Chronic Masturbator Rudy Tells Us About His Mental Health History

"She said what? 'Chronic masturbator'? Jesus! Real nice, Lana!

"First of all, I barely knew Lana. I don't know how she thought it was appropriate -- even in a fantasy of desperation in which she projects herself into a future where she's not only free from Briarcliff but getting fêted for having survived her ordeal -- to announce to anyone what I was there for. 'Diagnosed as a chronic masturbator' is not quite accurate, not that I would expect a so-called journalist like Lana to appreciate the fine distinctions of psychiatric treatment. You see a guy jerking it in the dayroom one time and you just decide that he must be a chronic masturbator -- like, clinically? That's kind of a reach.

"...No. No pun intended.

"Look, if Lana had asked me, I might have told Lana that I was actually admitted to Briarcliff with an eating disorder. Yes, I realize that eating disorders are not something that a lot of men will admit they suffer from. So maybe, if Lana was so interested in talking about how her fellow patients at Briarcliff 'inspired' her, she could have talked more about how I stopped living in denial and faced my disease despite the social stigma. But no, I just get written off as a chronic masturbator just because I find the song 'Dominique' to be intensely erotic and no one seemed to notice or care if I went to town on myself in full view of all the other patients.

"I'm a person, okay? Do I give myself a treat from time to time, or maybe forty times a day? Sure, who doesn't? But to turn the one pleasure I can give myself in this place into a disease -- just tossing me into the 'chronic masturbator' box -- is to deny me my humanity. I expect that shit from Sister Jude, but I would have expected Lana to show a little more empathy.

"What was the question? Oh...yes. I-- Yes, I am masturbating right now. But just a little!"