Backwards, In Heels, And With Seventy Years On Her Partner

As the America's Got Talent Season 10 auditions roll on, which freak shows are the freakiest? Here are your Episode 3 superlatives.

Best Child Act

I am no fan of children being made to perform on TV, so understand how meaningful it is for me to throw my approval behind Alondra Santos.

It remains to be seen whether she has sufficient versatility to sustain a whole show, but she's...actually a really great singer with magnetic stage presence.

Most Condescending Response

I am no fan of old people, so it's pretty much impossible for me to be objective about this extremely elderly ballroom dancer.

But since the judges are all going to pretend that trying is the same as succeeding, I guess the #RealTalk falls to me: Tao is bad. Probably a third of her routine is just Vad picking her up and moving her around the stage so nothing happens to require a fourth hip replacement, and the rest of the time she's just shuffling about -- gamely, to be sure, but being game is not the same as being good! Furthermore, let's say somehow Tao and Vad can even come up with enough new choreo to take them through the competition to the end and they win. (They definitely won't, but let's pretend.) What insurance company is going to underwrite an act for a ninety-six-year-old woman?! And is there any chance she's going to want to perform every night for however long the show lasts? It's very laudable for Tao to want to stay active with a hobby that has more panache than Tai Chi or water aerobics or whatever else old people do, but pretending she's going to make a career out of trudging somewhat rhythmically while holding hands with a kid who's doing 95% of the work is actually cruel.

Most Unfairly Abbreviated Audition

Thrill to Chicago Ultimate Tumblers, barely making it into this clip package.

They're the first act in the episode that I would actually pay money to see perform, so of course we only get thirty seconds of them.

Most Unfairly Extended Audition

The Orchids are terrible, and I think they know they're terrible, and Nick Cannon, I think you KNOW they know they're terrible. So it's extremely unnecessary and kind of mean for you to overrule their dismissal by letting them sing MORE.

It's not America's Got Fun. This show wouldn't have to be two hours long if you didn't keep coming out to give the losers more stage time.

Most Breathtaking Act

I guess this week made me realize what a sucker I am for an acrobatic performance, starting with Chicago Ultimate Tumblers and ending with Duo Vladimir, but HOLY SHIT WITH THE KNIVES YOU GUYS.

THAT'S COOL.

Grossest Display

I know that body abuse has a long, not especially proud tradition in a circus setting...

...but is a guy getting attention by hurting himself really the sort of thing that even this dumb show wants to elevate to a bigger audience? I mean, I'd never pay dime one to see Terry Fator, but at least ventriloquism is an actual skill.

Greatest Performer On Wrongest Show

Far be it from me to make any grand pronouncements about the cosmic purpose of America's Got Talent, a deeply weird show that I am shocked people find entertaining. But while Sharon Irving is clearly a very gifted singer...

...should regular old pop vocalists even be eligible to compete against the magicians, tumblers, comics, and geeks who also got through to the next round this week? Don't misunderstand: Sharon is fantastic and deserving of success. But none of these other acts really have other TV venues on which to try to take their careers to whatever next level is possible. Shouldn't Sharon be required to go on The Voice instead? I am not a crackpot.