julia told him about, and sees the one containing Junior! I don't know what we're supposed to think Big Jim is feeling about this given that HE JUST SHOT JUNIOR LIKE THREE HOURS AGO!

In his timeline/shared fantasy, Junior creates a flame on his lighter!

Hunter and Norrie, who've been drinking together, stare into each other's eyes!

Maybe dying, Sam reaches to Joe for forgiveness!

Eva, who's just gone through this whole song and dance with Barbie about how she didn't tell him she was pregnant because she didn't want to "trap" him if he still wasn't totally over Julia, asks, "Do you love me?"

The Egg continues jizzing or whatever the fuck it's supposed to be doing! Melanie, choking out Julia, assures her, "We'll fix you too!" God, PLEASE DO!

"What about me?" wonders Big Jim.

Melanie has no choice but to turn her attention to Big Jim, but whatever race she comes from, it doesn't have faster reflexes than humans, because she can't do anything to stop Big Jim smashing the Egg! The hallucination being shared by everyone in the cocoons freezes!

And then Melanie's gone, and Big Jim and Julia are, duh, confused!

Hands start poking out of cocoons as the dreamers emerge!

Junior looks hilariously embarrassed to be seen all gooey like this by his worst enemy, Big Jim, and pushes his hands away!

Barbie falls out all weak, and nice try, show, but this dumb, Star Trek: TNG-level cocoon prop is no carbonite and Barbie is no Han Solo!

And then we end on Christine climbing out of her cocoon and taking Eva's hands, and like, it's not as though I really care about ANY of these people, but I think it's safe to say we all care least about the ones we JUST MET!!!!!