Photo: James Dittiger / Lifetime
Ask The Executive Producer Of A Dating Show
Everlasting EP Quinn solves ordinary people's problems in her own inimitable way.
Our house cleaner Agnieska came to us via the recommendation of my friend Beth and has been here to clean three times. She does a good job on the big stuff, but her attention to detail isn't great, and while I've told her to make sure she moves things around on surfaces to dust them, I can tell she's not. I'm almost certain we should just part ways now, since the longer she cleans for us the harder it will be to sever the relationship if she can't do the job to my standards, but I worry that it will make things awkward with Beth. What do you think I should do?
- Evelyn
There are two ways to get your employees to do what you want: mind games, or bribes. Bring in another cleaner during Agnieska's scheduled visits, divide the house between them, and tell them that whoever cleans better will get to keep the job. Check in on them a lot as they're working to give the impression that you're everywhere at once and they can never escape your gaze; alternate compliments and passive-aggressive criticism to keep them off-balance. (If the lack of a common first language is an issue, don't worry too much about the cleverness of your digs; exaggerated facial expressions and pantomime should get your message across.) Tell each that the other is impressing you more; it'll motivate them to try to win your approval. If you sense their resolve flagging, introduce a financial incentive: whichever finishes first (to your satisfaction) gets an Uber home, on you! If Agnieska is the right choice, she'll want to prove it you. And if she's not, your backup cleaner's right there learning where everything is and getting ready to replace her. Don't let Beth factor into your decision at all. If you need to fire Agnieska and Beth gets bent out of shape about it, you've probably got backup friends to replace her, too. Or maybe not. Who has time for friends, anyway?
If these approaches aren't effective, I have found it useful to exploit a legal situation for leverage. Is Agnieska here legally? Probably not. Find out. Make sure she knows you know. You think she's going to leave any dust on your nightstand if she believes you hold her fate in her hands? I'm doing it with one of my freelancers right now, and trust me: it works.
My two good friends Selina and Toni just broke up. At first, they both insisted that they'd be adults about it and not make things awkward for their extended circle of friends, as long as we were okay with making plans to socialize with them separately. But in practice, whenever I hang out with either of them, they each just want to talk about the other, and when I say "talk," I mean "talk shit." I didn't break up with them so I feel disloyal joining in the pile-on. How can I get them to quit putting me in the middle?
- Mitch
What are you, an idiot? Why would you want them to quit putting you in the middle? The middle's exactly where you want to be! You shouldn't be wasting energy pretending to feel guilty about everything each of them is saying about the other: you should be taking very careful mental notes. Toni and Selina are giving you the inside track on all their vulnerabilities. Nod and look sympathetic. Keep quiet except when they seem like they're running out of steam: then say the least you can to prompt them to talk more. Knowledge is power, and everything they're saying can be used against them, by you, in the future. "But Executive Producer Of A Dating Show, why on earth would I ever want to use my knowledge of their insecurities to manipulate my friends?" Gee, Mitch, I don't know. But if something ever does blow up between you and either of these ladies -- or both, since if their breakup is this acrimonious it's probably just temporary anyway -- don't you want the advantage? Grow up.
I'm not proud of this, but I've been seeing a married man for several years. I wouldn't have let myself get serious about him if I hadn't sincerely believed him when he told me he intended to leave his wife when his kids got just a little older, but now, just as the younger one is supposed to be getting ready to start high school, she's failed eighth grade and is going to have to repeat it. My boyfriend swears that this will only delay our plans for one more year, but should I trust a promise like that when I've already been waiting so long for our life together to start? Would you?
- Ophelia
You picked the wrong week to send me this one. I don't want to get into specifics because even though you don't work for me and it's not like my authority's at risk, I don't love people to know anything about my personal life. That said, it's possible that I have, at one point or another, found myself in a similar situation, so while some might judge you, I don't. Should you trust his promise? I don't know. Can anyone trust anyone's promise, ever? Aren't we all just telling each other whatever we need to say to get us the outcome we want? Shouldn't we all assume we're constantly being lied to? The people I talk to certainly should. (Except when I tell them I'm going to fire them. That, I mean.) If you want to stick it out with this guy for another year, you should, but keep in mind that if you still don't end up where you want to be whenever little Cindy finally makes it to high school, her dad doesn't really owe you anything, and that's what he's going to tell you if you try to press him on it. Anyway, what is it you're holding out for -- your "happily ever after"? I can tell you that no one gets that in the end -- even the ones who let me convince them they did.