When Ben & Lauren: Happily Ever After? Goes Camping, How Fake Does It Get?

Last week, the fakery of Ben and Lauren's post-Bachelor life together revolved around activities that only D-list reality show celebrities enjoy. This week, they get back to basics with a camping trip...on which they're joined exclusively by other D-list reality show celebrities, including a cameo from Bachelor villain Chad! Let's count down the episode's elements and events from least fake to most!

1. Lace's Expertise In Peeing Away From Toilets

   At a certain point, Lace has to lead one of the twins (I forget which, and it doesn't matter) away from the campsite to help her find a spot where she can pee, and to walk her through the process so that she doesn't pee on her own feet. Since I'm guessing Lace has honed this skill squatting between cars parked in front of any number of bars and taverns at 2 in the morning, I believe she knows exactly what she's doing and I'm proud that she's been able to show off this talent to the world.

2. Lace's Horror At Learning Lauren And Ben Invited Chad To Come Camping

   Having read both Andi Dorfman's and Courtney Robertson's books, I actually kind of believe that Bachelor alumni all hang out with each other even when cameras aren't on, so even given how hideously Lace embarrassed herself when she was on Ben's season of The Bachelor, I buy that she and Grant would get invited to go camping with Ben and Lauren, and the twins, and Chris Soules. And when Ben tells her that he and Lauren have invited Chad -- of JoJo's season of The Bachelorette (on which Grant, Lace's current fiancé, also appeared), and the latest season of Bachelor In Paradise (until he got kicked off) -- Lace's terrified reaction rings very true to me. She tells Ben that Chad has been messing with Grant since JoJo dismissed Chad from her season: apparently, the stories of Chad pursuing Grant's and (JoJo's first runner-up) Robby's exes are true. Lace may have accepted that signing on to the Bachelor franchise means selling your soul for any number of fame extensions -- even jank ones like B&L -- but I don't think she's a good enough actor to fake her reaction, and that Ben had to ambush her with the Chad reveal or else she wouldn't have come camping at all. I can't believe I'm saying this, but: poor Lace!

3. Ben's Wedding Planning Cluelessness

   I do think Ben and his fragile masculinity (see also: his defense of going in pursuit of a bear by telling Lauren, "You can't worry about me!...I'm a boy, I do crazy stuff!") might be slightly overacting his ignorance of everything to do with his wedding planning. But only slightly. The logistics of a regular wedding are baffling enough; planning one that's going to be on TV has to be even more annoying.

4. The Twins: Still Useless

   The fucking twins get invited camping even though they've never done it as adults, are so clueless that they packed all their shit in roller bags, and are fully screaming every time they even see a bug. Clearly, they've been cast for this excursion so that they can reinforce every stereotype of feminine helplessness and, knowing their role, they're cranking it up to 11. No one likes bugs, but honestly, shrieking every time they perceive a mosquito? Calm down.

5. Lauren Makes Ben Do Aerial Yoga

   This is so much effort just to make Ben come out in a (women's) LuluLemon outfit so that Lauren can comment -- in front of the entire class -- that she can see his wiener. But hey, now we all know that Denver has aerial yoga classes! Keep it in mind when you're choosing the destination for your next vacation!

6. Fire-Starting Comedy

   HAR HAR, NO ONE BROUGHT MATCHES. We're supposed to believe that Chris and Ben think they can start a fire by rubbing sticks together like they're on fucking Survivor -- and that, when they fail, they pass this task over to THE TWINS? Who, I'm fairly sure, can't spell "fire"? (Don't worry: dirtbag Lace arrives with a lighter.)

7. How Chad Came To Be On This Trip At All

   I believe that Ben would abbreviate "After The Final Rose" to "AFR," as he does when he tells Lace that's where he and Lauren met Chad, because I'm sure all these boners think their insider lingo is super-cool. But good lord, this story. Ben tells Lace that Lauren came away from her undoubtedly very brief, very superficial conversation with Chad "in tears" because she felt he had been portrayed so inaccurately; the idea of inviting Chad along on this camping trip is to give him a chance to rehabilitate his image and show America he's more than just the current reigning Bachelor heel. The problem is, that theory requires us to believe that Chad has spent the entirety of his time as a TV personality convincingly playing a shithead character, and I just don't think that's true -- if for no other reason than that as soon as Chad rolls up to the campsite, whistling his fucking serial killer tune, Lace is in tears because she's scared of him.

   Of course nothing good comes of Chad's arrival on the scene: he has no interest in apologizing to Lace for the way he treated her on Bachelor Live, or on social media afterward; he immediately locks into his standard threat mode as soon as his late mother is evoked in an attempt to shame him for his behaviour. Ultimately, he "gracefully takes his leave" (read: Lace and Grant are very serious in their anger at his unwelcome appearance, viz "This isn't what we expected. This is fucking stupid" and "I'm mad that I even had to be in this position to be around him") -- and even his departure is so fake that his farewell includes a "that being said." "I think we can all say that we've met people through this experience that we appreciate," says Ben after Chad has gone. "And I hope that all of us sitting here tonight -- just from coming on this simple trip and seeing the things we've seen, and being out in the wild, and just experiencing life at its fullest feels a little bit more hope [sic] than when we entered tonight. And so tonight, we'll toast to more hope, more love, and more acceptance of the people in our life that have hurt us." If we're supposed to believe no producer scripted that speech for Ben the dumb turd who thinks tea is accompanied by "scrumpets" and that a rampart is probably a cannon, he should work harder to memorize his lines and deliver them correctly.