What Not To Wear Is Dead; Long Live How Not To Be!

Friday was a very sad day in the world of television, and not just for the usual reason (that the networks have mostly abandoned it as a night for new programming worth paying attention to): What Not To Wear took its final bow.

Late this summer, I wrote about What Not To Wear's hosts, praising them for the great work they've done in spreading the gospel of body acceptance on TV, and I stand by that: tough love is still love, and is what they dished out every week for ten years, to the benefit of society. But tough love is also tough, and that's why I think that, now that What Not To Wear has ended, they need to think better. Stacy London and Clinton Kelly need to co-host a whole-life makeover series. As a nod to the show that made them famous, they could call it How Not To Be!

If you've ever watched any candid reality show, you know that the subjects featured never have just one problem they need to solve. (In fact, if you watch lots of these shows -- hi! -- you might say that What Not To Wear "contributors" were generally doing pretty well in life; sure, they might wear Crocs and capris, but at least they were decent people who were well-liked enough for people close to them to want to give them the gift of a WNTW nomination/shopping spree.) But virtually everyone on, say, America's Supernanny would also benefit from a wardrobe makeover. And the doomsday preppers of Doomsday Preppers would benefit from getting a little direction as to how they should be raising their kids. The stars of My Shopping Addiction would definitely benefit from considering that if the apocalypse is imminent, they might need fewer designer purses and more MREs. And as for the people on Extreme Couponing, who have more than enough MREs (and barbecue sauce, and toilet paper, and dental floss) to supply them for ten apocalypses...well, here we are back at Crocs and capris. Plus nylon windbreakers. It's dire.

I submit that someone needs to take these poor, helpless people in hand, and Stacy and Clinton have proven that they are more than capable. Would the extreme couponers readily understand the wisdom of purchasing fewer pieces for their wardrobe, if each is going to hold its value through many seasons? Maybe not at first, but at least they can appreciate the concept of maximizing value. Would the doomsday preppers readily agree to trade their camouflage pants for straight-leg dark-wash jeans? Maybe not, but Clinton and Stacy have dealt with plenty of intractable clients. And all the America's Supernanny hopefuls might find that they yell less at their uncontrollable kids when they dress themselves in outfits that make them feel confident and happy.

Stacy and Clinton might not have any professional qualifications to help their new contributors deal with their kids, or finances, or hoarding, or ill-behaved pets, but they have the courage of their convictions, and quick wits to shame their subjects with devastating zingers, and in most cases, that's more than enough to get the job done -- or, in the case of this proposed show, get done the two or five or ten jobs required with, say, a hoarder from Hoarders who's at risk of having her kids taken away because her floor is 100% covered with trash and meets Dr. Zasio at the door wearing a floral mock turtleneck and elastic-waist jeans. Clinton and Stacy showed us, in their ten years co-hosting What Not To Wear, that their mix of encouragement and humiliation gets results. So I say, set them loose on everyone in reality TV that is all fucked up. I am not a crackpot.