Battle Of The Evans Arnold

Which has a more interesting job?

No contest! Mad Men's Leonard, sharing at his Esalen group therapy, talks about how interesting he's not, and that includes his job: whatever it is, it's so boring he can't even be bothered to say what it is other than that he works in an office where everyone ignores him -- rightly, from what we see of him. Aquarius's Elliot Hillman (apparently not an actual historical figure in the life of Charles Manson, if Google is anything to go by) comes to Charles Manson's ranch in his capacity as a record producer, one of the least square jobs available to those in the straight world. Don't be fooled by his burgundy turtleneck!

Winner: Aquarius Evan Arnold.

Which has freer access to nubile young flesh?

One gets the sense that it's this, and not Charlie's music, that may have drawn Elliot out to the compound?

While we never hear about Leonard's sex life, one assumes that it, like everything else about him, is boring.

Winner: Aquarius Evan Arnold.

Which is more pivotal to the plot of his episode?

Leonard may not have had an important impact on anyone he's ever known prior to this particular therapy session, but finally, this is his moment: being a living mirror for Don Draper's own feelings of inadequacy so that Don can, at last, be moved to connect with another human being.

Elliot is no slouch in this department either: in "Sick City," he witnesses Charlie break a guitar string; lets himself be coerced into staying on the promise of banging Emma; and then totally buys Emma's line of bullshit about what a significant artist Charlie has...and leaves to prepare to be Charlie's musical handmaiden. This may be good for Charlie in the long run, but it's bad for his acolytes in the meantime: when Elliot takes off, Charlie orders the compoundites to take two tabs of acid each. This is more LSD than Emma's ever taken at once, and the demand finally forces Emma to acknowledge that she can't stay and follow these orders anymore. But being the indirect lever that ejects one dumb teenager from a cult is not quite as significant as moving a closed-off, emotionally immature man so much that he decides not to kill himself, something he seemed like he was juuuuuuust about to do.

Winner: Mad Men Evan Arnold.

Which is, from what we see, generally better equipped to get through life?

Uh, the one we don't see sobbing through the story of his dream about living in a fridge or some damn thing? So that would be Elliot. The fact that Elliot, as far as we can tell, really does believe Charlie is a great talent who requires special handling may not speak well of his survival instincts in the long term, but for now, the victor here is obvious.

Winner: Aquarius Evan Arnold.

Which gets to spend the rest of his life telling people about the time he rubbed pecs with the best-looking ad man in history?

Winner: Mad Men Evan Arnold.

Verdict

Two men enter a nest of filthy hippies. One leaves with a sweater full of inspiration; the other leaves with a sweater soaked in his own tears and, probably, snot and drool. If you MUST spend time with these animals, there's a right way to do it, and that way is not Leonard's. Never Leonard's.

Winner: Aquarius Evan Arnold.