Should You Let Botched Ruin Your Life (Or At Least Your Dinner)?

What Is This Thing?

We probably all had some idea that not everyone who's had elective cosmetic surgery is entirely happy with the results, but we've never known exactly what can go wrong with these procedures and how it looks when it's really messed-up...until now! THANKS, E!

When Is It On?

Tuesdays at 9 PM on E!.

Why Was It Made Now?

This is a show in which vain idiots complain about the fact that trying to improve the parts they weren't happy with just made them look worse, okay? The real question is "Why hasn't it been made before?"

What's Its Pedigree?

"Pedigree" is kind of a funny word under the circumstances, but Evolution Media, which produces the show, is also responsible for The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills and Orange County, Vanderpump Rules, Clean Sweep, and Boy Meets Boy. Even the featured plastic surgeons are reality TV veterans: Dr. Terry Dubrow was on The Swan, and both he and Dr. Paul Nassif are married to Real Housewives. (Does it really matter which one?) (No.)

...And?

I could pretend I'm watching this for sociological reasons, but if you've been reading the site, you know the real reason is that I love to judge strangers, and nothing could be better judge-fodder than the hubris-laden goons of the series premiere. First, there's Alicia, who didn't like the way her breasts looked after she was done nursing her son, so she decided to (a) get implants from (b) a plastic surgeon who advertised his services on billboards. Now the implants have slid every which where and she has so much scar tissue in between that she basically has one big expanse of breast with kind of a dent in the middle. Then there's Michelle, who got her nose smashed up in a car accident when she was fifteen (not sure I 100% buy that as an origin story and, I suspect, neither does Dr. Nassif); since then, she's had six operations to try to get it just right. Finally, there's Human Doll Justin Jedlica, a terrifying specimen of what I guess you'd still broadly call "humanity" who's already been featured on My Strange Addiction, and who now wants more stuff done even though he's had MORE THAN 100 SURGERIES. What more could I possibly ask for? JANICE DICKINSON IN EPISODE 2?! DON'T MIND IF I DO.

...But?

First, there's the matter of how bitchy both doctors are to their patients -- which I'm pretty sure is because they're doing this for free, or the show is paying, though that isn't actually specified, and maybe they're just bitches. But, that aside: considering that Botched airs at 9 PM (6 PM on the west coast! THAT IS DINNER TIME!), this show doesn't seem to have had any kind of interference from the FCC with regard to its content. By the time the hour is up, you will have seen enough of Alicia's breasts to draw them from memory; apparently the only prohibition is showing an actual areola and nipple? But this is fine.

Having watched every episode of Embarrassing Bodies that ever aired in this country, I have no problem with this, but if you are squeamish about seeing, for instance, Dr. Dubrow in surgery, digging around inside Alicia's breast pouch with the kind of zeal usually reserved for starting an outboard motor, Botched is probably not for you.

...So?

I will watch every episode and when E! cancels it I will riot.