American Horror Story Cuts Some Cast Members

Sidney Learns A Tough Lesson About Exploitation

We resume this week with Sidney in a production trailer -- joined by a camera operator -- as he watches Dominic arrive at the house and immediately get tackled by Matt. "YES!" gloats Sidney. "Who in America would not come back after they see that?" Because, you see, the idea that he would have actually taken steps to protect Shelby from pain -- you know, the way he told her he would, in so many words -- is hilarious. (And to be fair to Sidney, if Shelby were ever to call him on it, he'd pretty much just have to remind her that she always knew he was a scorpion.) Sidney's still so high on himself that he totally misses Rory getting stabbed to death, and though the camera operator does and Sidney's about to run back the footage and see, they both get distracted from a scream outside.

Farewell, Melissa the PA: we really hardly knew ye. (Though Diana's survivors, whenever they see this, will probably be touched that your attempt to remind Sidney that Diana had ever existed was one of the last things he ever heard.)

And farewell, Sidney. You were a real piece of shit, but I'm going to miss those cheekbones.

Anonymous camera operator: you were very professional! Too bad you were hired by a guy whose regard for other human beings was so tiny that he indirectly caused this to happen to you.

Stranded At The Murder House

Back at the house, Audrey is still trying to find Rory, and doesn't seem convinced by Matt's claim that the proof of his murder is scrawled on the wall because Rory's killers loved word puzzles. Shelby suggests that he might be hiding to mess with them, so a small search party goes looking; though there's no body, Dominic finds the puddle of blood and notes that it doesn't smell like corn syrup. But Audrey thinks she's figured out what happened: Rory decided to ditch the production in favour of his chance at a Brad Pitt movie, and he and Sidney colluded on making his exit as lurid as possible; with her fellow cast members still in the room, she yells at Sidney, via the nearest camera, that the ruse didn't work!

But in a confessional, Audrey admits that she thinks something much more banal is actually going on: that Rory left her. "I was batshit crazy to think it could work," she says. "He always said age is just a number. But I knew better. It's nothing for a man to be fifteen years older than his bride, but for a woman, it's Mount Everest. All the conditions have to be perfect for the ascent. And I guess he just ran out of oxygen." Audrey, no! Ghosts are just real! Rory totally loved the shit out of you until his dying breath, which was probably extremely painful because he'd just been stabbed by two dead nurses who would have known exactly where to strike!

I Am Not A Crackpot. I Just Think Agnes Is A Crackpot.

Having just dispatched the entire on-site production crew, Agnes hides out in the cellar -- in front of what is apparently the camera the guy at the production trailer was using -- babbling crazily to herself. Mostly, she remains in character as The Butcher, but then she remembers that Melissa had a baby and feels guilty for having left her motherless -- particularly since Melissa was a good egg: "I liked her. She always made sure I had a cooling tent when it was hot." Defending herself to the camera that's there, she insists, "It was my destiny. They chose me. I was the fan favourite. All my life people have underestimated me. They only booked me for three episode, but I got five, because the fans wanted more. They wanted The Butcher."

Then Agnes's torch goes out, and the silence is filled by creepy chanting.

And when she lights her torch again, she regrets it...immediately? I'm going to say immediately.

Contemporize, Man!

Dominic comes straight from a tense meeting with Shelby in the kitchen -- which Matt interrupted by making sure both parties knew he doesn't give a tiny rat's ass what they do with each other anymore -- to a confessional. He smugly tells the camera that he's done his research, and that the one thing all reality shows have in common is that the villains -- "Puck, Omarosa, that crazy bitch with the fake leg" (please be specific; there have been two of those) -- are the stars. He cares about Shelby, sort of, but he's mostly there to be the heel; Sidney's even equipped him with a secret body cam disguised as a piece of jewellery so ugly that anyone would definitely believe a C-list actor would try peacocking in it. "What's more important than screen time?" Oh, Dominic. You are going to find out SO soon. And, PS, aspiring to be a reality show villain is old thinking. We're in a post-Great British Bake Off world! If you want your brand to thrive, you should be trying to impress viewers with how supportive you can be! Also with how well you work with fondant!

Shelby, for her part, leaves the kitchen confrontation to try to collect herself in her room, where SOMEONE happens to have left a handheld camera on the bed! Shelby's just creeping toward the camera to see if that really is blood on the lens...

...when Agnes comes up behind her and, after talking a bunch more crazy shit while backing her up against the closed door, chops her in the neck. Even as she screams in pain and fear, Shelby has the wherewithal to get out her mostly inoperative phone to film Agnes so that there's a record of who killed her, which Shelby thinks is inevitable. And it certainly seems to be...

...until Dominic comes out of nowhere, tackling and overpowering Agnes. Even as it's happening, I don't believe Agnes would be the loser in such a skirmish (I definitely think Kathy Bates could turn Cuba Gooding Jr. into an oily stain), and it turns out I'm right: when Dominic turns back around after having given Shelby minimal first aid, it seems as though Agnes was just playing possum, because now she's GONE (and so is that camera).

When the rest of the cast comes up to see what happened, everyone really starts to panic: Audrey might have been right about Rory having just taken off, but there's KIND OF no ignoring the very large slice Agnes put in Shelby's neck. Dominic sticks his face in the nearest camera to scream at Sidney to get them an ambulance, not knowing, of course, that he's wasting his breath -- or, worse, potentially doing damage to his Instrument for nothing!

Matt suggests that the production trailer must be nearby, and deputizes Dominic to go find it. Dominic isn't that excited about wandering around the same woods as a cleaver-wielding maniac, and as the two of them squabble about it, Lee orders Matt to stay with Shelby, and says she'll go look for it. Monet volunteers to go with her, which is possibly the smartest play...

...because Lee snuck a gun in. Audrey is snitty about the likelihood that Lee will find any excuse to use it -- since, you know, they all believe she killed Mason for real -- before reminding them all that there's a secret passageway out of the house through the basement.

Which is also equipped with cameras. Sidney was a scumbag, but he was also VERY good at his job! As they're all creeping along, Audrey sees a figure further down who looks a lot like Edward Philippe Mott, a.k.a. Rory's character from Season 1 of My Roanoke Nightmare, and assumes it's Rory messing with them until it lets out an ungodly roar...

...Lee shoots it several times, and it pretty much has no reaction at all.

Lee, Audrey, and Monet all haul ass outside, where Lee basically tells Monet and Audrey to quit fucking around and accept what's going on right now: "HOW many times do we have to tell you? This is REAL! Do you believe us now, or do you want to deny what you've seen with your own eyes?!"

Agnes Is VERY SERIOUS About Making It In Show Business

I may not feel she went about it in the most responsible or sensible fashion, but I can't deny that Agnes -- still alive, and hidden away in the cellar again to PULL OUT LEE'S BULLET WITH FUCKING PLIERS -- has the determination and drive to be a star. Anne Hathaway WISHES she were committed enough to make it into a production's final cut by literally setting a location on fire!

Matt's fallen asleep next to Shelby, but in the middle of the night, he suddenly sits straight up with an absent look on his face and goes sleepwalking through the house. He is oblivious of the fact that he's woken up Dominic, asleep on the couch in what I assume is one of this joint's seven living rooms, and that Dominic is creeping behind him as he goes down to the basement. "I've been waiting for you," murmurs Matt, zombie-like.

Whereupon the real-life version of Lady Gaga's "Bitch With The Real Power" grabs Matt and starts ferociously copulating with him. Of course, Dominic races straight out of there and up to narc on Matt to Shelby -- who, in horror, immediately inserts herself into the action to yank this broad off Matt. But that's not what Matt wants at all: "I came back for her!" he breathes "I'm in love with her, Shelby!"

So Shelby grabs a handy crowbar and caves Matt's head in for him. Bye, Matt! Next time maybe try being a little discreet when you're going to fuck around on your estranged wife with a supernatural creature with 17th century British teeth!

Meanwhile, Lee -- who was cattleprodded and scooped up in the woods, is being detained by the real Polks, who she assumes are working for Sidney because one of them is filming the goings-on. Even hill folk appreciate cinema verité, Lee! It's rude to make assumptions! Mama (welcome to the party, Robin Weigert!) orders her boys to free one of Lee's hands so that she can assist in rubbing oil into her left thigh, before Mama sprinkles it with spices, intoning, "Everybody knows the secret to sweet meat is to tenderize it!" Seconds later, Lee gets stabbed in the leg, so jerky is probably going to be on the menu soon.

At the house, Shelby sits on the edge of the tub in her bathroom, shocked and crying hysterically about Matt. Dominic tries to soothe her, but also tells her he thinks the best thing she can do is wait for Lee, Monet, and Audrey to come back (because he thinks they're going to return with help, the poor idiot), and then turn herself in for killing Matt. Shelby can't believe he'd suggest such a thing and tells Dominic he has to help her, which he says is what he's doing: there are cameras everywhere, and Sidney knows everything. He then locks into CYA mode as he adds, "They know it was you. I tried to stop you but you were so out of it there was nothing I could do." Did you, though? Is he trying to conceal the fact that he didn't care if Matt got killed, or that he froze and couldn't intervene? Either way: shady!

Dominic then goes to investigate a strange sound, which turns out to be Agnes dousing the house with gasoline. Take a night off, Agnes, you had a bullet in you ten minutes ago!

In another room of the Polks' greenhouse, the Polks snort coke while Monet and Audrey cry. And things kind of get worse when Mama enters, tossing them a plate of some very red, very raw-looking meat and telling them to eat. Monet begs Mama to let them go, promising they won't tell anyone anything, but before Mama can tell Monet she's very deluded about the next few moments of her life, Audrey thinks to ask where Lee is. "Y'all is guests," says Mama. "Eat." Deciding she'd rather choke down Lee jerky than be murdered on the spot, Monet takes some; Audrey resists, but getting zapped a couple more times with cattle prods drains some of the fight out of her.

Mmmmm. Loaded with Vitamin Lee!

Back at the house, Agnes incoherently bellows at Dominic and Shelby, who soon see how very, very outnumbered they are. Dominic wonders how they're going to keep Agnes and this army out of the house, to which Shelby tells him plainly that they're not. Agnes laughs in triumph...

...before turning around and noticing for the first time that she's not alone: her inspiration is there!

(Who's filming NOW?) Realizing she dun goofed, Agnes kneels as she calls the real Butcher her "idol" and apologizes: "I just wanted to be on TV."

The Butcher doesn't truck with all this "Golden Age" talk, apparently. It seems she prefers features.