Screen: E!

Botched

'I'm Perfect: EXCEPT FOR MY TITS'

Everyone involved in Janice Dickinson's Botched story, quoted for the sake of posterity. And for our culture.

Tara Ariano
 
  • I am no stranger to plastic surgery. I've had a facelift, a brow lift, tummy tuck, and fillers. I'm perfect: EXCEPT FOR MY TITS.
  • I was thirty-two when I had my first implants. They didn't feel like breasts: they felt wooden.
  • I wanted to have softer breasts, so I went from saline to silicone implants. Sylvester Stallone paid for those, so I figured, why not! Free shit? I'm in.
  • We have full racks here for you.
    I'm GONNA have a full rack, once I get my boobies done.
  • Hopefully, with the help of Dr. Dubrow, I can have my wishes and dreams come true -- because if he does, I'll suck his dick.
  • My silicone breasts have been in there for about thirty years. ...Yes.
  • When you get your breasts done, you're really supposed to have them replaced about every sort of ten to fifteen years. Implants that are more than thirteen years old have an 83% chance of being ruptured. These implants being from the '70s, who knows -- we may take them out, put 'em on there, there might be streaks of cocaine still left on them.
  • I feel like that there are particles that are rolling around that, like, the size of ed-a-na-may.
  • The good news is you were done the old-fashioned way, which is to put those ooooold--
    Stop saying 'old'!
  • Let me ask you a serious question: do you have any supermodel friends for Paul?
  • I do think Paul could date a model, but if she could see, hear, smell, or has any kind of reasonable personality, I doubt it.
    I've dated numerous models.
  • You have a-- what's called a symmastia, or called 'bread loafing,' where it's like a bread loaf in the centre.
  • Like, you can feel, like, deposits floatin' around, there's like a-- like a ed-a-na-may.
    It's 'edamame,' Janice. 'EDAMAME.'
  • NO cadaver skin! No dead bones of ghosts, no serial killer ladies that have been in jail. NOOOOOO.
  • These implants are -- forgive me--
    Don't say 'old'!
    Ancient.
  • To be honest with you guys, I'm really nervous about it. He said 'under the muscle.' That would be like lifting up, like, your balls, and sticking something inside, and then sewing your balls back on.
  • While you're at it, do something to my vag.
  • [The implant]'s so old that all the writing's been worn off it.
  • I couldn't tell how large they were, and they were a little bit gooey....
  • I love Janice. She is the greatest patient...when she's in a chemical coma.
  • Look at you. You look amazing. One day out of surgery, you look incredible.
    I hear what you're saying, but it's not computing.
  • You took your drain out?!
  • The problem with this is, this is a sterile thing that goes inside--
    So it's still sterile.
    No, 'cause it's-- ay yi yi yi yi.
  • You didn't tell me not to take it off.
    Right, that's true, but I also didn't tell you, you know, not to jump out of an airplane, but you're not going to do that either, right?
    OH MY GOD, ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH.
  • In my twenty-five years of being a board-certified plastic surgeon, Janice is, by far, the most difficult patient I've ever had. She is her breasts' worst enemy.
  • I'm gonna wrap you up so that no matter what you do, you can't touch these incisions anymore.
    It's not the incisions I did it on. I did it on--
    You just touched the incisions in front of me!
    What, those?
  • If you would give me something for the pain, doctor, please....
    You just spent three days in the hospital on IV Dilaudid! Most people are on aspirin by this point!
    I don't give a shit about 'most people.'
  • It hurts to blow my nose. It hurts to take a shit. I'm in a lot of agony. So I want to be prescribed, two or three days, the same shit I had at the hospital.
    This is classic drug-seeking behaviour.
  • So I have brought you a fresh bra that I am going to put you in.
    Is it black?
    Black surgical bras? No.
  • Don't take this question wrong, but why do you smell like cigarettes?
  • Could she go to the gym?
    NO she can't go to the gym! No, you can't go to a club, or the gym, or the beach, or Hawaii. GO HOME! BE NORMAL!
  • How the fuck am I going to hide these drains?
    What do you need to hide them from? Where are you going? YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, JANICE.
  • I have two major fears with Janice. One: that her narcotic use is going to be out of control and she's going to be found dead in her bed. And two: she's going to contaminate her wounds so much that she develops a breast implant infection, I have to take them out in the middle of the night, and she's weirdly going to blame me for it.
  • I have no recollection of last week AT ALL.
  • It's not me, it was the meds. It just was the meds. I'm sorry. It was the meds.
  • When was the last time you looked this good?
    Since my ex-mother-in-law fell in the well.
  • I can't wait to get on a pogo stick naked and just bounce up and down! Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
Tara Ariano