Brooklyn Nine-Nine Introduces Amy's Dad, But Where Does He Rank Among The Squad Members' Loved Ones?

Thanksgiving has come again to Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and since Amy's cooking is never something anyone is thankful for, it's fortunate that everyone has something else to focus on: her dad, Victor "Mr." Santiago, is coming to town, to meet Jake for the first time. To prepare, Jake's gone to lengths that would make any Santiago proud, assembling a whole binder of intel on him so that he can pretend they have literally everything in common -- but, being Jake, he leaves it somewhere Mr. Santiago easily finds it. And, being Mr. Santiago, Mr. Santiago has also made a dossier on Jake, through which he tricks Jake into trying to crack an old case of Mr. Santiago's (he's a retired NYPD detective) only to lead him to the wrong conclusion. It's when Amy's yelling at both of them for thinking either of them needs to convince the other about whom Amy should be dating, as though that isn't her decision, that Jake and Mr. Santiago crack the case and end the episode in joint triumph...but never mind that: where does Mr. Santiago place in the rankings of all the squad members' relatives we've met so far? Let's count them down from worst to first.

1. Zeke
   While Terry may be the most swole member of the Nine-Nine, he's a tiny slip of a thing compared to his brother-in-law Zeke, who demeans our pal by calling him "Tiny Terry."
   

   Terry doesn't deserve this kind of bullying!

2. Roger Peralta
   Why is Jake so desperate to make a father figure of Captain Holt? Because his own dad is a deadbeat jerk.
   

   The only reason he's not ranked last is that Jake's mom thinks he's worth giving another chance.

3. Darlene Linetti
   Gina's mother is good-natured enough not to be insulted when her boyfriend's first Christmas gift to her is a bathroom scale; in fact, it doesn't even disqualify him from later becoming her husband!
   

   But if she's raised an egomaniac like Gina, she's probably got some hidden antisocial depths.

4. Victor Santiago
   Amy's dad comes into the story with a disappointingly patriarchal attitude about his daughter's love life.
   

   But suspicion of Jake is healthy -- and anyway, he learns a lesson about minding his business and solves an old case. Progress is possible!

5. Karen Peralta
   Jake's mother clearly doesn't have the best judgment about men if she's prepared to let her ex-husband date her again.
   

   But she sure is supportive of her lesbian neighbours!

6. Lynn Boyle
   Charles's father is, if you can imagine it, an even bigger dork than his son.
   

   But in addition to his having raised a son who's sensitive (...to a fault, some might say) and an adventurous cook, Lynn himself seems like he'll never forget how lucky he is to have convinced a glamorous travel agent to be his wife.

7. Kevin Coznar
   Holt's husband may never get all the way on board with the dangers inherent in his dear Raymond's career.
   

   But his love is like oatmeal: it sustains Holt.

8. Sharon Jeffords
   Of all the loved ones, poor Sharon has had to put up with the most bullshit of anyone on this list. Her husband's absence forces her to go through labour with no one to help her but Jake! JAKE!
   

   Even so, Sharon's a cool enough lady to let Terry name their twin daughters Cagney and Lacey. (We all assume that was Terry's idea, right?)

9. Cheddar
   Did I conceive of this list for the sole reason of ranking Holt's corgi first?
   

   Maybably!