How Did Bet On Your Baby Come To Be?
Our Players
Hello, I'm TV Executive #1.
Hello, I'm TV Executive #2.
Hello, I'm TV Executive #3.
Hello, I'm Ben Silverman.
The Scene
Here comes the hitmaker!
Hey guys, nice to see you.
I know who's The Biggest Loser today: any TV executive who's not meeting with you!
And it's, like, a fifty-way tie!
Haha, well, thanks.
So what kind of magic have you brought us, Ben?
And bear in mind: because of your track record, whatever you pitch us, we will buy it!
Well, uh, heh-heh, I mean--
Heh, uh--
Guys, you know we will!
...I guess that's true.
But let's go through the formality of having you walk us through it.
Okay, as long as we acknowledge that it is a formality.
Well, I'll just get to it.
I love it already!
...
Go ahead, Ben.
Thanks. We all know that every new parent thinks his or her baby is the ultimate -- the cutest, the most talented, and above all, the most talented.
Ain't that the truth.
Parents are the WORST!
So what if there were a way for them to put babies to the test and determine which babies are actually the best -- on camera, of course, and in front of a live studio audience?
And have the losers immediately removed from their parents' obviously ineffective care!
Oh, no no--
No, of course not. And executed!
What the hell?! No! Those babies just wouldn't win their parents any money.
Oh, there's money involved?
Yes: the idea is that we challenge each baby to perform a task with the assistance of one parent, while the other, independently, bets on whether the baby will be able to do it or not.
So sometimes the parent is actually betting against his or her baby?
Exactly.
...Delicious.
...Yeah. So the elements you'd need are, obviously, a room for the babies to do the tasks in, with hidden cameras but no producers or personnel. We're thinking of calling it--
The Proving Ground!
America's Test Kitchen!
The Terrordome!
Actually, The Baby Dome. Which, now that you've said "Terrordome," is maybe a little too aggressive.
The Baby Dome! Sure!
Two babies enter, one baby leaves!
No, just one baby enters at a time. And they all leave.
Are you absolutely married to that part of the show?
I really am.
...Fine. Go on.
So the babies have to perform tasks that your producers set for them.
Right.
Hand-to-hand combat!
Wrong.
Hot dog eating contest?
We're thinking more like--
Endurance tests! How long can the babies stand listening to Metallica blasted into The Baby Dome before they crack and confess all their secrets?
...What secrets do you think babies have to confess?
...Who took the cookie?
No. We're thinking of having them do the sorts of things any baby might do in a day care, like stacking objects on top of each other, or spinning in a circle.
Or learning how to use the potty!
You want to air a show where toddlers get toilet-trained?
We are a family network! It's relatable!
I don't think our company really wants to get into baby scat videos.
Yeah, that's more of a Fox idea.
So the parents can win money. It's a game show.
Exactly.
That means a set with lots of blue lights, a buzzer they have to hit even though there's only one contestant at a time so there's no time pressure....
Right.
I think the old Deal Or No Deal set is still in a warehouse someplace; we could probably buy it pretty cheap from NBC.
Perfect.
Can we get back to what happens to the loser babies, though?
They go home with their parents.
I mean, sure, that's one way to go, but does it really have enough zazz for reality TV? It's 2013.
Yeah, let's think about this for a second. Even if the babies don't get executed for the shame they've brought on their families, what if we just put them on an ice floe, push them out to sea?
Sure! Then there's always a chance they could get taken in and raised by a mother polar bear!
What if we dropped them off into the middle of the woods with, like, a flint and a tarp, let them fend for themselves?
And then we film that too? Spinoff!
I'm pretty firm on this point, guys.
...Fine. I mean, I did say we would buy whatever you pitched us, and I stand by that.
And we can always tweak the format later on. Is Big Brother even recognizable as the same show it was in its first season?
I'm never going to put my name on a show where babies are left to die of exposure.
Fine, fine.
What a diva.