UnREAL's Family Date Doesn't Exactly Have A Fairy Tale Ending

Mary's special family date with Adam started out like...well, pretty much like any other date on Everlasting. While the contestant in question delivered a babbling, self-deluded Talking Head about her expectations for the day, the control room peanut gallerists debated her odds. Chet: anti-Mary on the basis of her extremely advanced age/probably consequently desiccated genitals. Quinn: pro-Mary in order to be anti-Chet -- yes, even after her successful out-of-court settlement with him regarding Everlasting ownership in last week's episode, and especially because Mary is a year younger than Quinn herself. Rachel: pro-Mary because, if she wins this mainstream dating show, it'll strike a blow against society's misogynist ageism. Before long, Chet and Quinn are betting on Mary's chances of surviving the week, and Quinn's enlisting Rachel in the project of shoring up Mary's chances...even as Quinn realizes she's possibly bet on the wrong side given that even she considers a family date with Mary's daughter a "grade-A boner killer" -- a sentiment with which we all can agree.

Unfortunately for Quinn and Rachel, that "all" includes Adam. Who hates kids.

Adam is clearly a whore -- he's more than proven his credentials on that front -- so Rachel's going to have an even bigger challenge than usual in creating a point of connection for Adam and Mary, the only mother among his potential wives. But Rachel didn't get where she is because she lacks both creativity and a devious mind, she comes up with a can't-lose scenario: she'll get Mary's abusive ex-husband Kirk to the set to confront her! When a fight inevitably ensues, Adam will defend Mary! It'll be a great TV moment, and putting Mary in such a vulnerable position will also pretty much force Adam not to send her home quite yet -- not after her business has been put out on front street like this! Rachel, you devious bastard!

What Rachel doesn't know is that this is probably the worst possible week for her to pull this stunt on Mary. Though Quinn thinks Mary's personality pivot (in the sense that she's started evincing one) is due to the stern talking-to she gave Mary, in the last episode, about making an effort to show some interest in Adam and loosen up some of her rigid self-control, only we and Shia know it can really be attributed to the sugar pills Mary's been taking in place of medication she's been prescribed for bipolar disorder and PTSD. (And all that white wine surely isn't helping.) So when Quinn deputizes Rachel to produce Mary's family date, Shia's angry reaction is probably partly knee-jerk competition with the producer who's clearly Quinn's pet, but mostly alarm that Rachel won't be able to handle Mary under the current sketchy circumstances. And she's right! (Sidebar: I imagine the way cast members rotate in and out on this show -- for instance, how Anna's absence from the previous two episodes made me wonder last week if she'd gotten bounced as a contestant after that catfight with Grace and it had just happened offscreen -- is the reason Dr. Wagerstein isn't in this episode, but under the circumstances it seems very convenient that she isn't, right?)

The first tough lesson Rachel learns is that when you're dealing with a person who has a violent past, like Kirk's, you can't just drop him into a typical reality-show ambush situation and hope you can manage the outcome. Adam may have big gym arms that look good when he has to take his shirt off to bone a lady; that doesn't mean he has the functional strength of, let's say, a camera operator who carries a rig all day, which is why when Kirk starts a physical fight with Adam, Jeremy has to be the one to finish it. Adam still gets a black eye as a trophy for his chivalry, but having another bro step in to save him from a beatdown is not a great look for someone who thought he was going to answer emotional violence by dominating the abuser physically.

What Rachel also hasn't considered is what other kinds of shit Mary and Kirk's reunion would lead to when no cameras are on them. Kirk's charge that Mary must have been responsible for his assaults because when he hit her she'd say she was sorry is classic abuser logic, and an accusation she might not have been able to withstand even if her neurochemicals were being properly regulated at the time he makes it. If Shia hadn't switched out her meds, would Mary have ended the scene merely upset...

...as opposed to suicidal at the thought that he's right about her and that her daughter deserves better than Mary?

Well, uh. We'll never know.