Ilana's Almost Perfect Partner Has One Big Flaw

The thing about Ilana is that she knows what she wants, dudewise. Granted, what she wants, dudewise, might change from moment to moment, but like all of Ilana's other pursuits, whatever she wants at a given moment is the greatest, most perfect thing, destined to bring her the most possible happiness and fulfillment and prove that every decision she made before arriving at it was definitely right. So when Ilana does a review of the guys she's been Facebook-hitting on during an idle evening at home and notes that what they all have in common is that each has a "pink penis," and then they...all reject her, she hits a bar to find one she can screen in person. And with Tyler, it kind of seems like she's hit the jackpot.

For starters:

Tyler fits the one criterion that's on Ilana's list this particular night.

But this guy can't stop closing! Tyler's bisexual, which Ilana judges to be "true masculinity," and proof that he is "truly evolved!" He's worried that she might be one of those girls who shaves "down there" which, it turns out, he needn't, because she doesn't. He stops in the middle of sex so he can "go down on her for forty-five minutes."

Tyler even understands when she takes off first thing in the morning because Abbi's not answering her phone, which Ilana's pretty sure means she's been murdered. (In fact, her phone has been stolen.) But, alas, Tyler is only almost perfect. Because when he invites her out to "a show," it turns out not to be for his band, as she'd assumed, but for an improv show. And he is terrible.

Tyler's so terrible that even the other improvisers in his troupe clearly can't stand him, and all of their instincts are so bad that they agreed to name their group Statutory Grape, but a guy who will go ahead and do an unironic Dr. Evil impression at a comedy show in 2014 is bad news.

The only reason Ilana finally emerges from under her seat is that Abbi refuses to watch it alone.

Does Ilana get sucked back in after the show?

She's only human, for God's sake. But even as Tyler's in the middle of another marathon cunnilingus sesh, Ilana can't stop the flashbacks to his execrable "comedy," and kicks him out. Because even though we've all known funny guys who exclusively date girls with extremely dull personalities who will never compete with them to be the centre of attention, it doesn't work the other way. Just kidding! Abbi totally sleeps with the good-looking but super-boring guy she picked up the night before. It's okay to do once. Or, in Ilana's case, once-and-a-half.

Anyway, Tyler's exit opens the door for Ilana to go do something with Lincoln that's almost as forty-five minutes of head: he made a couple of cakes, and invites her to come over and stick her face in one.

DIDN'T I SAY LINCOLN IS FUN?! If this interlude with Tyler is what it takes for Ilana to realize that a face full of cake is just as enjoyable as a crotch full of...well, face, and that Lincoln is the right guy for her forever, then it was all worth it.