American Horror Story: Hotel Requests The Honour Of Your Presence At The Marriage Of Countess Elizabeth To Will Drake

You're Not Going To Have Liz Taylor To Kick Around Anymore

The Countess has just talked Will into having a tiny, intimate wedding as opposed to "THE EVENT of the season," like he wanted, when she drifts over to the reception desk for a chat with her old friend Liz.

The Countess Is Giving Predatory Sexuality A Bad Name!

The Countess goes straight from a swoony reunion with Rudolph at the motel where the PI she'd hired tracked him...

...to some bouncy boning with Donovan, so I guess relations between them have thawed since the last time we checked in on Donovan and Ramona's "plan" to take her down?

Once she determines that he doesn't mean monogamy, gross:

WELL THEN THAT'S THAT CASE CLOSED THESE TWO ARE TOTALLY TLA. The Countess adds that, this time, she's not going to make the same mistakes she has before: "It's going to require more than words -- it requires actions." Donovan seems to assume that's his cue to go down on her -- rarely a bad call, honestly -- which is when she informs him that she's getting married on Wednesday.

"Relax!" the Countess coos. "I'll be a widow by Thursday. A rich widow." With her impending nuptials/new status as an heiress, the Countess wants to make "a clean start of things." Donovan knows precisely what she means this time: "Great. Who should we kill first? After your betrothed, I mean." "Let's make a list." Folks, if I may make a suggestion: try using Grocery IQ! You can share lists between each other on your phones and make sure one of you doesn't try to go after a target the other's already killed. So much more efficient. That said: even for a vampire she is really shameless about using people up with the intention of discarding them later.

R.I.P. Adult Film Professionals

A porn director named "Stormcock" and a couple of porn performers check into the Cortez to shoot their latest film -- which, according to Iris, lots of porn people have been doing of late. In the past, she was an enabler, but since she's been "converted," she can no longer look away -- and doesn't want to: "I'm becoming a goddamn Dirty Harriet. Porn hurts people. Hurts the girls who think they need to screw like that. Hurts the guys who think girls want to screw like that. I'm not uptight, I just don't want it going on in my hotel anymore." So...?

I'm not really sure how we're supposed to feel about this? I mean, the male performer was kind of needlessly vulgar when the three checked in -- smugly telling Iris they were there for "straight sex. Blowjob. I'll probably rim her" -- but the "influencers" were far more deserving of Iris's assault. It's not like they were shooting porn in the lobby or something. God, Iris, don't be such a prig.

What Is Happening Now?

Alert Type: Double Agent Alert.

Issue: Iris is draining/cleaning up the murdered porn pros when Donovan rolls by, laughing gleefully at how far she's come since he turned her, when she anxiously tells him it's not safe for him at the Cortez; after Bartholomew got out of his room, the Countess came to Iris's room to threaten her life -- and Donovan's -- and Iris readily fingered Ramona; now she's worried that the Countess will figure out that the three of them were in league against her.

Complicating Factors: It's actually totally safe for him to be at the Cortez, Donovan tells Iris, because the Countess thinks he's come back to her!

Resolution: "Tell me she doesn't have her hooks in you," begs Iris. "The less you know, the better," Donovan replies.

Spoiler: Donovan is not equipped to take on a foe like the Countess. But is he maybe equipped to figure that out on his own?

Miss Evers vs. Will

Will is in the middle of prepping Lachlan for the wedding -- the latter still somewhat confused about why the dad he's known his whole life to have been into dudes is suddenly marrying a woman -- when Miss Evers appears with a grave warning: "Don't marry her! She's not the one for you -- for any man." Will has no idea who she is or what she's on about (though he doesn't also wonder why she's talking and dressed like that), but she barrels ahead: "Would you like me to bring you a knife, Mr. Drake? Perhaps pistol? Or are you the type who would prefer to hurl yourself out a window?...Clearly, you want to commit suicide! Why else would you agree to marry that poisonous leech of a woman?...If you marry the Countess, you will die. And your boy too, probably....Once she puts the ring on your finger, she will bleed you dry." Will, kind of hilariously, thinks Miss Evers is speaking metaphorically: "I have a prenup to protect me from that." And then here's where we find out that Miss Evers didn't just have a motherly fondness for March: things were, at least on her side, more like the maternal relationship that Mare Winningham's character had with Evan Peters's in "Coven" (though...less icky).

According to Miss Evers, he had promised he was going to marry her before The Countess came along. "My father always said to marry a homely woman," says March in a flashback. "Less trouble. I disagree. I adore you! I depend on you. Look at this suit I'm wearing! It was covered in bile -- literal bile -- from a poolman I knifed the other day! It's like nothing was ever there! You're a genius. But the Countess is a creature from heaven. Such style, grace, beauty. It's not your fault you were graced with...different gifts."

Back in the present, Miss Evers squeals to Will that "no one survives her!" Will does not seem concerned about this warning in the slightest and fires her, because he thinks that's a power he possesses, but Miss Evers has one last warning: "One day, very soon, you will understand. You will know nothing but pain. And I will be there, and you will reach out to me for help and mercy, and in return, I will watch you die with a smile on my face -- because I will know that once you are gone, I will get the chance to clean the blood and shit out of that pretty formal wear of yours." Will is like, BYE.

Winner: Will. For now.

Hall In The Family

The Countess stands at the mouth of the until-recently-bricked-up hallway with a contractor, telling him what she wants done with the space: "I'm turning this entire wing into a secure archive for Mr. Drake's previous collections. It needs to be impenetrable...for insurance purposes, of course!" The contractor is, justifiably, concerned about undertaking this crazy amount of work on her say-so and tells her he thinks he should speak to the owner first, but the Countess says it's a surprise she wants to give him as a wedding present, and that she expects it all to be done tomorrow. The contractor tells her that's impossible, which is apparently the magic word that conjures March.

Seems like some pretty heavy construction for an area set aside for some dresses BUT I DON'T KNOW FROM CONSTRUCTION I GUESS.

Off The March

"Don't worry your pretty head, dear," March assures the Countess as the flummoxed contractor wanders off to consider going back to school to become a dental hygienist. "I'll see to it you get what you want."

"You disgust me," hisses the Countess. "You're still upset about the dago," surmises March. He's more sensitive than he seemed, because: she sure is! March robbed her of the thing she loved most, she says; she never wants to see him again. March starts to realize she means what she's saying and falls to his knees to beg her not to back out on their arrangement: "Our dinners are my sole comfort in this Stygian heap!" It doesn't work. Also it is pathetic, and she disgustedly stomps away from him without another word.

Ramona The Not-So-Great

Donovan shows up at Ramona's (with the male porn star, sole survivor of Iris's attack, as a hostess gift), and to update her on the progress of their plan. She seems to think his "pretend to get back with the Countess" idea isn't the worst, and says she'll think about what to do next, which, uh, might as well take your time, the last time there was any forward motion on it was several episodes ago and pretty pathetic. While Ramona drains the porn star using some pretty professional equipment, Donovan suddenly gets curious about why it took so long for Ramona to decide to get back at the Countess, which cues her to tell Donovan what she's spent the past twenty years doing.

Back in 1992, Ramona took her Countess-broken heart back to "the only man in the world that [she'd] ever kneeled down for" -- her dad. He's mildly interested in why she still looks the same now as she did the last time he saw her ten years ago, but they apparently just blow past that and she moves in with him and her mom. Soon enough, Ramona noticed that her dad was starting to show signs of dementia, but according to him there can only be one ailing person in the family -- her mom, who at this point is using an oxygen tank for whatever unspecified thing or things are wrong with her -- and he angrily shakes off Ramona's offer to take him to see a doctor about his forgetfulness.

This goes on and on and ON considering this is a character we've barely seen and whose backstory we therefore probably barely care about (just me?), so basically: her mom died; her dad continued to lose it; a couple of guys broke in and beat him up; Ramona infected him with "the virus" since she'd seen it do miraculous things in the past. But a failing mind isn't the same as a broken bone, and all that happened was that it kept her father alive, but with the same level of dementia as when he should have died. He couldn't hunt for himself, so she kept him alive by bringing him blood from her kills...

...until the day she came by and saw two corpses on the floor and her father's chin and shirt covered in blood. She realized this couldn't continue and drowned him in the tub. And when she went back out into the world again, she realized how much things had changed: the internet had happened, and "Hula" (hee) was streaming her old movies for free. Being recognized made her realize what had been "taken" from her, and decided to use her strength to ruin the Countess. Okay, but...what the Countess actually took -- I mean, other than Ramona's mortality, I guess -- was Ramona's dude; it's not like the Countess made her quit making movies, or pout about the guy the Countess killed for twenty freaking years (not that he even comes up in Ramona's telling, so whatever), or turn her own dad, so while I'm not going to sit here and say the Countess is a great person/monster, a lot of what Ramona's blaming her for totally isn't even her fault? BUT NEVER MIND, I GUESS.

What's The Matter With Kids Today? They're Vampires.

Situation: After seeing a news report of a homeless man drained of blood and a group of kids who might have "witnessed" the attack, Alex has used PI skills she somehow has to a house containing Max and a bunch of his little school chums. WHAT TIMING! Brad Falchuk must listen to Extra Hot Great!

What makes it awkward? Alex knows she turned Max to save him from dying of measles; this is the first she's learning that he turned all his classmates and that they've gone on a killing spree -- starting with their parents, which is why, Max says, no one is looking for them. Also: they suck at it; their latest kill is the guy who just delivered the pizza they ordered; Alex points out that his employer's going to realize he's missing in, like, half an hour, and that the police will obviously come straight to the last address he was sent to. Furthermore: Madeline (who, fun fact, I now realize is the same girl who plays young Rebecca on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend!) is not having fun vamping around anymore, and having refused to feed for the past four days means her spots are coming back. Jimmy wants to kill the "sickies" who, like Madeline, is on a hunger strike.

How is order restored? Alex tries to convince the gang to come back to the Cortez with her, but Max doesn't trust anyone over twelve, apparently, and refuses. Jimmy tries to convince Max they should kill Alex too -- it was Max's own rule that they never leave witnesses -- but Max still has barely enough loyalty to Alex for having saved his life (kind of) that he vetoes that idea; instead, he agrees to take his vamp-brats elsewhere while Alex stays to explain this to the cops. THAT OUGHT TO BE GOOD.

Twisting The Knife

Alert Type: Triple Agent Alert.

Issue: Since Donovan told her that he dosed the Countess's drink with enough GHB to knock her out all night, Ramona's come to her suite at the Cortez to murder her in her sleep.

Complicating Factors: I mean...

Yeah, Donovan's actually back with the Countess for real and sold out Ramona for her.

Resolution: The supposed archive for Will's old designs is actually a dungeon where Donovan and the Countess intend to imprison their enemies: "We're going to hate-watch." Iris is sad that Donovan believed the Countess is putting him first, and that he isn't going forward with Ramona and Iris, since the three of them working together have the best chance at taking down the Countess.

Spoiler: Donovan may soon come to regret the side he chose.

Three's A Crowd

Ramona turns out to be absolutely right about how dumb Donovan is, because: the Countess is at Rudolph's motel room planning their future together. Natacha is, apparently, enamoured of the modern world, and hasn't stopped shopping and Ubering since the Countess gave her a credit card, which the Countess says she only did so that the two of them could have time together without her. For his part, Rudolph is less impressed by 2015, but the Countess has an answer for that: "I've been clearing the way for us. We are so close to recapturing what we once lost. I'm about to come into a great deal of money. We can use it to turn the Cortez into a fortress against the modern world -- a world I hate even more than you." When he asks how Natacha fits in to that plan, the Countess purrs, "If something were to happen to her, could you go on?" "I would have you to comfort me," Rudolph replies. GOT IT. At this point, Natacha comes home dressed more or less like the porn star Iris just killed.

Natacha is full of compliments for the retail stores she's just hit in Beverly Hills -- "A store with your name on it: Valentino!" -- but the Countess tells her that for true couture, she'll have to come to the Cortez. The Countess will send a car for her! And Rudolph's not invited! I hope the TV in his crappy motel gets TCM or he's going to be really bored!

Either the Countess is so deeply in love she's gotten sloppy, or she doesn't give a shit about getting caught.

What This Haunted Hotel Has Joined Together, Let No Monster Tear Asunder

What's the occasion? The Countess and Will are getting married!

What are the refreshments? None needed; apparently there isn't going to be a reception for the officiant or for the only two witnesses -- Liz Taylor and Lachlan -- because the Countess wants to go straight from the ceremony to the honeymoon.

Whose big public scene will everyone be talking about tomorrow? Liz's! When the officiant asks whether anyone objects to the union, Liz weighs in.

This is what happens when the law requires a witness but the only people left who'll deal with you are ghosts. Or Iris, who probably could not be trusted to dress for the occasion. The Countess is the very soul of forgiveneness, though! When Will has gone to the bar to have a celebratory drink...alone, the Countess gives Liz her bouquet: "With my genuine hope that you someday find true love. One never knows when it may appear." WHAT A GOOD FRIEND.

Belly Up To The Bartholomew

Who's causing a family crisis? March.

How? He's brought Will to meet Bartholomew, chattering all the while: "Initially I had my doubts the child was of my own flesh and blood. You see, he doesn't bear any of the distinctive March features -- diamond jaw; strong, piercing eyes; a flair for the dramatic. He has quite a delicate temperament, as you'll get to know! Except when he's feeding. In that regard, he most certainly takes after his mother."

Which relatives have a problem with it? Will, for starters, who looks into the cradle and recoils, "Holy shit, what the hell IS that thing?!" But the Countess, who glides in just in time for Will's reaction, isn't impressed either: "And to think, I was prepared to love and raise YOUR son." Will has no idea how to explain what he's just seen, guessing that it's some kind of prank. This just moves up the date for his execution: "I thought to kill you in Paris, but I could never stomach travelling with someone who said such hateful things about my child. I'm going to make sure you suffer immensely."

Who's an unlikely ally? Alas, Will has none.

Spoiler: That won't be a problem for long.

R.I.P. Will Drake

After the Countess knocks him out in Bartholomew's nursery, Will wakes up on the floor next to Ramona's cage. "This can't be real," he gasps, but Ramona tells him he's going to find out how real it is when the Countess returns with Donovan and put Will in the adjacent cage. After freeing Ramona, Will starts running up and down the hall screaming for help and pounding on the bricked-up former doorways, but he pretty quickly figures out that the whole area is soundproofed and that no one might ever even know they're there.

And hey, look who's really good at predicting the future?

The overhead camera catches it all and beams it back to the Countess, unwinding from the wedding in a manner that will be very familiar to anyone who, like, me, REALLY loves hotels.

Farewell, Will. I am confident that four other extremely handsome dark-haired men with chiseled jawlines will come forward to take your place.