Winnowing Down The Witches

Some Of These Wonders Are Among "The Seven Wonders"...Try To Guess Which! We Think You'll Have Fun

• Telekinesis
• Tuckikinesis
• Making Household Items Into Bongs
• Mind Control, a.k.a. "Concilium"
• Transmutation
• Half Nelson
• Crocheting
• Moisturizing
• Sharpshooting
• Divination
• Soufflés
• "Vitalum Vitalis" ("the balancing of scales from one life form to another")
• Salon-Quality Blowouts
• "Descensum" ("a perilous descent into the nether worlds of the afterlife")
• Perfect Pitch
• Pyrokinesis
• Tax Preparation

Don't Get Too Sassy With The Supreme

Look, Queenie, I get that you identify with voodoo culture because you hung out at Cornrow City for five minutes. So I get that when Fiona refers to Papa Legba as "that half-baked Beetlejuice," you would take offense (rather than, for instance, expressing surprise that she knows what Beetlejuice is). But before you snap at her to show some respect, maybe consider that she's still the Supreme and a mean old bitch, and hence would have zero compunction about choking you out Darth Vader-style to remind you of your place. I promise she was speaking (with her iron grip) for all of us out here in TV-land.

Unsight Ununseen

Who called the meeting? Cordelia.

What's it about? She's been handling Misty's old stuff, trying to get a read on where she went, but nothing's happening, so she wants to manhandle Madison because she (rightly) suspects that Madison knows more than she's saying.

How'd it go? Even though Cordelia thinks her Sight hasn't come back since she BLINDED HERSELF WITH SHEARS AAAAAAAAAAGH, Madison doesn't want to take any chances, and keeps transmutating out of Cordelia's reach, being the cocky shit she is. But finally she relents, saying she has no secrets, and no matter how much Cordelia mashes her hands all over Madison's torso, nothing happens. So: it goes well for Madison, who weasels out of trouble again, and poorly for Cordelia, who's left to regret her eyeball-gouging decisions.

You Could Have Said "Pee Pee-Soaked Heck Hole"

Now that Queenie is totally a voodoo practitioner...

...she decides to mess around with a little spell, and before you know it, she's back at her old job at Chubbie's in Detroit, working the counter. When her first customer of the day turns out to be Papa Legba, she's all, "You live in a chicken shack?" and he's all, "Not me. You." He explains that there's such a thing as hell, and this is hers: being back in a job she hates, serving a bunch of dicks. And the guy in line behind Papa Legba, trying to hurry him along, is also in his personal hell, which is to spend eternity smelling delicious fried chicken without ever getting to eat any. (Okay, that's pretty rough.)

When Queenie wakes back up in her room, Papa Legba is there, and he shows her what made a puddle of blood she found in the greenhouse: Madame dismembering Marie the way Marie had threatened to do to her. Papa L explains that Madame will live as long as Marie does, which is forever, because Marie is immortal. But then Queenie, who I guess is a lawyer now too...

...points out that Marie is currently in breach of the deal she made with Papa L, who's like, "Hmmm."

Do's And Docents

Who called the meeting? Queenie.

What's it about? She's tracked down Madame at her new address, which happens to be her old address: Madame trapped the old docent at her former home up in a cage in the torture attic and took over the tour herself so she could rehabilitate her image with the (invariably disappointed) tourists.

How'd it go? This is another one where it depends whom you ask. Queenie offers to let Madame redeem herself by volunteering at the Urban League, but Madame's like, hard pass. She's watched Paula and Anthony and Eliot on TV; she knows the path to redemption in this century is to make a public apology, but she's not going to apologize, because she's not sorry. Furthermore, she says that when Queenie made her cry with all those civil-rights era video and speeches, it was because she was sad about a world that makes promises (to "coloured" people) that it can't keep, like that they can be equal to white people. So Queenie's like, well, fuck this then, and stabs Madame — a lot, and for a while — in the chest. Madame's like, "I'm immortal!" and Queenie's like, "Wrong." Oh no, that must mean Marie's dead! But that beautiful skin!

The Way Of All Witch Flesh

When Fiona suddenly realizes, while having her official portrait painted, that she probably only has a couple more weeks to live, she decides to stop being so bitchy to Cordelia for a minute. After assuring Cordelia that she couldn't lose the power of The Sight, she gives her an heirloom: a necklace that had belonged to Fiona's mother. And as soon as Fiona puts it on her, Cordelia has a vision of herself walking through Miss Robichaux's, apparently after a massacre.

And one survivor...

...who snaps the necklace off Cordelia and strolls out. Gotta be honest: other than Misty, this looks about right to me.

The "Goode" Is Ironic

Who called the meeting? Cordelia.

What's it about? She wants to tell The Axeman what Fiona's really about.

How'd it go? It's pretty straightforward: she knows that Fiona and The Axeman have been talking about running away together, and she also knows that Fiona has a plane ticket...for one. So when she tells The Axeman that Fiona's going to kill everyone at Miss Robichaux's and leave him all alone, he seems to accept pretty readily that it's true. While we're here: I'd be remiss if I didn't remind you that because of Cordelia's blindness, her other senses are heightened. Just imagine what it's like for her to walk into The Axeman's apartment when he's playing jazz?! It's kind of shocking that she didn't kill herself.

Day Break

Now that she has this necklace giving The Sight an assist (or else the necklace is just like Dumbo's magic feather — who's to say, really?), Cordelia tries again to get a sense of Misty by handling her stuff, and this time gets a clear vision of exactly where she is. For some reason, she decides to bring Queenie with her to the cemetery instead of, let's say, Myrtle, so when Cordelia says they'll have to get the crypt open "with a jackhammer," if they have to, stupid Queenie takes it literally and Cordelia has to be like, we can just use magic, dipshit. Anyway, Queenie breaks open the bricks and the coffin pops out, with Misty in it, not breathing. Queenie blows in her face and gets her Vitalum Vitalis on, and just like that, Misty's back.

Yay!

We Can't Miss You If You Don't Go Away

So some Florida hobo was rude to Zoe and Frankenkyle killed him and Zoe brought him back to life and then she decided on the spot to return to Miss Robichaux's because she decided that this must mean she's the new Supreme.

Misty vs. Madison

No sooner has whiny-ass Zoe declared that she's the next Supreme than Misty — the one I think we all agree should be the next Supreme — comes storming into the kitchen and beating the shit out of Madison. Though Madison tries to strike back with a lot of bluster and attitude, it's very one-sided, even without anyone using magic. And because Madison's such a little bitch, it's a real pleasure to watch.

Winner: Misty. And handily!

Fiona Goode, 1950ish-2014

Fiona's passing from this world should serve as a cautionary tale to us all: don't date homicidal ghosts; don't carry a copy of your e-ticket around in your purse where he can find it; don't be such a bitch to your daughter that she puts your plans on blast. But then, bad things have happened to (basically) good people in her orbit too, so what the hell, at least Fiona mostly had a good time right up to the end.

Cordelia takes her hands off the home-invading Axeman's bloody face and confirms that the flashback we've just seen is true: Fiona's dead, and her body's in the swamp! Not even Misty can bring someone back once they're gator shit!

Queenie asks who's going to kill The Axeman (in reprisal for his killing The Supreme), but Myrtle points out that maybe he did the coven a favour — besides which, "As Cervantes once said, 'Where there is music there can be no evil.'" Frankenkyle goes:

...and tries to take over as "coven guard dog." But Madison grabs the Axeman's axe and sinks it in his gut.

The junior witches all summon knives into their hands...

...and stab The Axeman a LOT.

Then we're back with Madame, with her old 19th century look, getting locked in a cage in her old attic by a couple of slaves!

And then Marie is there, threatening an also-caged Borquita with a red-hot poker and ordering Madame to decide whether it's going to go down Borquita's throat or up her butt!

Papa Legba shows up and explains the situation: Madame and Marie are both in hell! Guess the Urban League doesn't look so bad now, huh Madame!

After everyone's had a chance to contemplate Fiona's portrait and debate whether she was a good Supreme because she was tough or a shitty one for not identifying her successor, Cordelia declares that they'll have a Seven Wonders Showdown SUNDAY AT DAWN!!!